Finding Mr. or Ms. Right could be a headache

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right could be a headache

JAKARTA (JP): Time has a way of changing everything. The
younger generation are now more outspoken than their parents.
They want greater freedom in their life, not only in expressing
their views but also the freedom to choose their soulmate.

In this cosmopolitan city of Jakarta, young people meet all
kinds of individuals who come from different backgrounds and have
different characters. There are many cafes and entertainment
centers where they can relax and meet new friends. There are many
parties and other social gatherings to attend. Finding Ms. or Mr.
Right should not be a problem. Right? Not necessarily.

At the age of 26, Philinda Sihombing, a chemical engineer at
PT Petro Nusantara Interindo, is yet to find her prince charming.
A graduate of Saint Louis University in The Philippines said that
she twice fell in love but had to break off the relationships as
both boyfriends had a different religion to her.

As a Batak, born in Jakarta, Philinda does not mind having a
husband from a different nationality or ethnicity- one of her
sisters is married to a Chinese Indonesian, but when it comes to
religion, she has a different view. "My parents are really strict
about religion, they would kill me if I was to marry a man of a
different religion."

A devout Christian, she insists though, that the decision to
have a husband with the same faith is entirely her own conviction
and she would not allow her parents to interfere.

"Religion is a sensitive matter. If a couple have a different
religion from when they first meet then, it will be difficult to
maintain that relationship because each religion has its own set
of traditions that are individual," she said.

Religion is only one of the elements in the decision making
process of a relationship. Love is a must. But love alone is not
enough. There are of course many other things. Some may put more
emphasis on physical appearance, education or financial matters,
but for others, what's more important is that they can talk to
each other.

"It does not matter how handsome or rich he is, but of course
if he is dumb, then, just forget it," Philinda laughed.

Idris, a communication staffer with a dot.com company, also
failed twice in relationships.

The first girl dashed his hopes after she learned that Idris
was not that financially well off. As a consequence she then
married her friend, who was a manager at a financial services
company.

Deli Sumatran, a 33 year old Malaysian, lost his second
girlfriend, a Javanese, because she said that she preferred to
marry a man who came from a similar background.

Graphic designer Uwi Nugroho, 27, has another story.

Two years ago, he broke up with his girlfriend because they
were not suited to each other. But he also admitted that their
three-year relationship ended probably because he spent too much
time at his work and too little time with her.

He said that he usually returns home at 9 p.m. or later and at
present he would not think about finding a new girlfriend. Asked
about his ideal woman, he said "she should be broad-minded."
"Otherwise she will not be able to follow my arguments."

He added she must be a Muslim, just like him.

Marta Muryati, not her real name, a post graduate student at
the City University of London, also has a problem finding a
boyfriend because most people she meets have a different
religion. She wrote via e-mail that recently she has changed her
attitude on this matter, "because I am growing older."

Psychologist Monty P. Satiadarma regretted that people still
put serious consideration on religion when choosing their
marriage partners.

"Indeed, the problem can't be avoided since it is innate. Such
problems also occur in the United States. However, in many cases,
we can still see different flowers growing in our garden, can't
we?" he said, comparing a multi-cultural society with a garden.

He made an interesting observation about why people these days
often have difficulties when looking to choose a partner.

"Nowadays, young people have greater freedom to choose their
soulmate. In this state of freedom, they become confused by the
choices, as it is this freedom that has forced them to create
complex considerations for themselves," Monty, who is also the
dean of Psychology Faculty of the private Tarumanegara
University, told The Jakarta Post at his office.

Monty stressed that the scene was different in the past,
because at that time, young people found limited "social
interaction challenges."

"In some cases, a girl, for example, was forced to get married
when she was 12-year old. There were also others who did not have
any chance to find their own soulmate because their parents had
them 'married off' from before they were born," he said.

Agustin Sukarlan, a psychologist at the University of
Indonesia, shared Monty's view that this greater freedom has
created complicated dilemmas for young people to find their
suitable partners. "These dilemmas vary, ranging from social
status to tribes and religions," she said.

Agustin, who is also head of clinical psychology division at a
noted university, formulated a number of reasons which forced
young people to be selective in their choices for suitable
partners.

She said young people tend to choose partners with the same
social status, since they want to maintain their status niche.

Financial matters could also count. "Some people will not make
a decision to choose a serious partner, until they obtain a
managerial position with an attractive salary," she said.

Despite these restrictions, young people should be optimistic
that they will one day find somebody to spend the rest of their
life with.

"Globalization can't be avoided. Young people have great
access today in finding their partners like Internet and others,"
said Agustin.

Therefore, they should not worry about not getting a soulmate
who suits their preferences, since there are many choices
available out there.

The most important thing to remember is don't be too fast in
making a decision about whether people are suitable or not.

"Try to get know him/her well first," Agustin said. "If you
find any differences (in views or expectations), as long as both
of you are willing to adjust yourselves through an intensive
relationship, the differences will be resolved."

In this case, we might have to listen to a Javanese proverb:
awiting tresno jalaran soko kulino (love comes from intensive
contacts). (asa/sim)