Finding Mr. or Ms. Right could be a headache<\/p>\n
JAKARTA (JP): Time has a way of changing everything. The
\nyounger generation are now more outspoken than their parents.
\nThey want greater freedom in their life, not only in expressing
\ntheir views but also the freedom to choose their soulmate.<\/p>\n
In this cosmopolitan city of Jakarta, young people meet all
\nkinds of individuals who come from different backgrounds and have
\ndifferent characters. There are many cafes and entertainment
\ncenters where they can relax and meet new friends. There are many
\nparties and other social gatherings to attend. Finding Ms. or Mr.
\nRight should not be a problem. Right? Not necessarily.<\/p>\n
At the age of 26, Philinda Sihombing, a chemical engineer at
\nPT Petro Nusantara Interindo, is yet to find her prince charming.
\nA graduate of Saint Louis University in The Philippines said that
\nshe twice fell in love but had to break off the relationships as
\nboth boyfriends had a different religion to her.<\/p>\n
As a Batak, born in Jakarta, Philinda does not mind having a
\nhusband from a different nationality or ethnicity- one of her
\nsisters is married to a Chinese Indonesian, but when it comes to
\nreligion, she has a different view. "My parents are really strict
\nabout religion, they would kill me if I was to marry a man of a
\ndifferent religion."<\/p>\n
A devout Christian, she insists though, that the decision to
\nhave a husband with the same faith is entirely her own conviction
\nand she would not allow her parents to interfere.<\/p>\n
"Religion is a sensitive matter. If a couple have a different
\nreligion from when they first meet then, it will be difficult to
\nmaintain that relationship because each religion has its own set
\nof traditions that are individual," she said.<\/p>\n
Religion is only one of the elements in the decision making
\nprocess of a relationship. Love is a must. But love alone is not
\nenough. There are of course many other things. Some may put more
\nemphasis on physical appearance, education or financial matters,
\nbut for others, what's more important is that they can talk to
\neach other.<\/p>\n
"It does not matter how handsome or rich he is, but of course
\nif he is dumb, then, just forget it," Philinda laughed.<\/p>\n
Idris, a communication staffer with a dot.com company, also
\nfailed twice in relationships.<\/p>\n
The first girl dashed his hopes after she learned that Idris
\nwas not that financially well off. As a consequence she then
\nmarried her friend, who was a manager at a financial services
\ncompany.<\/p>\n
Deli Sumatran, a 33 year old Malaysian, lost his second
\ngirlfriend, a Javanese, because she said that she preferred to
\nmarry a man who came from a similar background.<\/p>\n
Graphic designer Uwi Nugroho, 27, has another story.<\/p>\n
Two years ago, he broke up with his girlfriend because they
\nwere not suited to each other. But he also admitted that their
\nthree-year relationship ended probably because he spent too much
\ntime at his work and too little time with her.<\/p>\n
He said that he usually returns home at 9 p.m. or later and at
\npresent he would not think about finding a new girlfriend. Asked
\nabout his ideal woman, he said "she should be broad-minded."
\n"Otherwise she will not be able to follow my arguments."<\/p>\n
He added she must be a Muslim, just like him.<\/p>\n
Marta Muryati, not her real name, a post graduate student at
\nthe City University of London, also has a problem finding a
\nboyfriend because most people she meets have a different
\nreligion. She wrote via e-mail that recently she has changed her
\nattitude on this matter, "because I am growing older."<\/p>\n
Psychologist Monty P. Satiadarma regretted that people still
\nput serious consideration on religion when choosing their
\nmarriage partners.<\/p>\n
"Indeed, the problem can't be avoided since it is innate. Such
\nproblems also occur in the United States. However, in many cases,
\nwe can still see different flowers growing in our garden, can't
\nwe?" he said, comparing a multi-cultural society with a garden.<\/p>\n
He made an interesting observation about why people these days
\noften have difficulties when looking to choose a partner.<\/p>\n
"Nowadays, young people have greater freedom to choose their
\nsoulmate. In this state of freedom, they become confused by the
\nchoices, as it is this freedom that has forced them to create
\ncomplex considerations for themselves," Monty, who is also the
\ndean of Psychology Faculty of the private Tarumanegara
\nUniversity, told The Jakarta Post at his office.<\/p>\n
Monty stressed that the scene was different in the past,
\nbecause at that time, young people found limited "social
\ninteraction challenges."<\/p>\n
"In some cases, a girl, for example, was forced to get married
\nwhen she was 12-year old. There were also others who did not have
\nany chance to find their own soulmate because their parents had
\nthem 'married off' from before they were born," he said.<\/p>\n
Agustin Sukarlan, a psychologist at the University of
\nIndonesia, shared Monty's view that this greater freedom has
\ncreated complicated dilemmas for young people to find their
\nsuitable partners. "These dilemmas vary, ranging from social
\nstatus to tribes and religions," she said.<\/p>\n
Agustin, who is also head of clinical psychology division at a
\nnoted university, formulated a number of reasons which forced
\nyoung people to be selective in their choices for suitable
\npartners.<\/p>\n
She said young people tend to choose partners with the same
\nsocial status, since they want to maintain their status niche.<\/p>\n
Financial matters could also count. "Some people will not make
\na decision to choose a serious partner, until they obtain a
\nmanagerial position with an attractive salary," she said.<\/p>\n
Despite these restrictions, young people should be optimistic
\nthat they will one day find somebody to spend the rest of their
\nlife with.<\/p>\n
"Globalization can't be avoided. Young people have great
\naccess today in finding their partners like Internet and others,"
\nsaid Agustin.<\/p>\n
Therefore, they should not worry about not getting a soulmate
\nwho suits their preferences, since there are many choices
\navailable out there.<\/p>\n
The most important thing to remember is don't be too fast in
\nmaking a decision about whether people are suitable or not.<\/p>\n
"Try to get know him\/her well first," Agustin said. "If you
\nfind any differences (in views or expectations), as long as both
\nof you are willing to adjust yourselves through an intensive
\nrelationship, the differences will be resolved."<\/p>\n
In this case, we might have to listen to a Javanese proverb:
\nawiting tresno jalaran soko kulino (love comes from intensive
\ncontacts). (asa\/sim)<\/p>",
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