What you do, they do too...

What you do, they do too...

By Hema V. Thiagarajan and Deepak V. Thiagarajan

JAKARTA (JP): One evening, a teenaged boy asked his friend why
he loved to smoke. "Well, 'cause I love it, and my folks don't
mind. They smoke, I smoke and we three enjoy it," was the reply.

Reflecting on the reply illustrates that as children grow up
they begin to mirror their parents. If their parents have good
manners, their children will inevitably imitate them. According
to psychologists at the University of California at Berkeley, a
child's social behavior is due mainly to his parents'
indoctrination. They conclude that the most cogent lesson about
good or evil come from the child's parents.

Even if a child is born gorgeous, wealthy, talented and keenly
intelligent, a long and scabrous road from childhood to maturity
awaits them. A child may be intelligent enough to perceive the
general behavior of people at school, however, it is the
responsibility of parents to further inform that not all people
behave similarly. A parent can't make life easy for a child, but
can provide a child with contrivances to grow up more easily.

Patience

There are parents around that wrongly believe that adults no
longer play a role in their children's lives. Parents do have
rights and must stick to them. For example, children should not
be permitted to deprive parents of their privacy. Hence, we must
understand the limits of patience. During arguments, parents
should perceive that, like some adults, children may be slow to
understand. This understanding can be absorbed at an early age if
the child is handled lovingly and in a relaxing manner.

Don't nag! Being a parent does not mean scolding your
children, or expecting them to be "the perfect kids in the
neighborhood". Habits are formed by repetition. The child needs
to be reminded again and again, with patience but firmly, in
order to do things expected of him. Rewards and praise should
given when the child remembers, and pleasant reminders when he
forgets.

A silent, pleasant, neatly dressed and courteous child is
abnormal. Children are not born this way, it takes time for them
to understand what is expected of them. Healthy children will get
dirty. The dirtier they get, the more fun they have. If a child
is afraid to get dirty, to go out and play with his friends, or,
to yell and jump around, he isn't normal. In this case, the
parent's standards have strongly effected his way of living.

Authority

The parents' attitude toward authority will shape their
children's disposition toward authority. If parents are seen to
obey authority and speak pleasantly to figures in authority, the
child most definitely will do the same.

A young child's only authority are his parents and perhaps his
nurse. The way his parents talk and treat the nurse, will
absolutely be reflected in the way the child treats the nurse.
Along his path to growing up, the child will encounter various
authoritative figures, like teachers, coaches and headmasters.
The way his parents treat these authoritative figures will again
be the same with the child. As he begins to make contacts outside
home and school, the child is given an opportunity to learn that
authority is a driving factor in Indonesia.

Along with respect for authority, a child must be taught to
respect those who serve him. He should be made to realize that
even if the maidservant is under his parents control, these
people are worthy of respect. It is the parent's responsibility
to instill these attitudes.

Parents make an impression on their children's behavior based
on how they relate to people serving them. The child will
certainly reflect his parents' behavior when he himself is an
adult. Therefore, parents must learn to control their temper and
show consideration for those who serve them.

Communication

The key to successfully raising a child is communication
between parent and child. Parents should talk to the child, from
infancy, to help them learn about the world by explaining what
the child sees and feels around him.

The lines of communication tend to break down when parents
begin to ignore their responsibilities toward the child. For
instance, the parent may wish to play golf rather than help their
child study for an exam. In this case the child might feel
neglected and communication between the parent and the child
abates. The quality of communication rests in the hands of the
parents. If parents indicate that the child may come to them for
a solution no matter how trivial the problem is, the child will
seek his parents' help when face with a problem.

The tone

"Harping parents make harping children, who grow into harping
parents". Everyone knows that children whose parents speak to
them in a petulant, irked tone of voice, speak to others in the
same way. If a child is spoken to with the same polite and
amiable tone one would give an adult, he will surely be a gently
spoken child.

A parent who is strict beyond limits and is totally out of
tune with what other children of the same age are allowed to do,
harms a child, but even more harmful is the parent who completely
neglects the child by setting no rules at all.

Children want rules, they need them. They don't want the rules
by which their younger or older brothers or sisters must live by.
Each child wants to know what is expected of him or her.

There is a great comfort in understanding the reasons for
rules and what is expected of you. An older child might feel
embarrassed saying that he is not allowed to go out with his
friends because his parents say so. But it really comes to him
not being placed in the difficult position of having to decide
whether to go with his friends. Children allowed to make their
own decisions begin to feel unprotected and will indicate this in
their behavior.

Similarly, just as children must obey rules, parents' daily
responsibilities are also guided by rules. These responsibilities
include working as well as being a parent. If parents handle
their rules and regulations with intelligence, so will their
children, because whatever the parents do the children will do
too.

The reasons the teenaged boy smokes may include peer pressure,
curiosity and other factors, but what his parents do and how
they do it is also being reflected in the child's behavior. When
a child's tone of voice is always angry, his parents may talk to
their friends the same way. Similarly, when a child shows no
respect for authority or anyone who serves him, his parents and
their way of communication could be a reason. Hence, during
arguments (which all families have) when parents yell at their
children, little do they know that they are yelling at
themselves, because, whatever the parents do, the children will
do too.