What you do, they do too...

What you do, they do too...

By Hema V. Thiagarajan and Deepak V. Thiagarajan

JAKARTA (JP): One evening, a teenaged boy asked his friend why he loved to smoke. "Well, 'cause I love it, and my folks don't mind. They smoke, I smoke and we three enjoy it," was the reply.

Reflecting on the reply illustrates that as children grow up they begin to mirror their parents. If their parents have good manners, their children will inevitably imitate them. According to psychologists at the University of California at Berkeley, a child's social behavior is due mainly to his parents' indoctrination. They conclude that the most cogent lesson about good or evil come from the child's parents.

Even if a child is born gorgeous, wealthy, talented and keenly intelligent, a long and scabrous road from childhood to maturity awaits them. A child may be intelligent enough to perceive the general behavior of people at school, however, it is the responsibility of parents to further inform that not all people behave similarly. A parent can't make life easy for a child, but can provide a child with contrivances to grow up more easily.

Patience

There are parents around that wrongly believe that adults no longer play a role in their children's lives. Parents do have rights and must stick to them. For example, children should not be permitted to deprive parents of their privacy. Hence, we must understand the limits of patience. During arguments, parents should perceive that, like some adults, children may be slow to understand. This understanding can be absorbed at an early age if the child is handled lovingly and in a relaxing manner.

Don't nag! Being a parent does not mean scolding your children, or expecting them to be "the perfect kids in the neighborhood". Habits are formed by repetition. The child needs to be reminded again and again, with patience but firmly, in order to do things expected of him. Rewards and praise should given when the child remembers, and pleasant reminders when he forgets.

A silent, pleasant, neatly dressed and courteous child is abnormal. Children are not born this way, it takes time for them to understand what is expected of them. Healthy children will get dirty. The dirtier they get, the more fun they have. If a child is afraid to get dirty, to go out and play with his friends, or, to yell and jump around, he isn't normal. In this case, the parent's standards have strongly effected his way of living.

Authority

The parents' attitude toward authority will shape their children's disposition toward authority. If parents are seen to obey authority and speak pleasantly to figures in authority, the child most definitely will do the same.

A young child's only authority are his parents and perhaps his nurse. The way his parents talk and treat the nurse, will absolutely be reflected in the way the child treats the nurse. Along his path to growing up, the child will encounter various authoritative figures, like teachers, coaches and headmasters. The way his parents treat these authoritative figures will again be the same with the child. As he begins to make contacts outside home and school, the child is given an opportunity to learn that authority is a driving factor in Indonesia.

Along with respect for authority, a child must be taught to respect those who serve him. He should be made to realize that even if the maidservant is under his parents control, these people are worthy of respect. It is the parent's responsibility to instill these attitudes.

Parents make an impression on their children's behavior based on how they relate to people serving them. The child will certainly reflect his parents' behavior when he himself is an adult. Therefore, parents must learn to control their temper and show consideration for those who serve them.

Communication

The key to successfully raising a child is communication between parent and child. Parents should talk to the child, from infancy, to help them learn about the world by explaining what the child sees and feels around him.

The lines of communication tend to break down when parents begin to ignore their responsibilities toward the child. For instance, the parent may wish to play golf rather than help their child study for an exam. In this case the child might feel neglected and communication between the parent and the child abates. The quality of communication rests in the hands of the parents. If parents indicate that the child may come to them for a solution no matter how trivial the problem is, the child will seek his parents' help when face with a problem.

The tone

"Harping parents make harping children, who grow into harping parents". Everyone knows that children whose parents speak to them in a petulant, irked tone of voice, speak to others in the same way. If a child is spoken to with the same polite and amiable tone one would give an adult, he will surely be a gently spoken child.

A parent who is strict beyond limits and is totally out of tune with what other children of the same age are allowed to do, harms a child, but even more harmful is the parent who completely neglects the child by setting no rules at all.

Children want rules, they need them. They don't want the rules by which their younger or older brothers or sisters must live by. Each child wants to know what is expected of him or her.

There is a great comfort in understanding the reasons for rules and what is expected of you. An older child might feel embarrassed saying that he is not allowed to go out with his friends because his parents say so. But it really comes to him not being placed in the difficult position of having to decide whether to go with his friends. Children allowed to make their own decisions begin to feel unprotected and will indicate this in their behavior.

Similarly, just as children must obey rules, parents' daily responsibilities are also guided by rules. These responsibilities include working as well as being a parent. If parents handle their rules and regulations with intelligence, so will their children, because whatever the parents do the children will do too.

The reasons the teenaged boy smokes may include peer pressure, curiosity and other factors, but what his parents do and how they do it is also being reflected in the child's behavior. When a child's tone of voice is always angry, his parents may talk to their friends the same way. Similarly, when a child shows no respect for authority or anyone who serves him, his parents and their way of communication could be a reason. Hence, during arguments (which all families have) when parents yell at their children, little do they know that they are yelling at themselves, because, whatever the parents do, the children will do too.