Urban people prefer traditional weddings

JAKARTA (JP): Although Indonesian families are becoming more democratic -- with parents allowing their children the freedom to make their own decisions and choose their own paths -- most parents still have the last say when it comes to a wedding.

Many try to preserve centuries-old traditions, even though they lead a very modern life. This is because they believe the rituals enrich their lives. Many young people happily follow their parents' wish, although quite a lot of them don't understand the meaning of the rituals and often don't bother to find out. The following article records people's experiences in holding complicated yet hallowed wedding ceremonies and why they decided on them.

Sri Hadhy, a known painter who threw a lavish wedding party for his only daughter:

For me a wedding ceremony is very important. As a Javanese, I really believe that birth, marriage and death are determined by God. Any wedding ceremony can only take place with God's permission, therefore we have to do our best to prepare for that sacred and momentous event.

When my only daughter, Yosephine Leoni Tunggaldewi, told us that she would soon tie the knot with her boyfriend, Alexander Farid Rama Monteri, I felt very happy and excited. I told them that God has united them in a long-lasting relationship and they should maintain it for the rest of their lives.

My family spent about one-and-a-half-years preparing for the wedding ceremony. My wife and I decided to have a traditional Javanese ceremony following the Surakarta-style.

I think it significant to have a traditional ceremony which is full of good deeds. Each part in the ceremony symbolizes the journey of a human life. It is our duty to keep this tradition alive.

My daughter and her future husband were eager to learn about the ceremony as they knew very little about it. The future bride and groom, both graduates of the School of Engineering at Trisakti University, are typical modern Jakartans who spent most of their childhood abroad.

It was lucky that my son-in-law's family, who come from North Sulawesi, did not object to the Javanese ceremony.

But the most difficult thing in the wedding preparation was to select the guests. We have a lot of relatives and friends, we were afraid that they would get angry if we did not invite them.

The wedding ceremony was held at the Manggala Wanabhakti building early last month and was attended by 4,000 guests.

I invited so many people because the ceremony was my hajat, pure intention, as a token of affectionate for my only daughter.

Actually, a wedding ceremony is a ritual event, but many people use it to show off their possessions.

I cannot accept the idea that people throw exaggerated wedding parties even though they have to borrow money to hold the parties.

A wedding ceremony should be celebrated in a solemn and sacred atmosphere because it is part of the life cycle.

Dilla Sri Amini, a university graduate, just married last week:

My father is of Minangkabau (West Sumatra) origin and my mother is a Sundanese. Therefore we combined both traditions for my wedding. The akad nikah (marriage ritual) led by a Moslem imam was performed in Sundanese and the reception followed Minang tradition.

But, since my father is not familiar with the tradition, we asked Elly Kasim, an expert of the Minang wedding ceremony and the owner of a wedding service company, to arrange the party.

We used Elly's services because she is known to use only good quality products and is very professional. Besides, she also offers a modified Minang ceremony, which means she can arrange modern Minang ceremonies. It may not be too original, but it is appropriate for conditions today.

Elly was in charge of the party, including the dances, the decorations for the hall, the dais where we sat, our wedding garb and our parents' songket (traditional woven sarong).

The Rp 6.5 million (US$2,876) package included a traditional Minang musical group who performed traditional songs. Elly also provided boxes decorated and shaped like a traditional rumah gadang (Minangkabau house).

Other items in the package were make-up and a hairdo for me, my mother and my mother-in-law. But, since I didn't like Elly's make-up, she offered me the service of Martha Tilaar's beauty salon as she has an agreement with Sari Ayu, Martha's beauty chain.

We also rented traditional Minang garb for the 12 pagar ayu and pagar bagus (welcoming committee) couples and six receptionists. The price was Rp 35,000 per person, including make-up, accessories and sandals.

We don't think Elly's services were expensive because everything went smoothly and was satisfying.

Food was ordered from a catering service in Pasar Minggu, South Jakarta for Rp 10 million. Apart from the buffet for 600 people, we also had 10 food stands that could serve 200 people each.

Other expenses included the invitations and keepsakes for the guests.

We didn't consult the stars before organizing the wedding. We chose Sept. 10 because it was the only date when the hall was not booked.

Noverita Kirana, 28, journalist at Nova tabloid: We got married on Wednesday, Aug. 9, 1995, in Bandung. Both of us are Javanese so the wedding ceremony was conducted in accordance with Javanese tradition. According to tradition, a bride should not leave the house for 40 days before the wedding. My parents still believe in the tradition, but how could I leave my job for that long? So, I agreed to stay at home from Monday to Tuesday. I was not allowed to see my fiance until the wedding.

On Tuesday morning, there was a siraman (bathing) ceremony. I was bathed with flowered water as a symbol of purification. And then it was my fiance's turn to be bathed. We did not see each other because I was ordered to my room right after my bath.

In the evening we had what is called midodareni which, in a way, is similar to a bridal shower. During midodareni, I received my closest friends and relatives for the last time in my life as a single woman. Unlike a bridal shower, a midodareni is a solemn ritual. My future husband was also there, but again, we could not see one another.

Wednesday was our D-day. In the morning, we had the religious wedding ceremony at a mosque. I left from my house and he left from his. We met at the mosque. My husband gave me a Koran and a praying costume as the dowry. And then, after we changed into wedding attire, we left together for the building where the wedding reception took place.

Before entering the reception hall, we had a series of ceremonies. First, we threw betel leaves at each other. Mine did not hit him, but his hit me. I don't know what it means. (According to Javanese belief, the one who hits the other first will dominate the marriage). And then there was the egg-breaking ceremony. My husband broke an egg with his bare foot and I washed his foot as a symbol of fidelity.

The ceremony continued inside the building. My father put me on his left knee and my husband was on his right knee. And then my mother asked him "Who weighs more?"

My father answered "They weigh the same." This means that my father would treat my husband and me equally. Next was lunch. My husband and I fed each other a bit of the tumpeng (rice cone). Later, my husband presented a handful of paddy and coins, to symbolize his role as the breadwinner.

When we got engaged, my fiance put a ring on my left hand and I put a ring on his left hand. At our wedding we moved the rings to our right hands. I don't know why, but that is the tradition.

At the end of the ceremony, both my husband and I paid our respects to our parents and parents-in-law by sungkem (kowtowing).

When the wedding reception and the ceremony was over, I was exhausted, but relieved. I thought I would not be able to go through it all because on Tuesday night I had a terrible headache. The clips of my hairdo gripped my head too tight. Thank God I felt better in the morning.

It was my parents' idea to hold a traditional wedding ceremony. I didn't want it. I think a religious ceremony at the mosque and a small thanksgiving party at home would have been enough. But my parents said they would feel uneasy with our relatives if they didn't hold a lavish wedding reception for me. There were between 200 and 300 guests at my wedding.

Anyway, it was a once-in-a-lifetime occasion.

Our invitations asked guests not to give us presents or flower arrangements, just practical things. Money is much better. We can spend the money on things we really need or give it to our parents.

When my brother got married, all the guests gave them presents. What can he do with all those things? He didn't need all of them. So he gives his presents to couples as wedding presents. It isn't appropriate but he thought it was the best thing he could do with the presents.

Hendra Pratiyakso, head of a logistics department of a private company in South Jakarta: I got married on Aug. 24, 1995, in the auditorium of Manggala Wanabhakti in Central Jakarta. On Aug. 18, my parents held a thanksgiving party at home. It was a Koran recital in two sessions: For female guests in the morning and for the male in the afternoon. After the recital, we distributed some money, food and prayer mats to about 20 orphans.

On the following day I had the siraman (shower) ceremony at home. My fiancee, Mila, had a similar ceremony in her parents' house.

We had the akad nikah at a mosque on Aug. 20 before some 150 guests. I am a Javanese but my wife is a Sundanese. Accordingly, after the ritual, we performed a Sundanese traditional ceremony, including the breaking of an egg, the throwing of coins and the release of doves. I don't really know what it all meant, I just did what they told me to do. But I think my mother and my mother- in-law released the doves as a symbol of our parents releasing us. After the ceremony, Mila and I went to my parents' house in Pondok Indah where we spent the night.

According to the pingitan tradition, we must stay in the house until the wedding reception. But we could not follow this because there were a lot of things to do. The following morning we went to our new house in Bintaro. We still had to handle the house documents and buy some household items. We shopped for a lovely bed.

In the morning of Aug. 24, we went to my parents' house. Our wedding reception began at 7 p.m., but I started to get ready at 4 p.m. They put make-up on my face and helped me put on a nice Yogyakarta-style wedding costume.

We entered the auditorium of the Manggala Wanabhakti building at about 7:30 p.m. Yes, it was a great fiesta. About 1,300 people who came to our wedding. The party was over at 10 p.m.

Things went well. Before I was married, thinking about the wedding made me a little bit nervous. But when I did it, I felt fine. I am happy that at last I got married after dating her for 10 years. (sim/pet/als)