Sad to See Parents Who Were Once Strict Now Being More Affectionate Towards Their Grandchildren? Here's What a Psychologist Says

Have you ever felt a pang of sadness when seeing your parents, who were once strict, now being more affectionate towards their grandchildren? This is a common and psychologically understandable experience.

Clinical psychologist from DR Oen Solo Baru Hospital, Yustinus Joko Dwi Nugroho, M.Psi., explains that this feeling is related to the concept of the ‘inner child’ – the part of ourselves that holds memories and emotional needs from childhood.

“It’s like thinking, ‘Why wasn’t I treated that way?’” Joko explained when contacted by Kompas.com on Tuesday (24/2/2026). He emphasizes that this feeling is not simply envy towards one’s child.

“It’s not envy, but rather a small sense of grief over past emotional needs that may not have been met,” Joko said.

Joko further explains that this can also be understood through John Bowlby’s attachment theory. He states that a child’s basic needs are for security and emotional connection.

“If the parenting style was stricter in the past, it would naturally affect the feeling of lacking affection,” he said. This can lead to a person only realizing their unmet emotional needs when comparing it to how their grandchildren are treated.

“The important thing is how we manage this, not by blaming, but by trying to see it from another perspective,” he explains. He reminds us that parents in the past also had their own limitations in terms of the times and their psychological capacity.

“Besides, there wasn’t as much discussion about parenting styles back then as there is now, with so much information available on social media,” Joko added. According to him, understanding the context of the past can help heal lingering wounds in intergenerational relationships.