Realising an Egalitarian and Dignified Marriage

Headline

Leavers urged to utilise WFA policy.

“PAID in cash, valid…” a phrase often heard during marriage contracts. The critical question: is this a sales contract or a contract of affection?

Syawal is often dubbed the ‘wedding season’ in Indonesia. With the shift following Eid al-Fitr, wedding invitations begin filling social media feeds and inboxes. Behind the bustle of flower decorations, catering menu choices, and elegant kebaya designs, there lies a sacred process at the heart of the entire event: the akad nikah.

However, upon closer observation, a paradoxical scene emerges. In many regions, during the ijab kabul, the female bride is ‘hidden’ in the bridal chamber. She is only presented after the bond is legally valid. This practice, though considered tradition, actually obscures the important narrative of women’s agency. Agency does not mean ‘doing everything alone’, but rather the full capacity and freedom to make independent decisions, control one’s own life path, and have authority over one’s body and voice without coercion from others.

Marriage, which should be a two-way agreement, often still feels like a one-sided transaction with women as objects ‘handed over’, not subjects asserting their sovereignty. The akad nikah phrase ‘paid in cash’ and the procession of the wife kissing the husband’s hand or washing the husband’s feet—but not vice versa—add to the chain of symbols reinforcing sales and patriarchy.

A study by Komnas Perempuan explains that violence against wives (KTI) remains very high even though the Domestic Violence Prevention Law (UU PKDRT) has been in place for over two decades. Could this be because patriarchal symbols are still deeply rooted in society, including those depicted in marriage processions?

Here are four efforts that can make the marriage procession more egalitarian and dignified. First, consent as a pillar of sovereignty in Islam. Second, including women and mothers at the akad table. Third, deconstructing the ‘paid in cash’ narrative and sales logic. Fourth, egalitarian handshakes as a symbol of mutual consent.

CONSENT AS A PILLAR OF SOVEREIGNTY IN ISLAM

Many mistakenly believe that obedience to the wali means total surrender of women’s agency. In fact, Islam has revolutionarily laid the foundation for the importance of consent. This sovereignty is recognised absolutely in prophetic history. There is a sahih hadith from Khansa binti Khidzam al-Anshariyah (HR Bukhari No 5138), a woman married by her father without her consent. When she complained, Prophet Muhammad SAW immediately annulled (fasakh) the marriage.

In the latest legal framework, Law Number 12 of 2022 on Sexual Violence Crimes (UU TPKS) brings revolutionary change by classifying forced marriage as one form of sexual violence crime. Based on Article 10 of UU TPKS, anyone who commits violence, threats of violence, or abuse of power to force someone to marry, whether with themselves or others, can be imprisoned for a maximum of 9 years and/or fined up to Rp200 million.

This covers various modes, from forced marriages in the name of tradition (such as bride kidnapping), child marriage coercion, to forcing marriage between a rape victim and the perpetrator as a pretext for ‘resolving’ the issue. The presence of UU TPKS automatically provides much stronger and more specific legal protection compared to previous regulations because the state now views forced marriage not merely as a private family matter, but also as a human rights violation and a form of violence with serious criminal consequences.

INCLUDING WOMEN AND MOTHERS AT THE AKAD TABLE

Modernity and inclusive religious awareness demand that we change the ethics at the akad table. Why only the father, prospective husband, witnesses, and penghulu sit in a circle? Including the prospective female bride at the akad table is a statement that she is an active legal subject. She is not merely a ‘recipient of fate’, but also the primary witness to the sacred promise (mitsaqon gholido) made in her name.

Furthermore, involving the mother in the procession is also crucial. In many traditions, the mother’s role is often reduced to domestic event matters. Yet, the mother is the one who best understands her daughter’s emotional dynamics. Giving space for the mother to sit in the akad circle is a form of respect for women’s existence in the family structure. Without the mother’s presence in that circle, a sacred procession feels like it has lost half its soul. The mother’s presence facilitates the bride and groom to immediately pay respects and seek blessings right after the akad nikah.

DECONSTRUCTING THE ‘PAID IN CASH’ NARRATIVE AND SALES LOGIC

One of the most urgent things to review is the diction used in the akad text. The utterance ‘I marry … with the said mahar paid in cash’ has long been the standard in Indonesia. However, the term ‘paid in cash’ is semantically very close to trade or transactional terminology. In the current digital economy era, the use of that diction is even no longer relevant because mahar payments are now commonly made non-cash via QRIS, bank transfers, or other digital wallets, so the term ‘cash’ is no longer appropriate if used as the opposite of ‘owing’ or ‘in debt’.

Sociologically, that narrative is dangerous because it perpetuates the mindset that the husband is ‘buying’ the wife. When a man feels he has ‘paid’ something in full, a sense of absolute ownership often emerges, leading to unfair treatment or arbitrary actions later on. In fact, mahar in Islam is a symbolic gift (shadaq) as a form of honouring and appreciation for her willingness to undertake the task