Polygamy: The ties that bind

Polygamy: The ties that bind

Polygamy, usually referring to men taking more than one wife at
the same time, has returned to the public's attention. We have a
president who is the child of a polygamous father (the country's
first leader Sukarno) and Vice President Hamzah Haz with at least
two wives. How do people integrate polygamy into their lives? The
Jakarta Post's Ivy Susanti finds out.

JAKARTA (JP): As Sri Mulyati sings a dangdut song at a South
Jakarta karaoke restaurant, Emmy Sundari gets up to dance,
surrounded by their children.

When Emmy sits down to have a go at a tune, Sri takes her
place on the dance floor.

The women live only 10 houses away from each other in Menteng
Dalam subdistrict in South Jakarta. Sri, 52, is two years older
than Emmy, and they have three children each.

And each of them has a daughter who is a nationally ranked
karate athlete. The women sit side by side at karate
competitions, cheering on their daughters.

Yet few onlookers would be able to guess that relationship
goes far beyond being neighbors and friends.

For the past 24 years, Sri and Emmy have shared the same
husband, attorney Megaputra Syoukat.

Sri and Emmy say they have taught their children to unite and
help each other in their polygamous family.

"We go shopping together, attend receptions with the whole
family and accompany our children to karate training. When Fitri
and Merani have to compete overseas, the three of us share the
same room because taking another room would cost us more," said
Sri of Emmy and their husband Mega.

But it was not easy for her when, at the age of 28 and six
months pregnant with Fitri after four years of marriage, she had
to accept Emmy and build a sisterly relationship with her.

"I think nobody wants to share her husband with another woman.
It was very difficult for me at first but finally I realized it's
God's fate. I could be strong because my late parents gave their
full support. They said I should not be jealous or I would fall
from God's grace," said Sri as the two families gathered for
dinner at the South Jakarta restaurant on Wednesday.

"The most important thing is that we should have a clean
heart, meaning we have no prejudice against each other. I teach
my children to maintain solidarity between the family. The
children have always played together since an early age."

Practice

With Islam as the country's majority religion, Indonesia
recognizes the practice of polygamy, also known as polygyny,
under specific conditions (polyandry, or women taking more than
one husband at a time, is a cultural rarity around the world).

Marriage Law 1/1974 states that a marriage is legal if it is
done according to the bridegroom's religion and faith.

It basically states that a man can only have one wife and vice
versa, but the court can approve a man's appeal to have more than
one wife if the wife cannot perform her wifely duties, she has a
physical handicap or suffers from an incurable disease, or cannot
bear children.

A man can apply to take another wife, if he receives approval
from his current wives that he can guarantee the welfare of all
his wives and children and assures that he will treat all the
family fairly.

However, civil servants, military and police officers must
receive permission from their supervisors before they can take
another wife.

The most quoted verse of the Koran on polygamy is An-Nisa:3
which allows a man to marry more than one woman, and up to four,
at the same time but only if he can deal justly with all of them.

Although Christianity and Catholicism ban any form of
polygamy, it has been a traditional practice among some ethnic
groups and tribes in the country.

Anthropologist James Danandjaja said that polygamy was
historically common in the country's patriarchal society but it
was only practiced by kings or tribal chiefs, as a symbol of
power.

Procreation and to make materially beneficial unions were
other motives for polygamy in some societies, he said.

"The traditional society of Trunyan, Bali, acknowledges
polygyny but it realizes that it will be hard for the woman. The
first wife, upon hearing that her husband wants to remarry or
have a mistress, will automatically spend all her husband's
wealth so the other woman will not receive any share ... "

Ultimately, however, James said that now and in the past,
polygamy was a socially condoned way to deal with male sexual
desire.

Divided

Perhaps it is to be expected that women are divided in their
opinion about polygamy.

Sociologist Julia I. Suryakusuma termed it a lifestyle choice.

"I think polygamy is a personal choice. I have no problem with
it. In my opinion, no human being is monogamous. In the animal
world, only certain species are monogamous, like wolves. Polygamy
is a complex issue, but I have one objection: why are only men
allowed to practice polygamy, and women do not receive equal
rights?"

Julia, also the executive director of the API Foundation for
Political Research, Information and Publications, said that
Hamzah's polygamous lifestyle, however, would likely encourage
the practice among bureaucrats in the country.

"My father was a diplomat under Sukarno's government so I know
some of the late president's officials also had more than one
wife. Sukarno became their inspiration. In the Soeharto era, the
practice was not so popular, particularly after the late Ibu Tien
Soeharto initiated the issuance of PP 10/1983," Julia said,
referring to the government regulation on the marriage and
divorce for civil servants.

Lawyer and human rights activist Rita Serena Kalibonso
strongly opposes polygamy, saying that a first wife would not get
a fair share if her husband remarried and their communal property
was then divided between three or more people instead of two.

The member of the National Commission Violence against Women
said the husband might find it difficult to give fair treatment
to all his wives.

"The state does not strictly regulate the fair treatment
between husband and multiple wives. The households make their own
rules, and it opens the opportunity for unfair treatment to a
woman, because she has to make sacrifices and her rights and her
children's rights are diminished."

She said that there should be a campaign to educate people,
especially women, about the benefits and disadvantages of
polygamy.

"We can't ban polygamy in Indonesia, especially after our Vice
President set an example for it, but we have to make an effort to
reduce the practice. We have to raise public awareness that
polygamy will open opportunities for unequal treatment for women
and children. We also have to educate the women about legal
protection so they can make the right decision when they are
going to marry."

Fate

Some women would rather not think of the possibility their
husbands taking another wife.

"That's crazy," said "Dina", 27, a married private company
employee in Jakarta. "A couple of my friends have become second
wives, but it must be terrible for the first wives, like they've
just been thrown away."

But Sri, Emmy and Mega believe that fate brought them
together.

Sri and Emmy share several similarities. They are both of
Minangkabau origin from West Sumatra and learned karate in their
youth. Sri married Mega in 1972, and the following year their
first son, Fahry Mega, was born.

Emmy said she was Mega's girlfriend in senior high school in
the early 1960s, but they seldom met after he married Sri. Emmy
asked him to find her a job in 1975, and it was not long after
that Mega decided to marry her.

"I believe my destiny was already written on the palm of my
hand," Emmy said, acknowledging that her parents were opposed to
her becoming a second wife.

"I had met many men, I dated a doctor, and my parents also
paired me with their favorite choice, but all of them did not end
up in marriage, until I married Pak Mega. He is my first love."

Mega, 52, also said that it was destiny, not lust, which led
him to marry two women.

The hardest thing for a husband is to be fair to both wives
and their children, he said.

"If I can only afford to buy one car, I would prefer not to
buy any car until I can buy two."

Sri's daughter Fitria, better known as Fitri, said most people
were taken aback when they learned her family was polygamous, but
she never felt mocked.

She said many people were curious about her relationship with
Emmy's daughter, Merani, also a karate athlete.

"There are always people who ask me, 'Fitri, is Merani your
sister?' and when I say yes they ask about our ages, which are
only different by six months. They ask, 'How come?' and I just
say 'I have two mothers'. Usually, they stop asking and just say
umm, as if they are trying to digest the information."