HIV-infected people share their grief and hopes

JAKARTA (JP): Why me? That is one of the first questions asked by someone when they discover that they are HIV positive.

In fact, anyone can become infected with the virus. Both men and women, children and adults, homosexuals and heterosexuals.

The main methods of infection are sexual relations, blood transfusions and contaminated needles, making it difficult to become infected with HIV. However, society shuns HIV positive people, mostly from fear of infection.

This, along with the fact that the condition is incurable, means that people with HIV/AIDS, who need the support of their family, friends and society, live in stress and despair.

Some courageous HIV positive people spoke to The Jakarta Post, sharing their hopes and their griefs.

Yuyun, 26, a housewife living in Kerawang, West Java. An elementary school drop out, she used to work in a discotheque in Batam. Now she is married with two children, aged 2 and 5:

In 1996, when I found out that I was infected with HIV, I was shocked. I cried every day. My neighbors scolded me and avoided me. And also my mother, she did not want to talk to me for almost one year. She would not play with my daughter, either.

Now, my mother accepts me and my two children. So do some of my neighbors, even though some others still shun me.

I used to work in a discotheque in Batam. I had worked there for about 18 months before I quit. I got married and returned to my hometown in Kerawang. My husband, a driver, lives in Singapore but he is Indonesian, and once every three months he comes to see me here in Kerawang. He knows that I am HIV positive and it was not a problem for him. He said that he took an HIV test in Singapore, but I don't know what the result was.

I was afraid that my children were also infected, but thank God, they are both HIV negative.

When I was still in Batam, I already knew about AIDS from television and from my friends. But we did not practice safe sex. I have many friends from my hometown who work in Batam. Once, they returned home, and I tried to tell them about the need to use a condom (when they serve their customers). But they got angry, saying it was not my business.

After I knew that I was HIV positive, I become closer to God.

I have regrets, but what can I do? Maybe it is my fate to be like this.

Yanti, 30, a Jakarta resident who makes a living as a seamstress. She is a divorcee with a 2-year-old son:

Earlier this year, when I learned that I was infected with HIV, I was shocked. I could not accept it. I felt useless. I lost my self-confidence, I was sad and ashamed. I locked myself in my room and would not meet anyone. I was confused. Then I met volunteers from Yayasan Pelita Ilmu, who gave me comfort and support. They also provided me with vitamins.

Now I can accept my condition. I don't want to count down my days. I have to raise my spirit... it is hard, but I have to think positively.

I have a son and I am happy that he is not infected with HIV. I only hope that I can see my child grow. I want to struggle, not just wait for my death.

Wisnu, 32, an accountant working in South Jakarta. He is handsome and friendly:

In 1994, a friend of mine, a doctor at Cipto Mangunkusumo General Hospital, told me that they were offering free HIV tests. I joined it just for fun and because it was free. It turned out that I was HIV positive.

Of course I was really shocked. Maybe it is a cliche, but our first question when we know that we are HIV positive is: "Why me?" It is hard to believe that we have the virus.

But I grew up in a hardship. My life was never easy, so when I knew that I was HIV positive, I was strong. I even went to work as usual because I did not want my friends to know about it.

In fact, until know, none of my co-workers know. I also don't tell my family because I don't want to put a mental burden on them. I have five siblings. My mother died a few years ago, and my father died last year.

How could I get infected with HIV? Did it has something to do with my lifestyle? I should tell you that I am gay. But I had been with my boyfriend, a Canadian, for seven years. He said that he had a HIV test in Canada and it was negative. I asked him to take a test in Jakarta, but he refused and I did not insist ... I told him that (being HIV positive) I was not suitable for him anymore. It was not easy, but we broke up.

Now I remain abstinent, as I have the moral responsibility not to spread the virus to other people. I won't do it, even with the safe-sex thing.

You ask if I am afraid. Oh yes, it is human to be afraid. When I have mosquito bites and I look at the red spots, or when I've had a headache which would not go away for three days, I am scared... what if... (the virus has developed into full-blown AIDS).

Whenever I have problem, I kneel down and pray. I become peaceful.

I don't take any medicine. I can't afford it. Before the crisis, it would take at least Rp 5 million to buy drugs, not to cure it, but just to slow down the development of the virus.

I only take temulawak, a traditional herb drink, and I pay much attention to the cleanliness and nutrition of my food.

One day, I will die. I am mentally prepared. Whenever I pray, I always think that it is my last prayer. I don't know what will happen to me later. And I ask God, if he wants to take me, please take me away, when I am still in good physical condition. If I die with wounds all over my body, what will my family say if people ask what has happened to me?

As an HIV-infected person, I have a hope that all of us are treated equally before the law, that we have the right to information and service, the right to get married and to live peacefully.

I wish, I lived in a world where, when people ask about my illness, I could say: "I am HIV positive", just like people who have diseases like the flu or cancer.

From the government, I wish that they would provide HIV carriers with loans, so that they can start their own businesses. I know that one day I will not be able to work in an office.

The government is not serious in addressing the HIV/AIDS issue, but the NGOs are quite active. Now I join Pelita Ilmu Foundation as a volunteer and help with the campaigns to curb the spread of HIV/AIDS. (sim)