English language: A veritable storehouse of humor

English language: A veritable storehouse of humor

By D. Chandramouli

JAKARTA (JP): English has virtually ousted most other
languages of the world and is currently reigning supreme as the
major language of commerce, medicine, electronics, space
technology, aviation, sea navigation and what not. Nearly, all
the information stored in the world's computers is in English.

English grammar is quite complicated. Learning English can be
a frustrating experience for some and fun for others.

Recently, the word paradigm has been bandied about extensively
in business circles, thanks to Stephen Covey, author of the book
The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. Paradigm means
perception, assumption or a frame of reference. When I read this
book a few years ago, I didn't know how to pronounce paradigm. I
understood later that it should be pronounced as paradime. Where
does the letter 'g' come in, simply beats my imagination.
Wouldn't it be better if it were spelled as it sounds?

Luckily, in Bahasa Indonesia, paradigm is translated as
paradigma and pronounced as such. Which, then, is a user-friendly
language, Indonesian or English?

In English, the meaning of some words may totally vary,
depending upon the context in which they are used. The other day
I read a caption in The Jakarta Post: 11 mental patients at large
in Manila. We know large means big. But, the message conveyed
here is that "11 mental patients escaped from the hospital". How
can we expect the learners of English to decipher such meanings?

English is a funny language. For instance, if you have
horrible dreams while sleeping during daytime, it's still called
a nightmare. The word doctoring is used to change the figures to
hide the truth in a financial statement. Isn't it a demeaning
word for the medical profession? Midwife does not mean one more
woman in a man's life. A midwife helps pregnant women to give
birth. A ring is a circular thing; if so, how do you explain a
boxing ring, which is a square?

America and England are bosom friends in almost all global
issues but coming down to the language, they are a world apart.

An American cannot visit England in the "fall" season -- he
should choose the British "autumn". If he wishes to stay in
England, he should look for a flat, not an apartment.

For breakfast, he should ask for jam, not jelly. In a
restaurant, he must call for a bill rather than a check. While
paying the bill, he should write a cheque, not a "check". He
can't use an overpass -- he must "fly over" in Britain. He can't
"mail" a letter in the UK, but "post" it.

A billboard in the U.S. is the same as a hoarding in England.
By the way, hoarding also means black marketing. One fails to
understand why it is used for "outdoor advertising". Logic must
have been the first casualty in the evolution of English,

A queen rules England but still, the country is called a
kingdom -- not a queendom! Well, if Her Majesty accepts the
status, who are we, "dumb" fellows, to worry?

I once had a Scottish boss. His English pronunciation used to
be so difficult to understand that I could never make head or
tail out of it. Consequently, I often resolved the problem by
simply availing "French" leave, just to escape from his English
onslaught!

It is, indeed, a privilege to be able to speak more than one
language. But, what happens if each country develops its own
version of English?

For instance, Singaporeans speak "Singlish", which can be
quite jarring to the ears. It may take a while to comprehend
their lahs (laws?).

Indians love to use the word kindly in the place of please.
Some are "over-kindly" though, when they write: "Please kindly
reply"! There is no one particular version of Indian English.
Indians tend to use English in different accents and
pronunciations. Sometimes, what they fail to convey in English,
they adequately compensate by their body language and facial
expressions.

Gujarati English can be quite different from the Tamilish
spoken down in South India. Incidentally, the Tamils don't send
telegrams, instead they "give" telegrams. It is because of the
pitfall of direct translation into English from Tamil.

There are, now, in the world, more nonnative speakers than
native speakers of English. But, surprisingly, in Indonesia,
native speakers are the most sought after, for teaching English.

The Dutch are indeed very clever. When they invite you for a
"Dutch treat", don't be carried away by their kind offer. it is
clearly a trap. What they mean is that each person is expected to
pay his or her own share of the bill. The only consolation, for
which we must be ever grateful to the Dutch, is that they don't
make us pay for their entertainment too!

Euphemisms come in handy for "soft" landings. Price
"increases" hide behind "price adjustments". Governments usually
get away with "deficit" budgeting for "over-spending". For laying
off hundreds of workers, companies these days resort to "down-
sizing".

The Jakarta Post editors relish using words like "inking the
document", "kicking off a meeting", etc. Don't you feel a little
uneasy, reading these phrases?

According to a UNDP report, English is used in almost 80
percent of Internet websites. Those who browse the Internet are
called Netizens. I'm afraid that the recent "Internet addiction"
by youngsters will be a "world-wide-worry" soon. We should take
steps to arrest this trend before the next generation becomes
"Nutizens".

"Pauses" are quite important in spoken English, as the
"commas" in written English. This is a story about two neighbor
families. One day, the husbands were discussing spending the
weekend at a nearby resort. That evening, one of the wives met
the neighbor's husband. She asked him what was the discussion
about. He replied that there was a proposal to go on a picnic
during the weekend. She then inquired: "Who are all going?" "You
my wife I your husband", said the man, without batting an eyelid.
I leave it to you to guess the lady's reaction.

Surely, we cannot do without English in whichever field we are
employed. Well, then, why don't we all enjoy the humor in English
with all its nuances (nuisances?).