English language: A veritable storehouse of humor<\/p>\n
By D. Chandramouli<\/p>\n
JAKARTA (JP): English has virtually ousted most other
\nlanguages of the world and is currently reigning supreme as the
\nmajor language of commerce, medicine, electronics, space
\ntechnology, aviation, sea navigation and what not. Nearly, all
\nthe information stored in the world's computers is in English.<\/p>\n
English grammar is quite complicated. Learning English can be
\na frustrating experience for some and fun for others.<\/p>\n
Recently, the word paradigm has been bandied about extensively
\nin business circles, thanks to Stephen Covey, author of the book
\nThe 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. Paradigm means
\nperception, assumption or a frame of reference. When I read this
\nbook a few years ago, I didn't know how to pronounce paradigm. I
\nunderstood later that it should be pronounced as paradime. Where
\ndoes the letter 'g' come in, simply beats my imagination.
\nWouldn't it be better if it were spelled as it sounds?<\/p>\n
Luckily, in Bahasa Indonesia, paradigm is translated as
\nparadigma and pronounced as such. Which, then, is a user-friendly
\nlanguage, Indonesian or English?<\/p>\n
In English, the meaning of some words may totally vary,
\ndepending upon the context in which they are used. The other day
\nI read a caption in The Jakarta Post: 11 mental patients at large
\nin Manila. We know large means big. But, the message conveyed
\nhere is that \"11 mental patients escaped from the hospital\". How
\ncan we expect the learners of English to decipher such meanings?<\/p>\n
English is a funny language. For instance, if you have
\nhorrible dreams while sleeping during daytime, it's still called
\na nightmare. The word doctoring is used to change the figures to
\nhide the truth in a financial statement. Isn't it a demeaning
\nword for the medical profession? Midwife does not mean one more
\nwoman in a man's life. A midwife helps pregnant women to give
\nbirth. A ring is a circular thing; if so, how do you explain a
\nboxing ring, which is a square?<\/p>\n
America and England are bosom friends in almost all global
\nissues but coming down to the language, they are a world apart.<\/p>\n
An American cannot visit England in the \"fall\" season -- he
\nshould choose the British \"autumn\". If he wishes to stay in
\nEngland, he should look for a flat, not an apartment.<\/p>\n
For breakfast, he should ask for jam, not jelly. In a
\nrestaurant, he must call for a bill rather than a check. While
\npaying the bill, he should write a cheque, not a \"check\". He
\ncan't use an overpass -- he must \"fly over\" in Britain. He can't
\n\"mail\" a letter in the UK, but \"post\" it.<\/p>\n
A billboard in the U.S. is the same as a hoarding in England.
\nBy the way, hoarding also means black marketing. One fails to
\nunderstand why it is used for \"outdoor advertising\". Logic must
\nhave been the first casualty in the evolution of English,<\/p>\n
A queen rules England but still, the country is called a
\nkingdom -- not a queendom! Well, if Her Majesty accepts the
\nstatus, who are we, \"dumb\" fellows, to worry?<\/p>\n
I once had a Scottish boss. His English pronunciation used to
\nbe so difficult to understand that I could never make head or
\ntail out of it. Consequently, I often resolved the problem by
\nsimply availing \"French\" leave, just to escape from his English
\nonslaught!<\/p>\n
It is, indeed, a privilege to be able to speak more than one
\nlanguage. But, what happens if each country develops its own
\nversion of English?<\/p>\n
For instance, Singaporeans speak \"Singlish\", which can be
\nquite jarring to the ears. It may take a while to comprehend
\ntheir lahs (laws?).<\/p>\n
Indians love to use the word kindly in the place of please.
\nSome are \"over-kindly\" though, when they write: \"Please kindly
\nreply\"! There is no one particular version of Indian English.
\nIndians tend to use English in different accents and
\npronunciations. Sometimes, what they fail to convey in English,
\nthey adequately compensate by their body language and facial
\nexpressions.<\/p>\n
Gujarati English can be quite different from the Tamilish
\nspoken down in South India. Incidentally, the Tamils don't send
\ntelegrams, instead they \"give\" telegrams. It is because of the
\npitfall of direct translation into English from Tamil.<\/p>\n
There are, now, in the world, more nonnative speakers than
\nnative speakers of English. But, surprisingly, in Indonesia,
\nnative speakers are the most sought after, for teaching English.<\/p>\n
The Dutch are indeed very clever. When they invite you for a
\n\"Dutch treat\", don't be carried away by their kind offer. it is
\nclearly a trap. What they mean is that each person is expected to
\npay his or her own share of the bill. The only consolation, for
\nwhich we must be ever grateful to the Dutch, is that they don't
\nmake us pay for their entertainment too!<\/p>\n
Euphemisms come in handy for \"soft\" landings. Price
\n\"increases\" hide behind \"price adjustments\". Governments usually
\nget away with \"deficit\" budgeting for \"over-spending\". For laying
\noff hundreds of workers, companies these days resort to \"down-
\nsizing\".<\/p>\n
The Jakarta Post editors relish using words like \"inking the
\ndocument\", \"kicking off a meeting\", etc. Don't you feel a little
\nuneasy, reading these phrases?<\/p>\n
According to a UNDP report, English is used in almost 80
\npercent of Internet websites. Those who browse the Internet are
\ncalled Netizens. I'm afraid that the recent \"Internet addiction\"
\nby youngsters will be a \"world-wide-worry\" soon. We should take
\nsteps to arrest this trend before the next generation becomes
\n\"Nutizens\".<\/p>\n
\"Pauses\" are quite important in spoken English, as the
\n\"commas\" in written English. This is a story about two neighbor
\nfamilies. One day, the husbands were discussing spending the
\nweekend at a nearby resort. That evening, one of the wives met
\nthe neighbor's husband. She asked him what was the discussion
\nabout. He replied that there was a proposal to go on a picnic
\nduring the weekend. She then inquired: \"Who are all going?\" \"You
\nmy wife I your husband\", said the man, without batting an eyelid.
\nI leave it to you to guess the lady's reaction.<\/p>\n
Surely, we cannot do without English in whichever field we are
\nemployed. Well, then, why don't we all enjoy the humor in English
\nwith all its nuances (nuisances?).<\/p>",
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