Does detox frenzy make one's life easy?

By Aida Greenbury

JAKARTA (JP): Living in this depressing, almost mental society, exacerbated by daily pollution contributed by rows of rust infested buses nowadays, is a huge challenge. That thick black smoke coming from their exhausts makes you half blind and say: "Yikes!" when you clean your nose in front of the bathroom mirror later on; that can be classified as one pollutant, right?

Not to mention that escaping the city's hustle and bustle by heading to beaches or mountain retreats every weekend is also almost a total waste of both time and energy from either the long stationary driving or the endless waiting in airport lounges for delayed flights. And as soon as you step into the resort, you find the same people, carrying the same diseases, from the same city, congesting the lobby. And you can't avoid hearing their soulless conversations that automatically makes your ears flap and itch, like: "Great to see you here, John. I can't wait to discuss the coming IPO session next week. How far do you think the shares are going to jump? Should we manipulate it?" Aaaargh!

You would definitely wish for a different kind of manipulation at that stage.

But when you walk into the spa center, the masseuse who's supposed to be giving you a relaxing massage, continuously whinges about how she wishes the political situation in the country would improve so that she could get more tips from the guests, like before. Nevertheless, she doesn't forget to mention how her husband ran away and left five kids to feed behind.

Then you start to feel your head pound, your blood rush in all directions, your lungs gasp for carbon-monoxide-free air and beads of sweat appear on the T-areas of your face.

You think that you need help. You feel like a pathetic walking zombie who's got slightly too much stuff going on in your head.

Sitting with Jenny at a hot club in Jakarta last weekend, listening to a crappy band from Australia, singing crappy songs with the weirdest accent I had ever heard, I watched her gulping her fifth glass of margarita.

"You should be careful with the salt Jenny, it's bad for your heart," I told her, seriously concerned.

"Yup, it's okay, I have made an appointment for a detox treatment tomorrow. I'll be back fresh and have my cheeks glowing as healthy as a newly born baby within two days."

Wow, what's that, David Copperfield's latest magical trick? That'll make half of the aging population in the world go nuts!

Having read the latest edition of Marie Claire one morning (I bought it only because it had a detox article in it), now I have a little bit more understanding of what the treatment really is.

Basically, according to the article, the doctors need to test your body liquids like urine, saliva (large amounts) and blood to determine the level of destruction and poison in your body's principal organs and biological system.

A few days, or weeks - depending on how squandered your body condition is - a shocking diet regime is imposed to dispose your body's accumulated toxins created by a stressful life style, polluted environment and trashy food.

The first day of the detox treatment is the hardest part. If you can't take it, that's it - pack your bags and go home. For the first 24 hours, you are only allowed to drink purified water and watered down juice, while some fibrous veggies are given on the second day - no, you can't eat the half cooked carrots and celery with your favorite 99 percents saturated fat dips.

Dizziness, nausea and temptation to commit suicide (likely to happen after one short phone call to a friend who's partying at a bar downtown) are probably the most common side effects during this body cleansing process.

And, after you finish the program, you are obliged to avoid eating certain foods including cheese, milk, egg, soy, corn, wheat, glutenous products and meat for the rest of your life. Ha! I couldn't stop laughing reading this. The list basically mentions almost all edible - energy boosting, yummy stuff I can't imagine living without! What can you eat then? Weeds? I guess they're cheaper. We only have to put up with the angry mobs of underfed and unemployed cows, chickens and their gangs.

Well, is it necessary to insert this detox regime - after Michel Perry's knee high red boots, of course - in your 'this season must have' long list? It's your call.

Some people find it as an easy way-out to achieve a toxic free plus younger (so they say) body system. It gives them some extra confidence. Hey, living in this current noxious environment, if somebody tells me that sticking cow dung on my forehead will prevent me from catching any diseases - some people in a small village in East Java reportedly believe in it - I will not even think twice of doing that either!

Yesterday I met up with Jenny for our ritual Wednesday lunch.

"Don't you notice something different about me?" Jenny asked excitedly. What? New nose job? Tell you the truth, I couldn't see anything.

"My detox specialist told me that now I'm biologically a 25- year-old woman. So I am biologically five years younger than I was three days ago," she explained while chewing the greasy bacon in her spaghetti carbonara - her left hand clasped around her second glass of double baileys.