Disagreements with your partner are normal: how to handle them
Jakarta (ANTARA) – In a relationship, it is almost impossible for two people always to share the same opinions.
Couples may see things differently on finances, work, family, how to spend their time, or even simple matters such as choosing a place to eat or making weekend plans.
Disagreement does not automatically mean that a relationship is in trouble.
The American Psychological Association (APA) says that disagreements are part of relationships, while the way couples communicate when they encounter differences is more important. Communication characterised by shouting, personal criticism or withdrawing from the conversation can damage a relationship.
So, rather than focusing on who is most right, couples would do well to learn how to handle differences without letting the relationship become collateral damage.
Here are some approaches to try.
- Remember that having different opinions does not mean you are incompatible
When a partner has a different point of view, the first reaction may sometimes be to think, “Perhaps we are not right for each other.” But disagreement is a normal part of a relationship.
Everyone brings different experiences, habits, values and ways of thinking. Even couples who have been together for a long time will not always see an issue in the same way.
The Gottman Institute, which focuses on relationships through psychological research, also emphasises that conflict is a natural part of relationships. The issue is not whether couples ever argue, but how they manage it. Different opinions therefore do not have to be seen immediately as a threat to the relationship.
- Listen until your partner has finished
When you feel that your opinion is not being accepted, you may feel the urge to defend yourself straight away or interrupt your partner. But listening well can be a simple way to lower the tension.
Try to hear what your partner is really trying to say. Do not just wait for your turn to respond. The NHS recommends that couples practise active listening: listening attentively and repeating or confirming what has been said to avoid misunderstandings.
For example, instead of immediately saying, “You’ve misunderstood me,” try saying, “So you think the problem is that I cancel our plans too often, is that right?” A simple sentence like that shows you are trying to understand before responding.
- Separate the problem from your partner’s character
This is an important point. When you are upset, a conversation can easily shift from discussing a problem to attacking your partner’s character.
It may start with your partner arriving late. But then the conversation turns into, “You’re always selfish.” A specific problem has now widened into a judgement about your partner’s entire personality.
The Gottman Institute advises couples to express complaints without blaming their partner personally. Focus on the behaviour or situation at hand, rather than labelling your partner.
It is better to say, “I’m disappointed because we had already made plans,” than, “You never know how to respect me.” Both express disappointment, but in very different ways.
- Talk about yourself instead of always accusing your partner
During a conflict, statements beginning with “you” can often sound accusatory.
“You never listen.”
“You always ignore me.”
“That’s just the way you are.”
Such statements can make your partner immediately defensive.
Instead, try to explain how you feel and how a particular action affects you.
For example:
“I feel unheard when I’m telling you something.”
“I’m disappointed when our plans change at the last minute.”
“I need a little time to calm down before we continue this conversation.”
This approach helps keep the discussion focused on feelings and needs rather than mutual blame. The NHS also recommends using “I” statements to explain how you feel, rather than “you” statements that may sound accusatory.
- Do not force a resolution when emotions are running high
Sometimes an issue does need to be discussed promptly. But that does not mean every conflict has to be resolved within a few minutes. If one or both people are very angry, the discussion may become even harder to control.
In that situation, it is fine to take a break. That does not mean running away from the problem or deliberately giving your partner the silent treatment.
Clearly say that you need time to calm down and will return to the discussion when things are better.
The NHS also advises taking a short break if it is difficult to talk calmly, then resuming the discussion when both people are more prepared. The important thing is not to use the break as a reason to avoid the problem indefinitely.
- Do not save up old grievances and bring them all out at once
Have you ever had an argument that began with one issue but suddenly turned into a list of your partner’s mistakes from the past few months?
This happens quite often. Unresolved problems can pile up and eventually come out when emotions are running high.
So, if something is bothering you, try to talk about it when the situation allows. Do not wait until everything has built up and then bring it all out in one argument.
The Gottman Institute also advises couples not to hold on to too many problems until they emerge as a long list of complaints in a single conflict.
- Look for a solution, not a victory
In a relationship, winning an argument does not necessarily mean winning anything. You may succeed in proving that your opinion is the most correct.
But if your partner comes away from the conversation feeling humiliated or disrespected, the relationship may still suffer. So change the question from “Who is right?” to “How can we resolve this?”
The Gottman Institute says managing conflict is not about avoiding differences or winning arguments, but about finding ways to understand each other’s perspectives and keep the relationship healthy. Nor does every disagreement have to end with one person giving in.
Sometimes couples need to learn to accept that they have different views.
- Find out what the real problem is
Not every argument is really about the issue being discussed. A couple may argue because one partner came home late.
But behind the anger there may actually be a feeling of being unappreciated or concern about not being a priority.
Likewise, an argument about money may really concern security, freedom or habits carried over from each person’s family. So when a conflict keeps recurring, try asking, “What is actually upsetting me or my partner?”
The Gottman Institute explains that recurring conflicts sometimes stem from differences in values or needs, or from deeper issues than the one on the surface. Understanding the root of the problem can help couples stop arguing about the same thing repeatedly.
- Learn to apologise and make amends
Sometimes, after a discussion, we realise that the way we spoke was wrong. Do not let pride stop you from apologising. An apology does not always mean admitting that your partner’s entire opinion is correct.
You can continue to hold a different view while acknowledging that the way you expressed it hurt your partner. For example: “I still see things differently, but I’m sorry I spoke so harshly earlier.”
Small efforts to repair things are important so that conflict does not leave a wound that carries over into the next argument. The Gottman Institute also regards the ability to repair a relationship after conflict as an important skill in managing differences.
- Remember that you are on the same team
When you are arguing, your partner can feel like an opponent. But the goal is not to win a contest against them.
You are both actually facing the same problem. So try to change your perspective.
Not “me against you”, but “us facing this problem together”.
A simple sentence such as, “Let’s work out a solution together,” can change the tone of the conversation.
A healthy relationship is not one without conflict. The ability to continue respecting each other when you disagree is an important part of a long-term relationship.