Jakarta (ANTARA) \u2013 In a relationship, it is almost impossible for two\npeople always to share the same opinions.<\/p>\n
Couples may see things differently on finances, work, family, how to\nspend their time, or even simple matters such as choosing a place to eat\nor making weekend plans.<\/p>\n
Disagreement does not automatically mean that a relationship is in\ntrouble.<\/p>\n
The American Psychological Association (APA) says that disagreements\nare part of relationships, while the way couples communicate when they\nencounter differences is more important. Communication characterised by\nshouting, personal criticism or withdrawing from the conversation can\ndamage a relationship.<\/p>\n
So, rather than focusing on who is most right, couples would do well\nto learn how to handle differences without letting the relationship\nbecome collateral damage.<\/p>\n
Here are some approaches to try.<\/p>\n
When a partner has a different point of view, the first reaction may\nsometimes be to think, \u201cPerhaps we are not right for each other.\u201d But\ndisagreement is a normal part of a relationship.<\/p>\n
Everyone brings different experiences, habits, values and ways of\nthinking. Even couples who have been together for a long time will not\nalways see an issue in the same way.<\/p>\n
The Gottman Institute, which focuses on relationships through\npsychological research, also emphasises that conflict is a natural part\nof relationships. The issue is not whether couples ever argue, but how\nthey manage it. Different opinions therefore do not have to be seen\nimmediately as a threat to the relationship.<\/p>\n
When you feel that your opinion is not being accepted, you may feel\nthe urge to defend yourself straight away or interrupt your partner. But\nlistening well can be a simple way to lower the tension.<\/p>\n
Try to hear what your partner is really trying to say. Do not just\nwait for your turn to respond. The NHS recommends that couples practise\nactive listening: listening attentively and repeating or confirming what\nhas been said to avoid misunderstandings.<\/p>\n
For example, instead of immediately saying, \u201cYou\u2019ve misunderstood\nme,\u201d try saying, \u201cSo you think the problem is that I cancel our plans\ntoo often, is that right?\u201d A simple sentence like that shows you are\ntrying to understand before responding.<\/p>\n
This is an important point. When you are upset, a conversation can\neasily shift from discussing a problem to attacking your partner\u2019s\ncharacter.<\/p>\n
It may start with your partner arriving late. But then the\nconversation turns into, \u201cYou\u2019re always selfish.\u201d A specific problem has\nnow widened into a judgement about your partner\u2019s entire\npersonality.<\/p>\n
The Gottman Institute advises couples to express complaints without\nblaming their partner personally. Focus on the behaviour or situation at\nhand, rather than labelling your partner.<\/p>\n
It is better to say, \u201cI\u2019m disappointed because we had already made\nplans,\u201d than, \u201cYou never know how to respect me.\u201d Both express\ndisappointment, but in very different ways.<\/p>\n
During a conflict, statements beginning with \u201cyou\u201d can often sound\naccusatory.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never listen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou always ignore me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s just the way you are.\u201d<\/p>\n
Such statements can make your partner immediately defensive.<\/p>\n
Instead, try to explain how you feel and how a particular action\naffects you.<\/p>\n
For example:<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel unheard when I\u2019m telling you something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m disappointed when our plans change at the last minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need a little time to calm down before we continue this\nconversation.\u201d<\/p>\n
This approach helps keep the discussion focused on feelings and needs\nrather than mutual blame. The NHS also recommends using \u201cI\u201d statements\nto explain how you feel, rather than \u201cyou\u201d statements that may sound\naccusatory.<\/p>\n
Sometimes an issue does need to be discussed promptly. But that does\nnot mean every conflict has to be resolved within a few minutes. If one\nor both people are very angry, the discussion may become even harder to\ncontrol.<\/p>\n
In that situation, it is fine to take a break. That does not mean\nrunning away from the problem or deliberately giving your partner the\nsilent treatment.<\/p>\n
Clearly say that you need time to calm down and will return to the\ndiscussion when things are better.<\/p>\n
The NHS also advises taking a short break if it is difficult to talk\ncalmly, then resuming the discussion when both people are more prepared.\nThe important thing is not to use the break as a reason to avoid the\nproblem indefinitely.<\/p>\n
Have you ever had an argument that began with one issue but suddenly\nturned into a list of your partner\u2019s mistakes from the past few\nmonths?<\/p>\n
This happens quite often. Unresolved problems can pile up and\neventually come out when emotions are running high.<\/p>\n
So, if something is bothering you, try to talk about it when the\nsituation allows. Do not wait until everything has built up and then\nbring it all out in one argument.<\/p>\n
The Gottman Institute also advises couples not to hold on to too many\nproblems until they emerge as a long list of complaints in a single\nconflict.<\/p>\n
In a relationship, winning an argument does not necessarily mean\nwinning anything. You may succeed in proving that your opinion is the\nmost correct.<\/p>\n
But if your partner comes away from the conversation feeling\nhumiliated or disrespected, the relationship may still suffer. So change\nthe question from \u201cWho is right?\u201d to \u201cHow can we resolve this?\u201d<\/p>\n
The Gottman Institute says managing conflict is not about avoiding\ndifferences or winning arguments, but about finding ways to understand\neach other\u2019s perspectives and keep the relationship healthy. Nor does\nevery disagreement have to end with one person giving in.<\/p>\n
Sometimes couples need to learn to accept that they have different\nviews.<\/p>\n
Not every argument is really about the issue being discussed. A\ncouple may argue because one partner came home late.<\/p>\n
But behind the anger there may actually be a feeling of being\nunappreciated or concern about not being a priority.<\/p>\n
Likewise, an argument about money may really concern security,\nfreedom or habits carried over from each person\u2019s family. So when a\nconflict keeps recurring, try asking, \u201cWhat is actually upsetting me or\nmy partner?\u201d<\/p>\n
The Gottman Institute explains that recurring conflicts sometimes\nstem from differences in values or needs, or from deeper issues than the\none on the surface. Understanding the root of the problem can help\ncouples stop arguing about the same thing repeatedly.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, after a discussion, we realise that the way we spoke was\nwrong. Do not let pride stop you from apologising. An apology does not\nalways mean admitting that your partner\u2019s entire opinion is correct.<\/p>\n
You can continue to hold a different view while acknowledging that\nthe way you expressed it hurt your partner. For example: \u201cI still see\nthings differently, but I\u2019m sorry I spoke so harshly earlier.\u201d<\/p>\n
Small efforts to repair things are important so that conflict does\nnot leave a wound that carries over into the next argument. The Gottman\nInstitute also regards the ability to repair a relationship after\nconflict as an important skill in managing differences.<\/p>\n
When you are arguing, your partner can feel like an opponent. But the\ngoal is not to win a contest against them.<\/p>\n
You are both actually facing the same problem. So try to change your\nperspective.<\/p>\n
Not \u201cme against you\u201d, but \u201cus facing this problem together\u201d.<\/p>\n
A simple sentence such as, \u201cLet\u2019s work out a solution together,\u201d can\nchange the tone of the conversation.<\/p>\n
A healthy relationship is not one without conflict. The ability to\ncontinue respecting each other when you disagree is an important part of\na long-term relationship.<\/p>", "url": "https:\/\/jawawa.id\/newsitem\/disagreements-with-your-partner-are-normal-how-to-handle-them-1791802537", "image": "" }, "sponsor": "Okusi Associates", "sponsor_url": "https:\/\/okusiassociates.com" }