Women often silent in the face of domestic violence

Women often silent in the face of domestic violence

By Gedsiri Suhartono

JAKARTA (JP): That morning, Nita (not her real name) came to work with two black eyes for the third time since she began working here last year.

"I slipped on the bathroom floor again," she told her coworkers. One colleague, who was observant enough to notice her bluff, took Nita out to lunch and inadvertently asked her if she had been beaten by her husband. After being persuaded that her colleague knew of others with similar stories, Nita gave in.

"It really isn't that bad. He only hits me every few months," she sobbed.

Such is a typical response from victims of domestic abuse. Their hesitancy to reveal even the slightest hint of their suffering is largely due to society's general tendency to blame the victim, mostly women involved in heterosexual relationships, for being battered by their male partners.

A Canadian study found that one out of 10 women suffers from domestic violence perpetrated by their partners. More than two million women are battered in the United States annually, while 1.5 to three million children witness the scenario.

In our society, domestic abuse, a daily occurrence in many people's lives, is scarcely heard of. Infrequent mention of the occurrence, however, does not mean that no abuse takes place in many homes. Be they shanties or beautiful mansions, affairs that take place within are supposed to be free from outside intervention.

Moreover, the unabated malady is "supported" by the stigma that hallows the legal and sacred institution of marriage. Couples must work through foibles in their marriages without any outside interference.

Most victims of domestic abuse feel alone in their tribulations and opt to withhold their grievances instead of bearing the risk of being condemned for not being "good" to their spouse by revealing family "secrets".

Society's disposition of burdening women with the sole responsibility of homemaker -- measured with the husband's yardstick -- worsens the domestic violence calamity. Battered women, having lost all self-confidence, blame themselves for making mistakes and feel they deserve to be hit by their partners.

Domestic abuse, according to Elli N. Hasbianto from the Yogyakarta-based Rifka Annisa Women's Crisis Center, is a poignant form of human rights violation committed through acts of discrimination against women.

Elli told a national seminar on "Protecting Women from Sexual Harassment and Violence" held in Yogyakarta last year, that at the root of domestic abuse are the deeply embedded patriarchal values that give credence to men's superiority over women, a fertile ground for rampant practices of discrimination and violence against women.

According to Elli, the perceived power gap that exists in heterosexual relationships, where men are endowed with more "power", has resulted in some men treating women as their property and meting out punishment according to their standard of "decency".

Endah Nurdiana from the recently established Rumah Ibu Crisis Center told The Jakarta Post that most societies consider beating women every now and then as a daily fact of life.

"It is not confined to any particular culture. It happens in nearly every country. Unfortunately, it is considered taboo to expose the incidents," she said.

Myra Diarsi, a psychologist and women's rights activist, reinforced Elli's opinion by saying that women are afflicted by various forms of gender-based violence in all areas of their lives, including in the family, home, society, workplace, public places and on the streets. This phenomenon, she added, should be understood within the cultural, social, economic and political bounds which give men privileges over women, who have always been regarded as men's possessions in need of protection.

Causes

There are various issues considered capable of igniting domestic abuse. Among them are misinterpretation of religious teachings, which stipulate men's control over women, as well as the belief that women are economically and socially dependent on men.

Being the privileged ones, some men can justify their abuse of women to ensure their spouse's obedience and loyalty. When a man abuses a woman emotionally, he continuously puts her down, makes her feel bad about herself, calls her names, makes her think she's crazy, plays mind games and humiliates her.

A woman is economically abused when she is prevented from getting or keeping a job, has to ask for money, and does not know about the family's income or how to obtain access to it.

If the man is the one who continuously makes the big decisions, acts like the king around the home and is the only one who defines gender roles, he is abusing his partner.

The most obvious form of abuse is physical violence, which escalates in degrees of severity. The pre-battering stage includes verbal abuse, hitting, throwing and breaking objects, and making threats. At the severe level, a man might choke a woman, beat her with objects or rape her. There are two kinds of rape in domestic violence: with weapons and through the woman's submission out of fear of being beaten had she refused sex. Statistics show that one out of three women in a battering relationship is raped.

Physical abuse goes through a particular repetitive cycle which comprises periods of battering, apologizing, honeymooning and tranquility.

Domestic abuse is not limited exclusively to married couples. Unmarried couples are also vulnerable to domestic abuse. A man's overdomineering acts such as obsessive jealously and suspicion may be early indications of a future spouse batterer.

Honeymoon

According to Myra, it is during the honeymoon period that the batterer tries hard to convince the victim not to leave the relationship by giving the impression that they would start anew and toss the painful past behind.

The worse the battering gets, the shorter the honeymoon period is, Myra said, adding that many women are somehow convinced that their partners made mistakes and really regretted their misdeeds this time. Many victims, unfortunately, fall into the seduction of being socially "secure" by being in the relationships and continue to be caught in the vicious circle.

Battered women suffer physical and mental problems as a result of domestic violence. Studies in the United States revealed that battering is the single major cause of injury to women, more significant than auto accidents, rapes or muggings. The emotional and psychological abuse may actually be more costly to treat in the short term, compared to physical injury. The World Bank cited that women lost 9.5 years of healthy living resulting from the sufferings inflicted by rapes and domestic violence. There has not been any thorough studies conducted on the long-term effects of domestic violence.

Considering the ill-fate that befalls many women, it is perplexing to an outsider that many of them remain in abusive relationships. Leaving, apparently, is not as easy as packing one's clothes and belongings. Many women are lured by the possibility that their partner finally "got it right" this time while they hope that the honeymoon period will last for eternity. Those with children, for example, would vow to persevere for their sake in order to have a healthy family. Few women realize that the cycle of abuse will continue. Not even separation will put an end to it.

The U.S. Department of Justice cited that about 75 percent of domestic assaults reported to law enforcement agencies were inflicted following a couple's separation.

Given the range of abuse, experts have warned that everyone is prone to becoming involved in abusive relationships. Social, economic and cultural backgrounds are not major factors in instances of abuse.

It occurs across cultures and exceeds one's economic and educational background. Most unexplained cases of abuse happen in society's middle to upper class. Many of the abuser husbands are reportedly public figures with impeccable reputations, Dinny Jusuf, also from Rumah Ibu, told the Post.

According to Dinny, it is more difficult for the wounded birds in their golden cages to release themselves from the confinement of domestic abuse and seek help because they think they are alone and fear they would jeopardize their social status if they revealed their predicament.

Some believe that women of the low-income bracket are perceived as more "equipped" to cope with domestic abuse because they are generally not economically dependent on their husbands, many are actually the family breadwinner.

Their primordial communal habit fosters certain degrees of sharing stories with neighbors and they are less hesitant to retaliate against indecent treatment.

Many women activists believe that reported occurrences of domestic abuse that are disregarded are a part of state violence and discrimination committed against women. There are no statistics on the issue to enable legal action to be taken against the perpetrator.

"Domestic abuse is considered a private affair. People and law enforcers refuse to interfere," Endah said, adding that women should feel fortunate if they are not laughed at when they file a report.

Recounting their experiences of accompanying clients, both Endah and Myra said law enforcer's respond pathetically to reports on domestic violence. It is treated as a joke. "Bruises are not convincing enough to doctors or the police as evidence of domestic violence," Endah told the Post.

Officers would suggest that a woman return home and try to work things out, or refuse to file the complaint altogether for lack of a witness and evidence.

"Alleviation of the power and gender disparities might eliminate women's plight," Myra said.

It might take a while before the cry is heard. Women will continue shedding tears in silence until both men and women realize that women, and all human beings, do not deserve any form of abuse. It is not an acceptable, justified, natural, day to day practice, regardless of thousands of years of practice.