When Communication Breaks Down, Children Choose to Withdraw from Parents
Have you ever noticed how a house can feel so quiet, even when all family members are inside? The television is on, the aroma of cooking wafts from the kitchen. Yet, between parents and children, there is an invisible but very real distance. This is not a physical gap, but a distance in interaction and communication. This phenomenon is not new, but it has been increasingly reported lately, especially as the younger generation begins to speak out on social media about how difficult it is to open up to their own parents.
Why does a child prefer to bottle up their problems rather than talk to their parents? This question illustrates that communication within a family does not always run as smoothly as it appears. Nowadays, many children choose to stay silent, suppress their feelings, or even avoid conversation with their parents because they feel misunderstood, fear being judged, and worry that their opinions will not be heard. The family should be the first place that provides a sense of security and trust for a child. Therefore, when communication breaks down, the relationship between parents and children slowly drifts apart, causing problems that should be solved together to be buried alone.
Behind this situation, there is a moment that may feel very familiar to many parents: a child comes home, goes straight to their room, and closes the door. When asked, the reply is brief: ‘I’m fine’ or ‘It’s nothing,’ followed by silence. For some parents, this is an alarm signal that something is wrong. For others, it has become a routine considered normal. Yet, behind that closed door, there are conversations that should have happened but never did, with consequences that are far longer lasting than one might imagine.
Looking at this from a communication perspective, the issue in many homes is not that parents and children do not talk to each other. They do talk, but the process stops halfway. Ideally, communication involves a process of delivering a message and receiving feedback that connects both parties. This is where the problem lies: in many families, the communication process breaks down at the feedback stage. When a child tries to express something, what they receive is not understanding but immediate judgement, causing the two-way process to halt before a shared meaning is formed.
Quoting Joseph A. DeVito from ‘The Interpersonal Communication Book’: ‘Effective communication is a transactional process in which meaning is created jointly by the sender and the receiver.’ This quote highlights a fundamental aspect often missed in parent-child relationships. Communication is not just talking; it is a two-way exchange. When parents dominate the conversation, give advice without listening, judge before understanding, or respond to a child’s story with a long lecture, it is no longer communication. It becomes a one-way broadcast, and eventually, the child stops trying to send messages.
In many Indonesian families, this one-way communication pattern often hides behind good intentions. Parents speak harshly because they care; they judge because they do not want their child to go down the wrong path. However, from the child’s perspective, it feels different: they feel they are not trusted enough to share, and that confiding will only end with ‘You should have…’ instead of ‘We understand…’ Over time, the child learns that it is safer to keep everything to themselves.
The serious issue arises when this pattern carries into adulthood. A child accustomed to suppressing feelings for fear of judgement, who never felt heard, will grow into an individual who struggles to open up, even to those closest to them. The quality of family communication significantly affects a person’s ability to manage conflict and build relationships in adulthood. The worse news is that parents who lose access to communication with their children often do not realise that the void has long been filled by other things.
From an interpersonal communication perspective within the family context, families need to understand and apply several steps so that strained communication can gradually improve. First, instead of starting a conversation with a solution, begin with a sincere, open-ended question like ‘How are you feeling?’ rather than ‘You should have…’ This approach may help the child feel more understood. Second, validate emotions before making any judgement. Third, and perhaps the hardest, resist the urge to immediately fix things. Sometimes, a child just needs to be heard, not corrected. The goal of communication is not to make others agree with us, but to create mutual understanding.
Ultimately, rebuilding the trust of a child who has long withdrawn is not easy. It is a process that requires time and patience.