What's Up with Heartbreak? Between Poetry, the Beach, and Reality

Love and loss are two sides of the same coin in the human experience. In the context of early adulthood, typically between the ages of 18 and 30, forming romantic relationships is a crucial developmental task. Yet, reality often falls far short of the ‘happily ever after’ expectation. The greatest irony in this life phase is the massive psychological impact caused by a breakup, contrasted with the minimal literacy and proper support available to cope with it.

Research by Dunlop and colleagues (2020) from the University of California found that approximately 82 per cent of 4,381 adult participants admitted to having experienced heartbreak. This figure suggests that almost everyone will feel the pain of a broken heart at least once in their lifetime. In psychology, heartbreak is defined as a painful affective response to the end of a romantic relationship, typically accompanied by feelings of loss, loneliness, and deep longing. Ironically, despite this experience being so common, the solutions offered are often overly simplistic: ‘just be patient’, ‘you’ll forget eventually’, or ‘the important thing is self-love’.

The phenomenon of heartbreak is not new. Since the 2000s, films like Ada Apa dengan Cinta? (2002), its sequel Ada Apa dengan Cinta? 2 (2016), or Heart (2006) have addressed this theme with a sweet romantic flavour. The film Ada Apa dengan Cinta? offers more than just romance; it serves as a mirror for our collective memory of love and loss. However, unlike the film, which is full of poetic words and melancholic scenes such as when Cinta walks alone on Parangtritis Beach, the reality of heartbreak is often not that beautiful. Many experience insomnia, loss of appetite, acute anxiety, and even clinical depression. They do not receive adequate mental health guarantees or legal protection because this is not considered a ‘physical illness’.

This issue has intensified as discussions about mental health have proliferated on social media in the post-pandemic era. The demand to ‘recover quickly’ and ‘move on’ often pressures individuals who are grieving. As a result, many bury their feelings rather than be perceived as weak. This condition not only impacts the heartbroken individual but also has broad implications for work productivity, academic achievement, and overall social relationships.

Research by Ratnawati (2023) from Yogyakarta State University found a positive relationship between resilience and post-traumatic growth in early adults experiencing a breakup. This means the higher a person’s ability to adapt positively to adversity, the greater their chance to grow into a stronger individual after the event.

Unfortunately, access to professional help such as psychologists in Indonesia remains a major obstacle. The relatively high cost of counselling, which can reach Rp500,000 to Rp1,000,000 per session, coupled with the social stigma that ‘going to a psychologist means you are crazy’, leads many people to choose to suppress their feelings alone (Wardhani and colleagues, 2024). Consequently, emotional wounds that could actually be treated early are left to fester in silence. This is where culturally-based local approaches, such as counselling with religious figures or simply gathering with friends and family, often become the primary choice for Indonesian society because they are more affordable and align with deeply rooted values (Cristea and colleagues, 2025).

In the recovery process, society often gives advice that sounds positive but is actually psychologically unhelpful. First, the advice ‘just try to forget’. Scientifically, the human brain is not equipped with a delete button to instantly erase memories. Forcing oneself to forget often makes the memories even more entrenched. A better approach is reappraisal, which involves changing the meaning of the memory itself. For example, shifting from ‘I lost a perfect person’ to ‘I once had a beautiful relationship and now I am learning from it’. Second, the advice ‘the important thing is to stay busy’. Distraction can indeed provide temporary relief. However, if one only relies on busyness without ever processing the actual emotions, the heartache will merely be buried and has the potential to erupt later. Third, the advice ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’. Psychologically, this advice is unhelpful because losing a partner is not simply about losing one of many options. Every relationship has its own uniqueness, bond, and history. Fourth, the advice ‘focus on self-love first’. A more precise and proven effective concept is self-compassion, developed by Kristin Neff (2003). Self-compassion invites us to treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend who is sad.

The awareness to choose oneself after a degrading relationship is also depicted in the song ‘Bejeweled’ by Taylor Swift. The lyrics ‘Don’t put me in the basement when I want the penthouse of your heart’ serve as an affirmation that a person does not need to willingly be demeaned just to maintain a relationship. The song reminds us that true self-love is not merely about pampering oneself or being selfish, but rather the courage to realise that we deserve to be treated well and do not need to stay in a relationship that causes us to lose our self-worth.

The primary recommendation is to avoid toxic positivity. It is far better to acknowledge that ‘this is indeed hard and you have the right to be sad’ than to force a ‘don’t be sad, okay?’ attitude. Validating one’s own feelings is the first real step towards recovery. One fundamental thing that is often forgotten is listening to the voice of those who are heartbroken.