Understanding rude behavior in modern RI

Understanding rude behavior in modern RI

By John Phillips

YOGYAKARTA (JP): Here's a brain-teaser for you. A teenage boy
is sitting in a classroom while his teacher is lecturing him on
his misbehavior. The boy has averted his eyes and is sitting
quietly, but the teacher is growing angrier by the second
although the boy has not spoken. Why ?

Before answering, see if you can tell where the following is
taking place. A mob of people is crowding around a ticket window.
There is no visible queue, everyone is pushing forward. Several
people are attacking the "queue", thrusting their money forward,
and yelling at the ticket man. People are trampled underfoot.

If you guessed Indonesia, you would have been right. This is
an example of behavior that is considered rude in most cultures,
including Indonesia itself. But it is still typical in cities
here. And yet, Indonesians have a reputation for politeness and
courtesy. So we are faced with a mystery of social psychology.

Of course, it is a truism that polite behavior is culturally
specific. For example, putting one's hand on a child's head is
seen as an affectionate gesture in western countries, but in
Indonesia, it is considered rude. In some cultures, you show
appreciation of a meal by belching, while most cultures would
frown on such behavior. And there are many other such examples,
often related to sometimes unconscious body-language.

Thus, greeting, beckoning, saying goodbye, or handing
something to someone, are all actions governed by culturally
specific rules. When these rules are violated, these actions will
be considered impolite or even seriously insulting, and lead to
violence. In the States, seemingly innocent hand gestures may
result in unexpected "retribution" by outraged gang members. And
even among normal people, impatiently honking a horn can lead to
a Wild-West shoot-out.

But, this kind of behavior is not exclusively western. Even
here minor traffic disputes have resulted in murder. We seem
unable to control ourselves when we feel insulted.

Many people are surprised by rude behavior in modern
Indonesian society, because Indonesian culture has a well-
developed, intricate system of speech and behavior which evolved
to give expression to the very high value placed on politeness
and "civility". Some might imagine this system would fend off
such developments, or that rude behavior would be confined to
fringe elements in society.

We feel that rudeness here is less acceptable than in other,
more open and less controlled societies. And yet, if you live
here, the widespread development of rudeness is apparent in in-
your-face, that's my space, non-queuing attitudes, in anything-
goes road manners, dogmatic lecturing of social inferiors, and
sotto-voce lewdness. The question is: Why is society becoming
less "civil" ?

What is happening to the traditional Indonesian mentality ?
The mentality where public face preserved peace among ethnically
diverse and spatially concentrated peoples ? The answer is
largely nothing -- in fact, if the average rude person were
personally acquainted with his or her victim, this behavior would
rarely happen, and the common impression that Indonesians are
very "polite" people would prevail.

The one thing that all the behavior mentioned above has in
common is the real or imagined anonymity of the perpetrator, and
it is no coincidence that anonymity is one of the features of a
"modern" society. In a car, on a crowded urban street, or in the
presence of foreigners whom we assume do not understand us, we
feel anonymous and so, we may act in certain ways which we would
never consider doing if we were in our village.

After all, few people are in the habit of insulting family
members or neighbors for no reason. Some say that this anonymity
is positive as it results in an increase in privacy and self-
determination. Others see it negatively, as part of the cult of
individualism, which holds that personal effort is all, and need
not defer to the group.

Indonesia developed rules of politeness for the same reason
that modern society must devise new rules -- the concentration of
many diverse people in relative close proximity. As the world
becomes globalized, the pressure to control our own behavior and
to accept the behavior of others is growing.

Modern society has not done a very good job of doing this so
far. As a result, we are all in danger of becoming entirely too
judgmental, intolerant, and prejudiced against those who are
different. On the other hand, "turning the other cheek" is
difficult as politeness is grounded in our feelings about the
proper way to show respect for one another. And these feelings
can be extremely strong.

This then is the answer to our opening brain-teaser. It
happened in the U.S., the boy was Asian, and I was the teacher.
In the West, when someone is talking seriously to you, it is
important to show that you are paying attention by looking
directly at them. Looking away is disrespectful and shows you are
not listening and do not care about what is being said.

At the same time, the behavior by the Asian teenager was
entirely consistent with his expectations of appropriate behavior
in Asia. Although intellectually I knew that the boy was behaving
properly, emotionally I felt that he was being extremely rude.
Not surprisingly, my emotions were winning. But, since I knew
about Asian rules of behavior, I was confused about his true
intent, and I let him go, so I could sort the matter out. I am
still sorting, because I still don't know.

But, one thing I do know is that because our emotions are
often much stronger than our intellect, it is better to diffuse a
situation like this than to act too hastily.

So, like the poet, E. E. Cummings wrote: "Since feeling is
first, who pays attention to the syntax of things will never
wholly kiss you", I would suggest that when it comes to being
"polite" and understanding the behaviors of others in the best
possible light, it is better to pay less attention to the syntax
or "correctness" of others' behavior, and more attention to the
syntax of our own actions. That way we don't run the risk of a
punch in the "kisser".

The writer is an independent education consultant living in
Yogyakarta.