Understanding rude behavior in modern RI

Understanding rude behavior in modern RI

By John Phillips

YOGYAKARTA (JP): Here's a brain-teaser for you. A teenage boy is sitting in a classroom while his teacher is lecturing him on his misbehavior. The boy has averted his eyes and is sitting quietly, but the teacher is growing angrier by the second although the boy has not spoken. Why ?

Before answering, see if you can tell where the following is taking place. A mob of people is crowding around a ticket window. There is no visible queue, everyone is pushing forward. Several people are attacking the "queue", thrusting their money forward, and yelling at the ticket man. People are trampled underfoot.

If you guessed Indonesia, you would have been right. This is an example of behavior that is considered rude in most cultures, including Indonesia itself. But it is still typical in cities here. And yet, Indonesians have a reputation for politeness and courtesy. So we are faced with a mystery of social psychology.

Of course, it is a truism that polite behavior is culturally specific. For example, putting one's hand on a child's head is seen as an affectionate gesture in western countries, but in Indonesia, it is considered rude. In some cultures, you show appreciation of a meal by belching, while most cultures would frown on such behavior. And there are many other such examples, often related to sometimes unconscious body-language.

Thus, greeting, beckoning, saying goodbye, or handing something to someone, are all actions governed by culturally specific rules. When these rules are violated, these actions will be considered impolite or even seriously insulting, and lead to violence. In the States, seemingly innocent hand gestures may result in unexpected "retribution" by outraged gang members. And even among normal people, impatiently honking a horn can lead to a Wild-West shoot-out.

But, this kind of behavior is not exclusively western. Even here minor traffic disputes have resulted in murder. We seem unable to control ourselves when we feel insulted.

Many people are surprised by rude behavior in modern Indonesian society, because Indonesian culture has a well- developed, intricate system of speech and behavior which evolved to give expression to the very high value placed on politeness and "civility". Some might imagine this system would fend off such developments, or that rude behavior would be confined to fringe elements in society.

We feel that rudeness here is less acceptable than in other, more open and less controlled societies. And yet, if you live here, the widespread development of rudeness is apparent in in- your-face, that's my space, non-queuing attitudes, in anything- goes road manners, dogmatic lecturing of social inferiors, and sotto-voce lewdness. The question is: Why is society becoming less "civil" ?

What is happening to the traditional Indonesian mentality ? The mentality where public face preserved peace among ethnically diverse and spatially concentrated peoples ? The answer is largely nothing -- in fact, if the average rude person were personally acquainted with his or her victim, this behavior would rarely happen, and the common impression that Indonesians are very "polite" people would prevail.

The one thing that all the behavior mentioned above has in common is the real or imagined anonymity of the perpetrator, and it is no coincidence that anonymity is one of the features of a "modern" society. In a car, on a crowded urban street, or in the presence of foreigners whom we assume do not understand us, we feel anonymous and so, we may act in certain ways which we would never consider doing if we were in our village.

After all, few people are in the habit of insulting family members or neighbors for no reason. Some say that this anonymity is positive as it results in an increase in privacy and self- determination. Others see it negatively, as part of the cult of individualism, which holds that personal effort is all, and need not defer to the group.

Indonesia developed rules of politeness for the same reason that modern society must devise new rules -- the concentration of many diverse people in relative close proximity. As the world becomes globalized, the pressure to control our own behavior and to accept the behavior of others is growing.

Modern society has not done a very good job of doing this so far. As a result, we are all in danger of becoming entirely too judgmental, intolerant, and prejudiced against those who are different. On the other hand, "turning the other cheek" is difficult as politeness is grounded in our feelings about the proper way to show respect for one another. And these feelings can be extremely strong.

This then is the answer to our opening brain-teaser. It happened in the U.S., the boy was Asian, and I was the teacher. In the West, when someone is talking seriously to you, it is important to show that you are paying attention by looking directly at them. Looking away is disrespectful and shows you are not listening and do not care about what is being said.

At the same time, the behavior by the Asian teenager was entirely consistent with his expectations of appropriate behavior in Asia. Although intellectually I knew that the boy was behaving properly, emotionally I felt that he was being extremely rude. Not surprisingly, my emotions were winning. But, since I knew about Asian rules of behavior, I was confused about his true intent, and I let him go, so I could sort the matter out. I am still sorting, because I still don't know.

But, one thing I do know is that because our emotions are often much stronger than our intellect, it is better to diffuse a situation like this than to act too hastily.

So, like the poet, E. E. Cummings wrote: "Since feeling is first, who pays attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you", I would suggest that when it comes to being "polite" and understanding the behaviors of others in the best possible light, it is better to pay less attention to the syntax or "correctness" of others' behavior, and more attention to the syntax of our own actions. That way we don't run the risk of a punch in the "kisser".

The writer is an independent education consultant living in Yogyakarta.