Tips to staying at hotels over the New Year

Tips to staying at hotels over the New Year

By E. Effendi

Unless you are someone whose calendar is based on the
migration of birds flying South, I think you may have already
noticed by now that we will be celebrating three big events
coming at us. They are Moe, Larry, and Curly.

No, sorry. Wrong trio. I mean Christmas (Dec. 25), New Year's
Day (Jan. 1), and Idul Fitri (Jan. 8 and Jan. 9).

For many of you who will go on vacation in other cities, or
even countries, and spend your vacation nights at hotels, let me
give you this hotel tip no. 1: Bring your painkillers with you.
Because you will need them to reduce the cramp in your legs,
resulting from sleeping in your car every night, looking for a
vacant hotel room.

Hotels will be fully booked on those three weekends. This
happens because apparently every child in the world is using
their greatest strength against their parents -- wetting the bed
-- to persuade them to go on vacation. That means the parents
have to drive for hours to find a place to sleep. Then they have
to sell one of their children to pay for the room (hotel tip no.
2), because the peak-season rate is very expensive.

The other reason that hotels are so full is that they hold
many holiday-related events, where you can throw up on the finest
hotel carpet and sing unrhymed songs that annoy other hotel
guests. Hotel managements know that those people will be to drunk
to drive home and have to spend the night.

Considering the number of tourist that will need a hotel room
(972,588,399.95) and the number of hotel rooms available (four),
it would be very wise, therefore, to make a reservation first
(hotel tip no. 3).

By having a reservation, you do not have to worry about
searching for a place to stay; you can calmly walk up to the
hotel receptionist who will welcome you in a friendly way and
say, "We do not have your name here." Please remember that the
reservation clerk didn't know your name before, so when you give
your name to reception, there is a chance that they will misspell
it.

However, if you are willing to spell your name patiently,
letter-by-letter, the receptionist will probably misspell it
anyway, especially if your name lacks vowels ("Who is this? Mrs.
Chryzthyn?"), which you probably have because your parents were
"there" in the "sixties" when they named you, with their flower
generation and their acid trips.

Happily, however, hotel managements have overcome this problem
by making reservations available via the Internet, where you can
make your reservation online and type in your own name correctly,
while at the same time have hackers from all over the world use
your credit card number.

When you are away from your home, the hotel of your choice is
like your second home. You can sleep there, eat there, scratch
yourself there and listen to the neighbor's loudness there. In
fact, it is better than your own home because there is more
liquor in the refrigerator. But, remember, they will charge you
for everything that you take from that room, including the air
that you breathe (hotel tip no. 4: Bring your own air). Then they
will add several charges based on your type of room, your body
temperature, how many shoes that you bring and other factors that
can make a bottle of soda cost Rp 55,000.

Other advantages of staying at a hotel, compared to your own
home, are that you will have a clean bathroom, security, warm
bed, privacy, in-room movies and, most important, room service.
You can order different kinds of meals and wait expectantly for
them to be delivered to your room. And while you wait, you can
sell your other children to pay for the meals and the room
service charge (hotel tip no. 5).

Therefore, hotel tip no. 6 is: You should bring as many kids
as you can. They don't have to be your children, you can bring
any of your neighbor's children who are whining all day about
going on a vacation, I'm sure that their parents won't mind.

I am not trying to imply that you should not stay at a hotel,
because that could make the hotel people file legal charges
against me. I must say that the service that you get there is
worth all the money that you spend. Hotel managements put
hundreds of personnel at your disposal, to help you in anything
that you do, from opening the lobby door to tuning into the TV's
dirty channel. And, don't forget to tip them all, or even another
guest (or Mrs. Chryzthyn), who holds the elevator door for you
(hotel tip no. 7: wait for the next elevator).

In sum, I want to say that staying at hotels is so convenient
when you are vacationing, especially when you run out of
painkillers, that you will not regret paying the hotel bills, as
long as you have enough children to sell.