Parents-teenagers relationship have changed

Parents-teenagers relationship have changed

JAKARTA (JP): The relationship between parents and teenagers
has changed. A few decades ago, teenagers would do whatever their
parents told them to do. A parent's words and wishes were
considered final, few kids bothered to rebel.

Although today's teenagers still respect their parents, they
have more freedom to express themselves and make their own
decisions. Compared to teenagers in the 1970s an 1980s, today's
young people are seen to be more expressive, creative and
critical as well as being more consumptive and spoiled.

The Jakarta Post recently interviewed mothers and fathers
from lower and middle-upper groups on how they see and treat
their teenage children. Some school counselors also give their
view.

Enny Syahrizal, mother of six, including two pre-teens,
believes that parents should be more open with their children to
prevent the kids from confiding in other people.

"Our children could get the wrong information," Enny said.

Both Enny and her husband try to be a part of their children's
lives by becoming their close friends and by speaking their
language.

"I was very surprised when my 12 year old son told me that he
had fallen in love with a girl at school. At first, I thought it
was very funny but soon I realized that my boy trusted me. It
felt really good and I was lucky," she said.

Her children always tell her their problems and they attempt
to solve them together.

"I don't think I will face serious problems dealing with my
offspring as long as I understand their needs," she concluded.

Imas S., a mother of three teenagers, noted that children are
now very critical towards their parents.

Imas said she asked her daughter to change out of her rap
clothes -- extra-large apparel usually worn by rap singers -- to
go to a party. Her daughter answered, "Mama, don't be old-
fashioned. This is our uniform. I don't want to go to the party
without wearing my clothes."

Forget about the Cinderella gowns or the favorite frilly
feminine outfits Indonesian mothers love to inflict on their
daughters. They will lock them up in their wardrobes, Imas
assured.

Asked whether she allows her children to buy expensive and
brand-name items, Imas said only on birthdays or Idul Fitri would
she and her husband allow it.

What worries her the most is the influence of friends,
television and movies. To gain control of her children, she often
"tidies" up their bedrooms to see if she can find any porn books,
magazines or videos. She is worried that her children will hide
readily available illegal drugs like BK pills which are downers.

"Every time I tidy up their bedrooms I also snoop into their
diaries. By peeping into their diaries, I learn about my kids'
happiness, sadness and disappointments," Imas said.

Mustakin, a taxi driver with a 15 year old son.

"I consult his teacher twice a week. I'm very worried about
how his friends affect him. I've heard of students taking BK
pills and that those who refuse are intimidated."

"But his teacher said I have nothing to worry about because he
is a good boy and is doing well in class. He hardly asks for
anything until his mother notices holes in his shoes or shirts.
He just makes do with his pocket money of Rp 500, which includes
the transport fares."

"My boy doesn't hang out at malls, there aren't any in
Ciracas, just an empty field. Sometimes his best friend takes him
to a Padang restaurant or to a movie."

Yudo Hery Setyawan, a counselor at the Al-Ikhlas private
Moslem junior high school in Cipete, South Jakarta.

He says pre-teens lack confidence so they form large groups to
ignore their loneliness. Some will tell their drivers to pick
them up an hour or two after school because there is no one at
home to talk to.

They are sometimes like robots, he said.

Once a 15-year-old boy waited until 7 p.m. after his afternoon
basketball practice for his driver to pick him up. Setyawan
managed to coax him to venture home by himself to Cinere, South
Jakarta, by bus.

"The boys refuse to go across the street to photocopy
something near the shops here. They say they are afraid of being
hassled by other students."

"They do not understand the value of things. Their parents
lavish money on them. Once we made all everyone wearing Doc
Martins to take their boots off until they went home. We said the
boots went against school regulations because they are higher
than the ankle."

Setyawan adds that the children also attend concerts, like the
recent Roxette show, and buy the tickets with money from their
parents.

"I haven't heard of anyone saving up for a ticket. They get
the most expensive tickets. Their problem is not the price, but
whether their parents will let them stay out late."

Nelson, a counselor at a state SMP 68 in South Jakarta.

"Our students are responsible for managing their own pocket
money, which ranges from Rp 500 to Rp 5,000. The rich children
don't flash their wealth around, I know they only go to the mall
when their parents take them there."

"New students are only allowed to wear Bata shoes. Most eat
lunch at the nearby Golden Truly supermarket. Our students don't
look as if they envy the neighboring rich school. I don't know if
they have expensive birthday parties outside school."

"Our main problem is not how they spend their money, but the
relations between students, puppy-love and things like that," he
concluded. (anr/raw)