Parents-teenagers relationship have changed

Parents-teenagers relationship have changed

JAKARTA (JP): The relationship between parents and teenagers has changed. A few decades ago, teenagers would do whatever their parents told them to do. A parent's words and wishes were considered final, few kids bothered to rebel.

Although today's teenagers still respect their parents, they have more freedom to express themselves and make their own decisions. Compared to teenagers in the 1970s an 1980s, today's young people are seen to be more expressive, creative and critical as well as being more consumptive and spoiled.

The Jakarta Post recently interviewed mothers and fathers from lower and middle-upper groups on how they see and treat their teenage children. Some school counselors also give their view.

Enny Syahrizal, mother of six, including two pre-teens, believes that parents should be more open with their children to prevent the kids from confiding in other people.

"Our children could get the wrong information," Enny said.

Both Enny and her husband try to be a part of their children's lives by becoming their close friends and by speaking their language.

"I was very surprised when my 12 year old son told me that he had fallen in love with a girl at school. At first, I thought it was very funny but soon I realized that my boy trusted me. It felt really good and I was lucky," she said.

Her children always tell her their problems and they attempt to solve them together.

"I don't think I will face serious problems dealing with my offspring as long as I understand their needs," she concluded.

Imas S., a mother of three teenagers, noted that children are now very critical towards their parents.

Imas said she asked her daughter to change out of her rap clothes -- extra-large apparel usually worn by rap singers -- to go to a party. Her daughter answered, "Mama, don't be old- fashioned. This is our uniform. I don't want to go to the party without wearing my clothes."

Forget about the Cinderella gowns or the favorite frilly feminine outfits Indonesian mothers love to inflict on their daughters. They will lock them up in their wardrobes, Imas assured.

Asked whether she allows her children to buy expensive and brand-name items, Imas said only on birthdays or Idul Fitri would she and her husband allow it.

What worries her the most is the influence of friends, television and movies. To gain control of her children, she often "tidies" up their bedrooms to see if she can find any porn books, magazines or videos. She is worried that her children will hide readily available illegal drugs like BK pills which are downers.

"Every time I tidy up their bedrooms I also snoop into their diaries. By peeping into their diaries, I learn about my kids' happiness, sadness and disappointments," Imas said.

Mustakin, a taxi driver with a 15 year old son.

"I consult his teacher twice a week. I'm very worried about how his friends affect him. I've heard of students taking BK pills and that those who refuse are intimidated."

"But his teacher said I have nothing to worry about because he is a good boy and is doing well in class. He hardly asks for anything until his mother notices holes in his shoes or shirts. He just makes do with his pocket money of Rp 500, which includes the transport fares."

"My boy doesn't hang out at malls, there aren't any in Ciracas, just an empty field. Sometimes his best friend takes him to a Padang restaurant or to a movie."

Yudo Hery Setyawan, a counselor at the Al-Ikhlas private Moslem junior high school in Cipete, South Jakarta.

He says pre-teens lack confidence so they form large groups to ignore their loneliness. Some will tell their drivers to pick them up an hour or two after school because there is no one at home to talk to.

They are sometimes like robots, he said.

Once a 15-year-old boy waited until 7 p.m. after his afternoon basketball practice for his driver to pick him up. Setyawan managed to coax him to venture home by himself to Cinere, South Jakarta, by bus.

"The boys refuse to go across the street to photocopy something near the shops here. They say they are afraid of being hassled by other students."

"They do not understand the value of things. Their parents lavish money on them. Once we made all everyone wearing Doc Martins to take their boots off until they went home. We said the boots went against school regulations because they are higher than the ankle."

Setyawan adds that the children also attend concerts, like the recent Roxette show, and buy the tickets with money from their parents.

"I haven't heard of anyone saving up for a ticket. They get the most expensive tickets. Their problem is not the price, but whether their parents will let them stay out late."

Nelson, a counselor at a state SMP 68 in South Jakarta.

"Our students are responsible for managing their own pocket money, which ranges from Rp 500 to Rp 5,000. The rich children don't flash their wealth around, I know they only go to the mall when their parents take them there."

"New students are only allowed to wear Bata shoes. Most eat lunch at the nearby Golden Truly supermarket. Our students don't look as if they envy the neighboring rich school. I don't know if they have expensive birthday parties outside school."

"Our main problem is not how they spend their money, but the relations between students, puppy-love and things like that," he concluded. (anr/raw)