Parents face problems in explaining what rape is
By Djoewerian Poorwo Soedarmo
JAKARTA (JP): Rape. A word that makes one shudder. Rape cases are so frequently published in the papers nowadays that it leaves us scared and highly cautious. In horror we keep wondering, what if it happens to our beloved teenage daughters or the younger ones and in exceptional cases even to our little sons?
Small elementary school children, encouraged to keep up with current events, might easily come across a detailed description of what rape is like. Reading the newspapers, they might read of a young woman stripped of her clothes, her body full of bruises, her underwear drenched in blood, lying dead in the bushes after being gang-raped in some isolated place.
Pure curiosity will push a child to ask Mom what rape is. It must be something very, very bad; that much they can conclude on their own. What's the best explanation? Where do we begin? By telling them to stop reading? That the news is only for grown- ups? You hope they'll forget all about it, so why bother? I'm sorry to admit that even though I've raised nine children who now have children of their own, I still don't know how to respond to a seven year old's query on rape.
Although on principle I always tell a child the truth about something, it's different with rape. Suppose I did tell a seven- year-old girl the naked truth. She'd undoubtedly get puzzled and scared, not believing what she'd just been told. She's seen her rabbits do "it", but the female wasn't killed. She even got pregnant and it was so exciting to see her little babies being born. The notion that human beings do the same thing as her rabbits, that's beyond her comprehension. And why kill the girl? No, it's not good to tell her the truth.
Forget it! What we can do is teach her how to avoid the possibility of getting abducted and sexually abused. Just as is the case with illness, prevention is the best cure.
Given her very young age, perhaps the best way would be to convince her that a rapist is a man or sometimes a woman who might look very nice and kindly, but is actually cruel and ready to hurt her when she's alone with him or her. See to it that your child is never alone, but if for some unforeseeable reason she finds herself without company, teach her not to panic. Never speak to a stranger and go away if spoken to. Never accept an offer from a stranger to drive her home. The same rule applies to strangers offering a fancy toy or a bar of chocolate. Tell her that this kindliness might lead to abduction. Ask a police officer for help, if available. If not, she can approach a man or woman with children who will be able to help her. Teach your child how to use public telephones and don't forget to provide her with the necessary coins. In this modern world one is never too young to learn how to use such modern conveniences.
If one day she happens to wait in vain for her nurse or servant to take her home after school, forbid her from venturing home alone. Notify her teacher to take care of her. Furthermore, teach your children, especially girls, to respect their bodies. It's a gift from The Almighty, and they ought to take good care of themselves. They must never allow themselves to walk around naked. Even after taking a bath they ought to cover themselves as soon as possible. They must never allow themselves to be touched by some man or boy against their will. If she goes to school by car or taxi, somebody reliable should be with her to secure her safety. As for parents, although you must be continually on the alert, you must learn the art of not openly showing your suspicion of your children's company. If you fail, the chances are that good-natured, normal and decent friends could get hurt and insulted by your hostile attitude. Your children might get upset and decide to join their friends elsewhere.
On the other hand, it's of great importance that your chil dren, especially your little daughters, love and trust you so much that they won't hesitate to complain to you if they've been fondled or kissed forcibly by an adult. If your relationship is strong, your daughter won't be afraid to tell you and you can take measures to protect her from further molestation.
If your relationship with your daughter is not that good, her silence could lead to suffering. The sufferings might get worse if the molester has threatened to hurt her again if anyone learns of what has been done to her. Therefore, once again, a mother must always be on the alert. If she notices that her little one has a tendency to turn quiet and look frightened, a parent ought to be suspicious. Speak to the child and try to find out what's bothering her. Examine her body carefully and consult the family doctor. If it is proven that sexual abuse has taken place, report it to the police.
A way of life worth discussing is that of the working mother. Nowadays a great deal of young mothers take office work for different reasons. It might be to make ends meet, or she may think it a shame to stay at home while she's in possession of a worthy diploma. She's worked hard for it and now, in marriage, why hide it? In this case she must wisely appoint someone reliable to see to her young children's welfare. She must be sure that the woman is good at her work and that the children like her. If it turns out to be a failure and the children feel neglected and unhappy during their mother's absence, they might be easily attracted to the kindness and attention of someone outside their home who might have bad intentions. All these suggestions might sound very unpleasant, but we must recognize them for the good of our young, helpless children.