Parents face problems in explaining what rape is

Parents face problems in explaining what rape is

By Djoewerian Poorwo Soedarmo

JAKARTA (JP): Rape. A word that makes one shudder. Rape cases
are so frequently published in the papers nowadays that it leaves
us scared and highly cautious. In horror we keep wondering, what
if it happens to our beloved teenage daughters or the younger
ones and in exceptional cases even to our little sons?

Small elementary school children, encouraged to keep up with
current events, might easily come across a detailed description
of what rape is like. Reading the newspapers, they might read of
a young woman stripped of her clothes, her body full of bruises,
her underwear drenched in blood, lying dead in the bushes after
being gang-raped in some isolated place.

Pure curiosity will push a child to ask Mom what rape is. It
must be something very, very bad; that much they can conclude on
their own. What's the best explanation? Where do we begin? By
telling them to stop reading? That the news is only for grown-
ups? You hope they'll forget all about it, so why bother? I'm
sorry to admit that even though I've raised nine children who now
have children of their own, I still don't know how to respond to
a seven year old's query on rape.

Although on principle I always tell a child the truth about
something, it's different with rape. Suppose I did tell a seven-
year-old girl the naked truth. She'd undoubtedly get puzzled and
scared, not believing what she'd just been told. She's seen her
rabbits do "it", but the female wasn't killed. She even got
pregnant and it was so exciting to see her little babies being
born. The notion that human beings do the same thing as her
rabbits, that's beyond her comprehension. And why kill the girl?
No, it's not good to tell her the truth.

Forget it! What we can do is teach her how to avoid the
possibility of getting abducted and sexually abused. Just as is
the case with illness, prevention is the best cure.

Given her very young age, perhaps the best way would be to
convince her that a rapist is a man or sometimes a woman who
might look very nice and kindly, but is actually cruel and ready
to hurt her when she's alone with him or her. See to it that your
child is never alone, but if for some unforeseeable reason she
finds herself without company, teach her not to panic. Never
speak to a stranger and go away if spoken to. Never accept an
offer from a stranger to drive her home. The same rule applies to
strangers offering a fancy toy or a bar of chocolate. Tell her
that this kindliness might lead to abduction. Ask a police
officer for help, if available. If not, she can approach a man or
woman with children who will be able to help her. Teach your
child how to use public telephones and don't forget to provide
her with the necessary coins. In this modern world one is never
too young to learn how to use such modern conveniences.

If one day she happens to wait in vain for her nurse or
servant to take her home after school, forbid her from venturing
home alone. Notify her teacher to take care of her. Furthermore,
teach your children, especially girls, to respect their bodies.
It's a gift from The Almighty, and they ought to take good care
of themselves. They must never allow themselves to walk around
naked. Even after taking a bath they ought to cover themselves as
soon as possible. They must never allow themselves to be touched
by some man or boy against their will. If she goes to school by
car or taxi, somebody reliable should be with her to secure her
safety. As for parents, although you must be continually on the
alert, you must learn the art of not openly showing your
suspicion of your children's company. If you fail, the chances
are that good-natured, normal and decent friends could get hurt
and insulted by your hostile attitude. Your children might get
upset and decide to join their friends elsewhere.

On the other hand, it's of great importance that your chil
dren, especially your little daughters, love and trust you so
much that they won't hesitate to complain to you if they've been
fondled or kissed forcibly by an adult. If your relationship is
strong, your daughter won't be afraid to tell you and you can
take measures to protect her from further molestation.

If your relationship with your daughter is not that good, her
silence could lead to suffering. The sufferings might get worse
if the molester has threatened to hurt her again if anyone learns
of what has been done to her. Therefore, once again, a mother
must always be on the alert. If she notices that her little one
has a tendency to turn quiet and look frightened, a parent ought
to be suspicious. Speak to the child and try to find out what's
bothering her. Examine her body carefully and consult the family
doctor. If it is proven that sexual abuse has taken place, report
it to the police.

A way of life worth discussing is that of the working mother.
Nowadays a great deal of young mothers take office work for
different reasons. It might be to make ends meet, or she may
think it a shame to stay at home while she's in possession of a
worthy diploma. She's worked hard for it and now, in marriage,
why hide it? In this case she must wisely appoint someone
reliable to see to her young children's welfare. She must be sure
that the woman is good at her work and that the children like
her. If it turns out to be a failure and the children feel
neglected and unhappy during their mother's absence, they might
be easily attracted to the kindness and attention of someone
outside their home who might have bad intentions. All these
suggestions might sound very unpleasant, but we must recognize
them for the good of our young, helpless children.