Often Mistaken for Affection, Recognise the Patterns of Covert Manipulation in Relationships

A recent case involving the false imprisonment of a 28-year-old woman by her boyfriend in Bandung has highlighted that violence in relationships does not always leave physical scars. Beneath a seemingly ordinary relationship, a person can experience continuous control, manipulation, and intimidation until they lose their personal freedom.

This pattern of controlling a partner is known in psychology as coercive control. The Head of the Centre for Gender and Child Studies at IPB University, Dr Yulina Eva Riany, explained that coercive control is a pattern of manipulative behaviour, intimidation, and threats that causes the victim to gradually lose their freedom, sense of security, self-confidence, and ability to make decisions.

“What needs to be recognised is not just a single incident, but a pattern of relationships that continuously erodes the victim’s autonomy,” Dr Yulina said in a written statement.

She explained that coercive control can manifest in various forms, including isolating the victim from family and friends, controlling their communication and social media, restricting their activities, and unilaterally managing finances, as well as gaslighting that makes the victim doubt their own memory and judgement.

Because it occurs gradually, such behaviour is often misinterpreted as a form of attention or affection. In reality, coercive control is extremely dangerous. Dr Yulina noted that victims often find it difficult to leave a relationship containing coercive control. This is influenced by various factors such as emotional dependency, economic pressure, concerns about children, threats from the perpetrator, and a lack of social support.

“So it is not appropriate to ask ‘why doesn’t the victim just leave?’ The question should be ‘what factors make it difficult for the victim to leave?’” she said.

Psychologically, this condition is explained through attachment theory, the phenomenon of trauma bonding, and learned helplessness. Victims can form a strong emotional bond with the perpetrator due to a cycle of violence interspersed with apologies and promises to change.