Lesbians find ways to make peace with their sexuality

Dewi Santoso, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

Oscar Wilde, himself imprisoned for a scandalous relationship with another man, once said that the only sin one would have committed was to have lived against one's nature.

The words strike at the conscience of "Sarah", a 29-year-old young executive, for she has been denying her feelings for almost 15 years.

"I used to deny to myself that a lesbian. It took me 15 years before I finally was able to make peace with myself and say 'yes, I am a lesbian and there's nothing wrong with it'," she said.

The 29 year old knew that she was different from other girls when she was in elementary school. Of course, she did not know what the word lesbian meant; all she knew was that she was drawn to her female peers in unusual ways..

"I was scared, of course. I thought I was not 'normal'. I didn't know what to do. I knew, though, that I shouldn't be telling anybody, including my parents, about what I feel as otherwise I would be considered a freak."

For the next 10 years, with her attraction to girls growing stronger, Sarah had to struggle alone with her feelings. Like many lesbians in patriarchal Indonesian society, she felt alone and confused, in what she terms "the darkest and most painful period in my life".

But when she entered college, she took a daring step to tell close friends, whom she had known since high school, about who she really was.

"It was not an easy decision, but I felt that I had to tell them because to me, the worst sin I would've committed was to live a life full of lies, and I didn't want that kind of life," Sarah said in a wavering voice. "I want a life where I can be honest to my close friends and my loved ones.

"I want a life where I know that I'm loved regardless of who I am or what I do. That's what gave me the guts to tell them about me."

To her surprise, her friends responded well to her story.

Yet she did not feel entirely comfortable with herself, feeling alone because "none of my friends really understood what I felt since they were not lesbians".

Destiny brought her to meet a classmate at college who introduced her to other friends who "are just like me".

She was 25 when she was finally able to come to terms with her sexuality and feel comfortable with it. It was also the time she began her first serious relationship with another women.

"I finally discovered that being a lesbian doesn't make me 'abnormal'. I'm just as normal as straight people are. I just happen to love someone whose gender is the same as mine, and it's not a sin as I do not harm others," she said.

Her feelings of alienation, and the pressure to conform in a society where women's sexuality still receives little attention, are common among lesbians.

Wina, a 37-year-old manager at a private firm, also experience deep soul-searching, asking herself: "Is this for real? If it is, what will happen next?"

Although she did not experience the intense self-doubt that plagued Sarah, Wina, who discovered that she was interested in girls at the age of 14, tried to have relationships with men.

"But I just couldn't. And that's when I was sure that I was a lesbian," said the oldest of two siblings.

A psychologist from the University of Indonesia, Tri "Dani" Iswardani, said that lesbians had to struggle to make peace with their sexuality amid society's condemnation.

Although gay men and lesbians face similar societal stigma, their respective experiences are very different.

"Lesbians are not as open as gay men because as women, they are forced to follow the pattern that society wants them to be, which is a good mother and housewife. That's why they have to hide their feelings and that's what makes it harder for them to make peace with themselves," said Dani.

Although most Indonesians disapprove of homosexuality, and find lesbianism hard to fathom except in the cliched story of a woman mistreated by men who turns to women, Dani advocates a tolerant attitude.

"Who are we to judge others? I'm sure if they could choose, they wouldn't choose to be lesbians. So, just let them be as long as they do not harm other people."

That is exactly the message that Wina wants other people to know, and the reason she and three friends established Swara Srikandi on Aug. 30, 2000.

The organization aims at creating a more accepting atmosphere for lesbians in the country by empowering the community and building a positive image.

With 28 members, the organization's activities include publishing a monthly internal bulletin LeSwara and holding monthly members' gathering.

"We only want them to know that they're not alone," Wina said of the group's objectives for the future. "We want them to know that being lesbians won't bar them from having a successful career and life.

"But first, they will have to be able to come to terms with their sexuality and love themselves, as only then will they be able to exist and prove the society that they -- we -- can contribute positive things to them.

"And hopefully society will no longer have a negative image toward us and will let us be."