Is society condoning extramarital affairs?

By Tuti Gintini

JAKARTA (JP): Extramarital affairs seem to occur every day and everywhere, involving celebrities, business people, housewives, government officials and even heads of state. Gossip about such affairs frequently appears in the print and electronic media.

Lula Kamal has often been rumored to have had an affair with a businessman. Bella Saphira is in the same boat. A businessman's wife reportedly scratched her face at a cafe in South Jakarta, accusing Bella of having taken away her husband.

As an artist, Lula Kamal admitted that there were men who tried to get close to her. She also admitted that she had once fallen in love with a married man.

"I listened to my conscience, though, and stopped this relationship because I was sure it would never benefit me," she said.

For Lula, this experience was her first and last. "I'm very careful now. If I like a man, who happens to be have married, I will quickly try to deal with my feelings. It's only a waste of time building a relationship with a man without knowing where it will take you," she said.

In real life, it may happen that both husbands and wives have their own affairs. It is not surprising, therefore, to find a lot of Indonesian and Hollywood films exploring this theme. Fatal Attraction (1987), is one example. Starring Glen Close and Michael Douglas, the film shows how a family disintegrates because the husband (Douglas) has an affair with another woman (Close). Falling in Love (1984) is another example. Meryl Streep and Robert de Niro, both married, work at different offices. Commuting to and from their offices on the same tram every day leads to them to falling in love. This is what society is like. In New York or in Jakarta, it is just the same.

The office, in fact, is a place most conducive to the development of an affair. But if an affair grows and develops in the same office, experience shows that it is almost always the case that one side is the loser. In this respect, it is usually the woman who has to make a substantial sacrifice: moving to another office. Remember the Clinton affair, in which Lewinsky had to be "banished" far from the White House.

According to Yati Utoyo Lubis, a psychologist, there is nothing wrong with admiring someone of a different sex and having him/her as a friend to talk to from the heart. You must be aware, however, when this relationship gives a red signal, an indication that it is no longer just a relationship between friends. It is a red alert, says Yati Utoyo, if you begin to frequently think about him/her, have a deep longing for him/her or even imagine having an affair with the person. You must also be watchful if you begin to think that you are nothing without them or if you begin to compare him/her to your own partner and regret your commitment with your own partner.

Meanwhile, Debra Yatim, an activist, said in a recent seminar on extramarital affairs that in a society undergoing rapid changes in the social, economic and other sectors, families are uprooted from their homes and communities and people will find themselves increasingly further away from their traditional values. It is just like hoping for a miracle, therefore, to expect that in such a situation love can continue to constantly grow.

It is often the case, said Debra, that a husband and wife try hard to keep their love aflame but fail because of the fast changes in society. As urbanites, we have grown into people of great complexity and varied needs and aspirations.

Quoting the results of research conducted by Michael Gurevitch of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, she said that in a span of 100 days, an urban individual made contact with some 500 people. Research on social psychology by Stanley Milligan has even come up with the finding that owing to modern communications in urban life, a person can have an average of 2,500 acquaintances.

"On the one hand, there is a chance of making many acquaintances and, on the other, our own partner cannot meet all our needs, so why must an affair come as a surprise?," she queried.

Yati Utoyo tried to describe, from a psychological viewpoint, the types of people who have a lover or have an affair. First there is the coveter's type. They have a lover simply to prove that they can get another lover. Then we have the savior's type. They feel needed by the lover because the lover's partner fails to give her what she longs to have. Then there is the challenger's type. They keep a lover because they love passion, risks and challenges. There is also the noncommittal type. These people love freedom and have an affair simply because they are afraid of making a commitment. They hate responsibility, which is inherent in a marriage. Finally, we have the admired type. They usually enjoy being admired by their lover.

A lot has been written and discussed, formally or otherwise, about another lover in someone's married life. According to Yati, many believe that having affairs, considered a taboo previously, is now an increasingly common practice in major cities.

The world of the preceding generation was indeed different from that of the present-day generation. A pledge of life-long loyalty to one's partner made by the preceding generation was shorter-lived than the same pledge made by today's generation. Yati said that women of today enjoy greater freedom and independence than their predecessors, so they also have the courage not to accept anything that fails to satisfy them in their married lives.

In major cities, indifference or the mind-my-or-your-own- business attitude has led to permissiveness in human behavior. But one thing remains, a reflection of a double standard in the matter of affairs, namely, that an affair is acceptable in the case of a man but not in the case of a woman.