From Las Vegas to Pasadena
By Richard Pedler
JAKARTA (JP): Half a billion viewers witnessed the Final Draw for USA'94 on the Sunday before Christmas in Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas. Celebrities such as Faye Dunaway, Evander Holyfield and Mario Andretti helped FIFA Secretary-General Sepp Blatter to place the 24 qualifiers in their World Cup groups.
The tediously prolonged affair was fortunately sent up by Robin Williams. He donned a rubber glove and theatrically pulled out numbered balls from a goldfish bowl, yelling "Pantyhose" as he handed the Korean ball to "Mr. Bladder," who was not amused.
After 90 minutes, the chore was finally over. But the separation of nations by geographical region was far from satisfactory, bemusing the world's media, and surprisingly disastrous for the hosts.
The Strong and The Weak
Chicago, Boston and Dallas host the two weakest Groups, C and D. All three World Cup debutants (Greece, Nigeria, Saudi Arabia) plus Bulgaria, who still have not won a match in 16 finals games, compete with group favorites Holland, Belgium and Argentina.
San Francisco is the place to be, with Brazil, Colombia, Cameroon and Sweden all based in California alongside hosts USA for the mini-league series involving the most evenly matched Groups, A and B.
Soccer Cheats
FIFA's Refereeing Advisor: "Players are always feigning injuries." Most real injuries leave the player motionless on the ground, but the sight of Klinsmann et al writhing about in agony always seems to fool the referee into bringing out his colored cards.
The slightly more subtle fall in(to), or just outside, the penalty area, like the one which won West Germany the 1990 World Cup, is another effective attackers' trick. What follows is a viewers' guide to Amateur Dramatics:
1. "The Do-Nothing" Just stand still for high balls. Allow the tall defender to climb all over your back as he makes the header. 2. "Careca's Clutch" When falling, clutch any part of your anatomy and screw up your eyes. Hand on brow is optional. 3. "The Timewaster" Lie down and wait for the trainer. Thanks to FIFA, this will now lead to stretcher-bearers, so wait for them to come on, then miraculously recover. Worth at least a minute. 4. "Obstruction" When tired, push the ball forward and run straight into the defender. Turn around and plead with the referee. 5. "The Kanchelskis Shoulder Charge" (as seen in the 1994 FA Cup Final) Run alongside the defender, then bounce off him and fall down when you reach the penalty area. 6. "The Rivelino Whiplash" Going into a tackle, arch the back, throw head back and open mouth wide. 7. "The Klinsmann Limp" After any challenge, limp away holding leg, point at the (same) leg as you pass the referee. 8. "The Keeper's Dummy" If under challenge when going for a cross, fall to the ground clutching your back.
Tomorrow: GOLD & DUST