Young city women: Living in two worlds

Young city women: Living in two worlds

By Joyce Djaelani Gordon

JAKARTA (JP): Let's just face it... Many of our young people
living in big cities are living in two worlds. One foot is
outside the door raring to go and venture out into the future of
great possibilities, while the other foot is still stuck inside
the house of yesterday, which is filled with customary
expectations. Transition is a happening, and happening at a very
fast rate. The instant mind, the instant now, and the instant
Internet connection that the our young have access to, thanks to
great developments in technology, does make this new generation
of the young more informed, and ready to go.

Big cities in Indonesia each have two faces for this emerging
new generation of young people. One can easily see the modern
lifestyle that these young people engage in, from clothing to
accessories, and daily life routine. Yet in the background, one
can also easily see the traditional values have not changed all
that much. This often is highly confusing, especially for young
developing minds. Which one do you or should you follow? Do you
follow the traditional values set within your home, or do you
break yourself away from these values altogether and adopt modern
values? When and where do you set limits? What is proper, and
what is improper? Can you or can't you? That is what living in
two worlds is all about.

The young women of today especially feel this transition, and
sometimes they feel stuck between these two worlds. They feel
this transition more acutely than many of their male
counterparts. They, undoubtedly, have greater opportunities than
ever before to pursue higher education and careers on their own,
especially in big cities. Most of them would not even bat an eye,
when asked whether they would like to continue their studies at
the universities. They would. Less and less women are saying, "No
thanks, I think I'll just be a housewife", if they can afford an
education, and their families do not have any objections.

As the result of higher education, our young women are smarter
and more informed than ever before, and they have more freedom.
Yet, they also realize that real freedom is still illusionary,
especially when it means having to break family traditions and
family values. At one end, they ideally think they should be
free..., but on the other hand their parents, and they
themselves, are still oscillating between old and new values.

She sees clearly, the traditional values that limit her
movements. Limits, that are not there for the male counterparts.
Having the opportunity now to sit alongside their male
counterparts, women in cities are also beginning to realize that
they are as smart, and often, smarter than their male
counterparts. And this clearly tells her that she can survive
outside the kitchen, and be a breadwinner, a success. "Here I am,
the breadwinner in the family, and yet my mother still yells at
me. I have to be home by midnight, just like Cinderella. She
never bothers with my brother who comes later than I," says Gina
25, a young, intelligent, and attractive executive.

Imagine this... A young Jakartan lady, in her early 20s,
wanted to go on a vacation to Bali with her boyfriend. She wanted
to give herself a gift for having completed her studies with
flying colors. However, when she told her parents, they
immediately went into a fit. It was okay for her to be
independent, to work during and throughout her studies and pursue
her career, but yet, this request was simply too much to ask from
the parents. Of course you can imagine, as well as I can, and
understand why her parents rejected her request for permission to
go to Bali with her boyfriend. When she came to me, her question
was whether she should break tradition, or whether she should
respect tradition, while also telling me that she knows the
boundaries that she is not to cross. So, this is the East..., and
you cannot forget Eastern customs and values. I asked her, is it
worth breaking? She was unable to answer.

On the other hand, many of our young urban women are also
asking for independence, even though they are not physically,
mentally, emotionally or spiritually ready to be independent. An
example is a young woman of 20, who says she wants to have her
own life and live on her own. Yet, she is still almost totally
dependent upon her parents, and living off them. She has no
personal money to support herself, yet she is asking her parents
to leave her alone and let her make her own choices. She lives
basically on a credit card, paid on time by her wealthy parents.
Another young woman, living in two worlds. She wants to be
progressive, but she forgets that her one of her feet is still
inside, indoors, of the house of her past. She fully believes
that parents must, and should, support their children until they
are married. To me, she is a real Sleeping Beauty. Not anywhere
near awake yet. This is just another reflection of the
transition, and what living between the two worlds can represent.
Neither here nor there. And, basically, these two young women
just want to have the best of both worlds. Meaning, pretty much,
that they want to get away with whatever they themselves want.
They want freedom, and they also still want to be protected and
supported.

Success

Many women are highly intelligent, so they can easily fill
respectable positions with no problems, and often outshine their
male counterparts, who sometimes lack the ability to attend to
details. However, they want to be successful at work - and still
be desirable to men. Many young women begin questioning, "If I'm
too successful, then men would be too afraid of me to ask me out,
or want to marry me!". Or, "Actually I want to be a doctor, but
I'm afraid that female doctors would have difficulties in finding
husbands..." Sharings like this is often uttered in private
conversations, and in counseling sessions. Both statements are
myths, of course, but real fears in the heads of these otherwise
bright and intelligent women.

Young women of today may want to appear modern, but in day to
day life, they are often held back by traditional values. This is
the reality of the truth. Modern vs Traditional - is not
something that is mutually exclusive. Both worlds coexist and
overlap. Call it double standards if you wish, but think about
how often you hear this following sentence uttered to our young
women..., "Yes, sure you can honey... but..." And honestly, this
can be extremely frustrating for a woman.

A women who is challenged enough to fight the nearly
impossible..., may push and shove her way up. However, she would
often find that her pathway is not totally free of obstacles.
Whenever a woman is considered for an important position, or an
important training, many would still exclaim, "But, she's a
woman! What if she gets married soon? Has a baby? What if her
husband were to be moved out of town....?" Being smart she may
find herself heart broken, as her understanding opens up to the
reality around her, and finding that she cannot find the way
toward true freedom. For this, she suffers inside.

Kahlil Gibran, the famous poet wrote, "Modern civilization has
made woman a little wiser, but it has increased her suffering
because of man's covetousness. The woman of yesterday was a happy
wife, but the woman of today is a miserable mistress. In the past
she walked blindly in the light, but now she walks open eyed in
the dark."

Yesterday's traditional young women are just happy with their
lot. While she knows the limitations set upon women, she is happy
enough to accept these limitations as is. Meanwhile, the modern
women of today, being smart and intelligent, can feel the
injustice.

Yet as Gibran continued to say, "She was beautiful in her
ignorance, virtuous in her simplicity, and strong in her
weakness. Today she has become ugly in her ingenuity, superficial
and heartless in her knowledge. Will the day ever come when
beauty and knowledge, ingenuity, virtue and weakness of the body,
and strength of the spirit will be united in a woman?"

Battle

Some of today's city women, especially women who find their
selves in male dominated industries, can develop to be ugly,
manipulative, heartless and ruthless. This is often because of
the fight she has had to withstand on her way up. She often would
have to work twice as hard, with twice the determination and
creativity a man would need to exert - just to proof that she is
able. Yet, often this kind of women would lose themselves in the
process, and turn to be superficial in their relations, and
heartless in their affairs. The battle uphill is never an easy
one, and often a woman may have killed her heart and feelings in
order to survive this battle. As Gibran continued,
understandingly, to say, "If a woman elevates herself in one
respect and is retarded in another, it is because the rough trail
that leads to the mountain peak is not free of ambushes of
thieves and lairs of wolves."

"This strange generation exists between sleeping and waking.
It holds in its hands the soil of the past and the seeds of the
future. However, we find in every city, a woman who symbolizes
the future," Kahlil wrote. And much what we see now in this new
generation, is the same as it was when Kahlil wrote these words.
And today it is true, more women are awakened with a new
consciousness. However, not all of our young women will be truly
awakened. Some may continue to sleep walk. Countless others will
continue to be in deep sleep, waiting for a young prince to come
and give her a ready-made identity.

I am sure there are many young women in our cities who
symbolize the future. Perhaps you will recognize her from amongst
the crowd. She is real, true, and she is smart. What is more, she
is pure, has an air of innocence and radiates compassion and
love. These women are the ones, who in their older years will
continue to have heart, and stand with enough knowledge and
wisdom to hold their ground. They will stand with determination,
without setting aside their emotions and femininity. Virtuous,
innocent, creative, brave, and simple at heart. These women will
have strong and personal identities, identities that set them
apart from the rest.

It would be up to us, the older women, to guide our young
women of today, so that she would not be lost within the
labyrinth of two worlds in confusion. Show her the way toward the
future, without sacrificing her heart of true femininity that
holds the fabric of mankind together.

The writer is a psychologist.