Y2 what? Recognizing the virus that will crash your computers
By E. Effendi
JAKARTA (JP): Just when you thought you've had enough with bugs in your life, we have to deal with a new variety of bugs. These bugs are entirely different from the ordinary bugs that we see everyday in our houses. When we think about bugs, we usually think about something that crawls under desks, leaves a stain or two and takes years to get rid of. Although that is also what most people are reminded of when they think about Monica Lewinsky.
The new bugs are called the Millennium Bug or the Y2K Bug. Now that we have to deal with these bugs, I think it is quite refreshing to forget about the worries caused by ordinary bugs, such as hygiene and sanitation problems, and concentrate on worries caused by Y2K bugs, such as plane crashes and nuclear meltdowns.
Although news about these bugs has appeared in the media more often than deodorant commercials, there are still many people who are confused about what the Y2K bug is. Therefore, I will try to present to you the explanation that I got from a computer expert (a keeper of a computer store next to my house who has proved his computer expertise by beating his computer in a solitaire game). This problem began when all computer geniuses felt that they only had to use two digits, instead of four, for the year in the computer date system. Therefore, they coded the year using only the last two digits of the year, like 45 for 1945 and 99 for 1999. So, on Jan. 1, 2000, computers will change the year from 99 to 00 and they may mistake 00 for 1900 which could make them suggest to kill everybody whose name is Adolf Hitler.
I know that you are now having questions in your mind, like: How come that explanation makes me more confuse? How bad can these bugs be? Is there really more than one man whose name is Adolf Hitler?
According to my other source (a stranger that I met in a cinema who was there only for the bathroom), Y2K bugs may cause a very big disaster.
Computers may crash because they think time is going backward. Every machine that has a timing device, such as machines that help control air traffic, electricity, nuclear plants and hospitals, are estimated to be down on Jan. 1, 2000, unless we do something to prevent that, like threatening them with something that they most afraid of, a hot soldering iron.
Based on a survey I conducted (which was taken by four strangers who sat next to me on a bus when I wrote this story), most people will play it safe on that day and avoid using or taking any computerized devices, such as planes, ATMs and robots (including Al Gore). Some others still do not know what to do because there are also many theories that say the only bad thing that will happen on Jan. 1, 2000, is that many futuristic movies that state the year 2000 is the future will be considered as too ridiculous to watch.
And because there are so many theories concerning these bugs, I feel obliged to come up with my own theory, which I am sure has a big chance of winning a Nobel Prize, if all the judges spend a full two hours consuming Tequila first.
I have spent a lot of time preparing this theory by reading books on the Y2K problem, such as: The Idiot's Guide to Y2K, Y2K for Dummies, Chicken Soup for Y2K, and Y Is From Mars and 2K is from Venus. My theory about the Y2K bugs is, ready for this, "The Revenge of The Nerds".
I believe that all computer programmers, most of whom are now falling in love with Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider game, have intentionally planned this problem. There is no way that all the computer geniuses in the world were not aware of this problem when they wrote their computer programs. I mean, they are the people who are making fortune by selling something that will be out of date two minutes after people start buying it. They sure know this will happen and they want it to happen, because of the warm treatment that they got in their high schools.
In high school, the computer programmers were usually different from other high school students, in terms that the other students knew more about sex than they did. This caused the other students, mostly football players named Buzz, to extend the hand of friendship to them, like by beating them up once in a while and locking them in the closet for hours.
But these guys then realized that other people's knowledge about computers was not more than a spoonful. They knew this by the fact that those people always suggested that there were some viruses involved whenever there was a problem with their computer, even when those computers had been struck by lightning or crushed by a bulldozer.
Buzz: Uh, I think this computer has been infected by viruses!
Nerd: Of course not, it's dead because it fell from the 18th floor.
Buzz: (long pause) I think the viruses came from the Internet.
This fact made them realize that they could get away with anything in the computer business, even when they decided to sell a new version of Windows every year. That is why on Jan. 1, 2000, Buzz and his football team will hit their computers with big rocks because their PCs will crash and go, "This is for hanging my underwear on top of the flag pole! -- B. Gates."
That is my theory, which I am sure will receive much warm support, mostly by way of subpoena. However, my theory does not make the matter clearer. That is why I have asked a team of Y2K experts (comprising computer programmers who are able to write the word millennium without any spelling error) to help me answer some questions:
Q: Does Popeye have any other clothes besides the white sailor suit?
A: I mean questions about Y2K bugs.
Q: Will Popeye have any other clothes besides the white sailor suit on Jan. 1, 2000?
A: That's more like it. Yes, he will have a black sailor suit.
Q: I live in a big city, but I do not have any kind of computer in my house. I also do not intend to go out on Jan. 1, 2000, because I do not have any friends to go out with. Should I worry about Y2K bugs?
A: No, you do not have to worry about Y2K bugs. However, you do have to worry about your social life.
Q: How can I know for sure that my personal computer is safe from Y2K bugs?
A: If, on Jan. 1, 2000, there is nothing wrong with your personal computer, then it is safe.
Q: Wouldn't that be too late?
A: Hey, if you want a perfect answer, you should ask Bill Gates instead of me.
Q: For Jan. 1, 2000, I am planning to just spend the whole day at home making out with my wife. My question is, will contraceptive devices, like condoms, be affected by Y2K bugs?
A: We are not sure because all of our computer experts have never had the chance to use one.
Unfortunately, it is now 10 p.m. and our team of experts does not want to answer more questions because it is passed their bedtime and they do not want to be grounded by their mothers. However, I am glad to inform you that many companies have announced that their computers have been made "Y2K ready", whatever that means. Let's just hope and pray that nothing bad happens on Jan. 1, 2000, and also pray that my mother does not catch me awake at this time of night.