Women, sex and prejudice in Jakarta

By Aida Greenbury

JAKARTA (JP): There are two smash TV shows that -- according to Marie Claire magazine -- have become more religion than entertainment in the United States. One is Ally McBeal, which portrays a dreamy lawyer who earnestly longs for love and is often bummed by her single status. The second is Sex and the City, about a group of cheerful vamps who are known to put lust first in searching for the perfect love.

In one scene, Samantha, a gal Carrie (played brilliantly by Sarah Jessica-Parker) hangs out with in Sex and the City, goes to a marriage counselor with her current boyfriend. Samantha has been refusing to have sex with her boyfriend, and finally he succeeds in dragging her to the counselor.

The thought of spending more torturous hours talking about her sex life under the scrutiny of the shrink causes Samantha to blurt out the reason she has been a "no-no" woman in bed.

"Let's face it, I need a big d--k," she says.

Married to a westerner myself, sometimes I get frustrated dealing with ridiculous questions about why I decided to marry an expatriate. Some people think the only possible reason behind mixed marriages is sex. Either it is about local males who are obsessed with the fantasy of having sex with some blonde Caucasian, or about Western men longing for Asian sex slaves. Some people even say local women prefer the size of westerners penises. It's sickening, isn't it?

One day, an Indonesian friend of mine ran home crying. One of the women in her office apparently told her she would be of no use if her American husband divorced her, as no local man would accept her already oversized genitalia. Good Lord! What blatant mental abuse! Some people just have no idea about privacy and ethics.

Why do they seem to be continuously thinking about sex?

About 25 percent of teenagers are sexually active, but traditional views about sex, particularly women's sexuality, remain dominant, according to a report in the Sunday edition of The Jakarta Post two weeks ago.

Well, according to my own research, average men think about sex more than women. Some middle-aged women even claim they could abstain from sex for the rest of their lives. Wow, that's a bit extreme! However, my good friend Jenny said that simply watching a guy in a dark suit and with a five o'clock shadow dancing is a huge turn on for her.

A few months ago, I talked with an Indonesian woman who has been living, outside of wedlock of course, with a Western man in Jakarta. She has to lie to her family and everybody she knows about her situation.

I asked her why she sacrificed so much. Does she love him that much?

"I didn't really want to move in with him. Especially not for the sex reason. I thought by moving in I could watch over my boyfriend easier, you know, like to make sure he doesn't bring home other women or something. It's more a security issue than anything else. Also, I think according to Western standards this is necessary for me to qualify as a serious candidate for a future wife. But maybe I'm wrong. We've been living together for three years and he hasn't proposed to me yet. I'm getting tired," she explained.

There you go. It is not about sex at all.

A British friend came to my house one day. He looked a mess. "I met this woman last night at a bar. She was so sweet. You realize how badly I've wanted to have a local girlfriend. We had drinks, chatted for two hours and she agreed to come home with me. We had great sex last night," he stopped, sipped his warm ginger tea, and continued.

"This morning I woke up thinking about having another romantic chat with her, and there she was already fully dressed, sitting on the sofa beside my bed and saying: 'That will be 200 hundred dollars, mister.'"

Well, he had only been in Jakarta for two months. Still a lot to learn.

When some people think that certain women are thinking about sex, they are actually thinking about something else. It could be about money, security or simply love. Or is it because of the strong influence of Eastern culture that Indonesian women cannot just say what Samantha said?