Women, sex and prejudice in Jakarta

Women, sex and prejudice in Jakarta

By Aida Greenbury

JAKARTA (JP): There are two smash TV shows that -- according
to Marie Claire magazine -- have become more religion than
entertainment in the United States. One is Ally McBeal, which
portrays a dreamy lawyer who earnestly longs for love and is
often bummed by her single status. The second is Sex and the
City, about a group of cheerful vamps who are known to put lust
first in searching for the perfect love.

In one scene, Samantha, a gal Carrie (played brilliantly by
Sarah Jessica-Parker) hangs out with in Sex and the City, goes to
a marriage counselor with her current boyfriend. Samantha has
been refusing to have sex with her boyfriend, and finally he
succeeds in dragging her to the counselor.

The thought of spending more torturous hours talking about her
sex life under the scrutiny of the shrink causes Samantha to
blurt out the reason she has been a "no-no" woman in bed.

"Let's face it, I need a big d--k," she says.

Married to a westerner myself, sometimes I get frustrated
dealing with ridiculous questions about why I decided to marry an
expatriate. Some people think the only possible reason behind
mixed marriages is sex. Either it is about local males who are
obsessed with the fantasy of having sex with some blonde
Caucasian, or about Western men longing for Asian sex slaves.
Some people even say local women prefer the size of westerners
penises. It's sickening, isn't it?

One day, an Indonesian friend of mine ran home crying. One of
the women in her office apparently told her she would be of no
use if her American husband divorced her, as no local man would
accept her already oversized genitalia. Good Lord! What blatant
mental abuse! Some people just have no idea about privacy and
ethics.

Why do they seem to be continuously thinking about sex?

About 25 percent of teenagers are sexually active, but
traditional views about sex, particularly women's sexuality,
remain dominant, according to a report in the Sunday edition of
The Jakarta Post two weeks ago.

Well, according to my own research, average men think about
sex more than women. Some middle-aged women even claim they could
abstain from sex for the rest of their lives. Wow, that's a bit
extreme! However, my good friend Jenny said that simply watching
a guy in a dark suit and with a five o'clock shadow dancing is a
huge turn on for her.

A few months ago, I talked with an Indonesian woman who has
been living, outside of wedlock of course, with a Western man in
Jakarta. She has to lie to her family and everybody she knows
about her situation.

I asked her why she sacrificed so much. Does she love him that
much?

"I didn't really want to move in with him. Especially not for
the sex reason. I thought by moving in I could watch over my
boyfriend easier, you know, like to make sure he doesn't bring
home other women or something. It's more a security issue than
anything else. Also, I think according to Western standards this
is necessary for me to qualify as a serious candidate for a
future wife. But maybe I'm wrong. We've been living together for
three years and he hasn't proposed to me yet. I'm getting tired,"
she explained.

There you go. It is not about sex at all.

A British friend came to my house one day. He looked a mess.
"I met this woman last night at a bar. She was so sweet. You
realize how badly I've wanted to have a local girlfriend. We had
drinks, chatted for two hours and she agreed to come home with
me. We had great sex last night," he stopped, sipped his warm
ginger tea, and continued.

"This morning I woke up thinking about having another romantic
chat with her, and there she was already fully dressed, sitting
on the sofa beside my bed and saying: 'That will be 200 hundred
dollars, mister.'"

Well, he had only been in Jakarta for two months. Still a lot
to learn.

When some people think that certain women are thinking about
sex, they are actually thinking about something else. It could be
about money, security or simply love. Or is it because of the
strong influence of Eastern culture that Indonesian women cannot
just say what Samantha said?