Without my 'pembantu', I become Mr. Bean

By Michael Upton

JAKARTA (JP): Well, it's dinnertime and the pembantu (maid) is in East Java for Lebaran. Let's see what's in the fridge.

Hmm, lots of tupperware containers but no labels. This one looks like chicken curry. Good. And here's a tub of steamed rice. All I have to do is microwave them. Need some vegetables, though, for Vitamins... er, D and er... Ah, what's in this one?

Boiled Chinese leaves, looking very limp and unnutritious. Hmm, this one's better -- new potatoes with sprigs of dill and some wedges of orange stuff that looks like... mango? Strange. But it's colorful, so must be bursting with vitamins, so let's give it a go. I'm hungry. Wonder if this will be enough chicken.

Now, I know about microwaving. I often make myself a cup of cocoa to detox after a night of too much beer down on Blok M. I'm also brilliant at heating up slices of leftover pizza. Hot drinks, Italian cuisine -- there's practically no limit to what I can do with a microwave, though I have to admit I might be a bit rusty -- after all I haven't prepared my own dinner since last Idul Fitri.

For instance, can you microwave tupperware? I used to know but have forgotten. Better play it safe. Don't want any toxic compounds migrating from the plastic into the food and thence into me. Also I seem to remember once having a tupperware container that looked like a twisted car wreck, probably after microwaving. Better decant the curry into a pudding basin. Then if I put the rice and the vegetables into cereal bowls there'll be just room for the three containers to turn on the turntable. Neat!

There. Better cover them to avoid splashing the inside of the microwave. Don't want to have to clean it. Voice of experience, that's me. These saucers will do. Right, we'll try 2 minutes... Start.

Aargh, fireworks! Everything's sparking and crackling! Switch off. Drat it, there's a stupid gold ring around the bowls, making them spark. Have to change them for those bigger bowls without the ring. Tum te tum. Dammit, the saucers have the gold ring too.

How unlike me to have matching crockery. I'll have to swap these. It should be illegal to put metallic rings on tableware. Hmm, this is not as easy as I thought. I want to heat everything in one go, but the bigger bowls won't fit on the turntable together.

Let's pour a glass of that leftover white wine while I regroup after this minor setback. Mmm, not bad. Ah, brainwave! If I put the new potatoes and the orange pieces (what is that stuff?) in with the curry, the basin can sit on top of the bigger bowl containing the rice, covered by a dinner plate. Hope this is enough -- I'm starving. There. Two minutes. Start.

Have another slurp of wine. Hmm, there's a sinkful of washing up and I've not yet eaten a bite. Right... table laid, soundtrack from Notting Hill on the CD player, we're all systems go. Beep beep beep.

Youch! Plate's very hot. Better get another one to eat off.

Mmm, tasty. The new potatoes with their sprigs of dill add a sophisticated touch to this basic padang dish. And the orange wedges create a sort of... well, a contrast, really. Frankly, I have no idea what I'm eating, but it's good.

Gosh, there's a lot of chicken. It didn't look much in the basin, but that's just as well, I'm still hungry. Need some more rice to soak up the gravy. And I'll put that track on again while I'm up.

Tum te tum. "She may be the song that summer sings..." Where are those serving spoons? Oh never mind, get some more out. Just a bit more rice. Hmm, the cooking dishes are all in the sink, have to use another bowl. Think I'll reheat the curry while I'm here to make sure it's piping hot. Two minutes. Start.

Beep beep beep. Yeeoouch! That's really hot. Used to have an oven glove but haven't seen it for ages... better serve on a fresh plate or I'll never get it to the table.

Mmm, really good. Phew, I'm full. Still two pieces of chicken left. It must have multiplied in the microwave. Wish the pembantu were here -- she could finish it off. And do the washing up. Pity the cat died.

Just one more piece... Dammit, just remembered I have some Patak's Extra Hot Lime Pickle in the fridge and I've almost finished the chicken. Well, maybe I can force that last chunk down. After all, I did work off a lot of weight with that football game last week. Or was it the week before? Never mind, I'm not having dessert. Well not yet, anyway.

Fridge seems to be full of tupperware. Hope there's some rendang. Ah, here's the pickle and some chutney too. Splendid.

Mmm. Phheew, now I'm really full. Bursting actually. I'll just have a quiet sit down on the sofa to digest this...

Ergh, 11 p.m. Must have nodded off. Ah well, better get up and go to bed. Dammit, the sink's full of dirty dishes. So's the table. How many people ate here, anyway, ten? Suppose I'd better clear it. Or some of it.

Smash. Oops, dropped a saucer. Well, it was a gold-rimmed one anyway. At least that one won't be around to confuse me next Idul Fitri.

Must ask the pembantu where that oven glove went. And what those orange slices were. When's she coming back?

One thing's for sure. I'm not paying her enough.