'Widespread honesty could led to collapse'

The recent shocking news that the president of the Central Grotavia District Court, the Hon. Geriatricus Hangem, has apparently only managed to stash away a measly Rp 250 million during his entire career on the bench has sent shock waves through the legal fraternity.

"There's something seriously wrong here. I mean, it looks suspiciously like he might have become involved in honest practices," said startled Supreme Court Justice I Laika Damoney.

However, Justice Damoney continued, there was still a possibility that Judge Geriatricus and other suspect members of the judiciary were actually innocent of the honesty charges and had merely failed to do their sums right when adding up their personal assets, thus leading to such ridiculously low figures.

"We judges aren't that awfully bright. After all, you don't need to be a genius to be a free-loader and a pillager, especially when most of your colleagues in the judiciary are the same, apart from the couple of bad apples who are honest."

Nevertheless, the continuing, disturbing rumors that there might still be some minute vestiges of honesty persisting in the legal profession have given rise to widespread public anger.

Tentative inquiries among members of the legal fraternity appeared to confirm the public's worst fears.

An attorney with the prominent Grotavia law firm of Perjure, Rigitt and Pigitt claimed that one or two highly unscrupulous judges were actually refusing the backhanders they were habitually offered. "This is absolutely disgraceful. What kind of a criminal justice system is it when you can't buy off the judges. I mean, how are you going to know who'll win? The peasants and villagers rather than all of us urban rent-seekers and young executives might actually end up on top. And then where would we all be?" he growled angrily.

Following the most recent revelations, calls have been mounting for "stern action" to be taken by the Grotavia government against such recalcitrant, honest judges, should any actually be found.

No less a personage than Vice President Humpti Hoss has complained that should the rumors turn out to be true, there was a possibility that the people might become "restless", and even start breaking things again, although he still denied, as he has consistently done for years, that there was any honesty problem in the city, saying emphatically once again, "There are no honestists in Grotavia."

International observers and economists have also been ringing the alarm bells. According to Irrational Monetary Fun (IMF) legal consultant, Seymor Twaddle, there was now a widespread fear that the very foundations of the Grotavian state could be rocked should such allegations of vestigial honesty, probity and rectitude among the judiciary prove to be well-founded.

He pointed to the recent case involving the speaker of the Grotavia House of Representatives, "Wacky Acky" Dumthumb, who is also the chairman of the Kool-kar Party, as a good example of a case where the judges might have been involved in honest practices.

"The fact that they upheld his conviction even though it's as clear as mud to all right-minded people here in Grotavia that he should have been acquitted, and possibly even been awarded a couple of hundred thousand dollars in compensation for his trouble, clearly shows that there was something highly fishy afoot, something that could have disastrous implications for the entire judicial system," Twaddle warned, although he added that the Supreme Court was expected to restore sanity to the judicial system by overturning Wacky Acky's conviction on appeal.

However, it is not just the judiciary that would appear to have become contaminated.

According to the asset declarations submitted to the Public Servants' Wealth Audit Commission by public representatives, ministers, directors general and civil servants at all levels, the vast majority all swear blind by everything that is holy and religious that they are as poor as church mice in North Korea.

This has only served to increase public suspicions that they are not serious about doing their jobs properly and are failing to rip off the country in a proper, professional manner.

Mustapha Kickbacki, a senior advisor to Grotavia Governor Snooty Bozo, has gone so far as to warn that the very fabric of national life could be eaten away by the cancer of honest practices.

"We've never been interested in doing anything around here unless it's a mega project where we can cream of at least 20 percent to line our own pockets with. If our public servants start losing their voraciousness, it's clear that absolutely nothing will ever get done in Grotavia again," he lamented, adding that the success of the Grotavia busway project, in particular, could be put in serious jeopardy should juicy backhanders not be pocketed by all concerned.

Many economists at state universities have also warned of the grave dangers facing the national economy should the scourge of honesty spread any farther in the national body politic.

"Well, how do you think any of these hardworking time-servers and rent-seekers in the government could ever afford to buy a Rp 5 billion house in Bintaro, or five or six big mercs -- like 90 percent of them currently own -- unless they are on the take? Should they start becoming honest, perish the thought, the luxury car and housing markets would soon collapse," warned Prof. Bentasaan S. Hook of the University of Grotavia.

The prevailing angry mood in Grotavia at the present time may, perhaps, best be summed up in the words of senior military man Maj. Gen. Isatilla Dahun: "What was the point of us fighting so long for independence from the Butchmen if we're not prepared to work hard at feathering our own nests? It's time we sorted out these honest cowboys once and for all!"

-- Bill Blade