When fear takes over

By Hawa Arofah

Kasdi became restless when his only child Pandu graduated from high school because he had fostered the idea of him becoming a master of arts since he was in junior high. Now that he had passed high school he would certainly ask him for money to enroll at a university.

Kasdi was not worried about money or costs, because as a farmer who worked on a two-hectare ricefield he would not have any difficulty paying for his son's college fees.

Kasdi was only troubled because recently, to his knowledge and based on rumors, students had been having a bad time. It was said that students had to join demonstrations. Some of them were beaten and others had disappeared. The disappearance of the students was said to be a result of abductions by terrorist groups which until then had not been identified by the authorities.

"Do not wish to become a university graduate, son," said Kasdi finally, expressing his worries to Pandu when the latter asked him for money to go the city to register at a university.

"Do you object to paying for my education?" Pandu asked his father in an annoyed voice. "Whatever the situation I must go to university father!"

"But it is dangerous nowadays to be a student. Aren't you afraid of being beaten or kidnapped?" asked Kasdi harshly.

"No matter what, I must attend lectures father. If you are unable to pay for it, I will run away to the city and I will not come home." Pandu threatened.

Kasdi snorted. He felt oppressed. As a parent he would be very sad if his only child ran away without any fixed destination. He recalled several young men of the neighborhood who had run away because they were prohibited from going to university by their poor parents. Some of them became hoodlums, others turned to theft in the city and were shot dead by the police.

"You had better settle in the village and become a farmer. If you want a motorcycle I will buy you a new one." said Kasdi, coaxing his son.

Pandu was adamant in his plans.

"Anyhow, you will not go to university, son! You will not become a student! What is the use of giving yourself so much trouble studying if you get beaten or kidnapped, if you finally become an unemployed graduate?"

Pandu did not want to speak further. He knew how his father as a farmer was affected by negative rumors on the fate of students in Indonesia. And he knew how to put pressure on his father so he would pay for his studies. For a long time his father had never tired to giving him advice on not drinking alcohol and especially not to get drunk.

And so, one evening Pandu bought two bottles of liquor from a neighborhood shop. He brought the alcohol home and immediately gulped down the contents of one bottle. He held tightly to the second one and stretched himself on the floor, stone drunk.

Marti, his mother, began crying when she saw her only son in whom she took pride in a state of drunkenness.

Kasdi was furious but he did not want to talk harshly. It was no use getting angry with somebody who was drunk. But he realized immediately that Pandu had gotten intentionally drunk because his wish to go to university was hampered.

"Pandu will always be a drunk if he is not allowed to go to university, Pak," said the tearful Marti. "Let him go to his lectures as he has always cherished the idea of going to university!"

"Do you want to have a son who is beaten or abducted by terrorist groups?" said Kasdi harshly.

"But if he is not allowed to go to university, he will become a drunk, Pak. Just see, he has already dared to buy two bottles of liquor! Do you prefer to have a son who is a drunk?"

Kasdi fell silent. He did not want to quarrel with his wife. But he would continue to object if Pandu went to university. He could not imagine how difficult it would be for parents if their son suddenly disappeared, kidnapped by terrorists. Or if their son was suspected of being a rebel and detained by the authorities.

In the nights that followed, Pandu bought liquor and got drunk while Kasdi and Marti could only cry in their hearts.

"My parents have shown they prefer to see me drunk every night instead of allowing me to go to university," Pandu mumbled one morning. He then thought of another ways to pressure his parents to allow him to attend lectures.

"I must invite my friends who like to get drunk to join me," Pandu mumbled again. The following night his friends came to the house. Pandu bought ten bottles of alcoholic for the party. They all got drunk, lying on the verandah of the house.

Kasdi and Marti grew increasingly sad. Especially since the money Pandu used to buy the liquor came from the sale of unhulled rice. Nearly every morning Pandu took a sack of unhulled rice from the back room without permission and sold it. Scores of sacks of unhullled rice were stockpiled in the back room for the dry season.

"Pak, sooner or later many people will find fault with us because we allow Pandu and his friends to get drunk in this house," said Marti crying in the bedroom. It was late at night.

Kasdi heaved a long sigh. His patience had run out. And he had already considered matters thoroughly. He felt it was better to allow Pandu to go to university than allow him to get drunk with his friends.

The next morning Kasdi invited Pandu for a talk in the dining room.

"Do you still want to go to university?"

"Are you willing to pay for my lectures?" Pandu asked in return.

"It is not a matter of money. The important thing is can you protect yourself during your studies."

"You need not worry on that account!"

"Not worry, how is that? If you disappear because you are kidnapped by terrorists, or you are arrested by the authorities under suspicion of rebelling against the government, who would not be in trouble?"

"I want to attend lectures because I want to be an M.A., Pak; not because I want to join demonstrations."

"If you are a student, you have to join your friends when they demonstrate."

"That is not for sure; just wait and see."

"But you must really attend lectures. Do not ever join demonstrations."

Pandu nodded and shortly thereafter left for the city to enroll at the university.

Kasdi and Marti became worried as Pandu did not come home. If Pandu was admitted as a new student in a university, he would not immediately start attending lectures and he would have time to come home, get some clothes and money.

Days passed. Some neighbors asked Kasdi and Marti where Pandu had gone.

Their replies were doubtful. "He went to the city to enroll at a university."

"Oh, that's great. You'll have a son with an academic title," the neighbors commented.

"By the way, which university is he going to?" they asked.

Kasdi and Marti only shook their heads, not knowing the answer.

"What is the matter? Do you not know which university your own son attends?"

Kasdi and Marti chose to say nothing. They did not want to respond to their neighbors' talk.

Several months passed. Kasdi and Marti grew increasingly edgy. They wanted to look for Pandu, but where? Pandu had left without telling them where he went. He hadn't said to which university he went.

"Could Pandu have disappeared? Maybe he was kidnapped by terrorists. Maybe terrorists now also kidnap candidate students?" Their fear was caused by their worries.

One year later Pandu suddenly arrived back home. His body was frail and his eyes were hollow. He was worn out and smelled of alcohol.

"Pandu! To which university did you go?" asked Kasdi, his eyes glistening with tears. Marti could only cry.

Pandu answered in a hoarse voice: "I did not go to university; I was afraid of being a student."

-- Translated by S.H.