When another Harry met another Sally

By Aida Greenbury

JAKARTA (JP): Let me tell you how Jenny's boyfriend reacts every time she has a "nice" new male friend. He narrows his eyes, his right hand reaches for his nose and scratches it and his face reddens. I can almost see the adrenaline filling his blood vessels. The alarm bell goes wild. But I can completely understand. What is more important to a man than the smart, attractive, funny and loving woman in his life? If we put aside golf, TV wrestling and talking bull over a beer, of course.

To learn that a strange male is making an intrusion -- no matter how innocent -- into his marked territory is just too much to bear for Jenny's boyfriend. Isn't it funny? Why can't some people just accept friendship between the genders? What is the fuss about?

Platonic relationships -- somebody told me gay society invented the term -- is an idea greeted with skepticism by some. Is pure friendship between members of the opposite sex possible in real life?

We wouldn't think twice about answering "yes" -- if only all humans were created equal. But guess what, we are absolutely different creatures. Like John Gray said in his book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, the female group is destined to use their brains and emotions to face life, while the other group uses their huge egos and something else to solve problems.

Now a platonic relationship, yes, this means no flirting and no casual sex between the two. It's challenging.

A good metaphor for a platonic relationship is a male and female Chihuahua stuck in a box. At first they get along fine -- minding their own business. Then they grow to like one another, try to scratch each other's back -- being a lady and a gentleman. But the more time they spend together (say, maybe three hours?) they realize they both have undeniable biological urges.

Another description I read on a web site is that the temptation to cross the border between friendship and something more is similar to a junk food craving at 3 a.m. after dancing your butt off at some club. You don't need it -- but it has an undeniable appeal.

It is also almost impossible for people who are too attractive to have healthy platonic friendships. Why? Well, the luscious information captured by your eyes travels through the nerves into your brain. Your brain will react and order action -- an order that might be transferred to the wrong organ. Have a look at the TV series Friends. I have no idea why they still call it Friends. The producer should change the title to "Three guys and three girls who are trapped in an apartment building and start to sleep around with each other". OK, maybe that's too long. Why does Monica end up with Chandler and Ross with Rachel? Because they are just unrealistically too good looking to be friends? Which is fine on TV, otherwise nobody would be watching it.

Friendships that involve married or non-single people are sometimes easier, as long as they have healthy relationships with their spouses and do not pick psycho marriage-breakers as their platonic friends.

Several important factors are key to a successful platonic relationship. The basic rule is that both parties have to enter the friendship without a hidden agenda. At least one of them has to possess a strong will and the discipline to set the rules and remind the other where the boundaries are. Phew, I'm already sweltering here. It sounds more like preparation to go off to war rather than embarking on a sweet relationship.

A lot of women are also such teases. They need to feel that they are adored; that they are attractive and sexy, thus they become flirtatious with their so-called "male friends". These kind of women tend to treat their male friends like on-and-off lust quenchers. What I particularly dislike is when either the male or the female starts something and then quickly moves back to the friendship zone the next day? It's so not cool and a rather cheap way to confuse a person as to where he or she stands.

It is a completely different story if one of them has feelings for the other. Maybe there is no initial hidden agenda, but something grows along with the time they spend together. What can you do then? If it's only one-sided, the best solution is just to shut up. To say the three magic words will only ruin the friendship, unless the other one feels the same way -- but usually you can tell that beforehand.

Two tips if you think you like someone as more than a friend: never take advantage when she cries on your shoulder, telling you about her problems with her guy. Tip number two: never -- I repeat -- never get drunk and tell her how you feel. If you do, quickly deny it as soon as you are sober. Or say something nice like: "I wasn't quite myself last night, I probably said some things I wouldn't have said if I hadn't drunk too much wine." That's not too cruel, don't you think?

Beyond all this, I ask myself: "Why do we need platonic relationships, anyway?"

As a female, my answer is simple: What's better than having a friend who doesn't talk bad behind your back, who doesn't borrow your favorite dress then forget to return it, who doesn't borrow your lipstick when he has the flu?