When another Harry met another Sally
When another Harry met another Sally
By Aida Greenbury
JAKARTA (JP): Let me tell you how Jenny's boyfriend reacts
every time she has a "nice" new male friend. He narrows his eyes,
his right hand reaches for his nose and scratches it and his face
reddens. I can almost see the adrenaline filling his blood
vessels. The alarm bell goes wild. But I can completely
understand. What is more important to a man than the smart,
attractive, funny and loving woman in his life? If we put aside
golf, TV wrestling and talking bull over a beer, of course.
To learn that a strange male is making an intrusion -- no
matter how innocent -- into his marked territory is just too much
to bear for Jenny's boyfriend. Isn't it funny? Why can't some
people just accept friendship between the genders? What is the
fuss about?
Platonic relationships -- somebody told me gay society
invented the term -- is an idea greeted with skepticism by some.
Is pure friendship between members of the opposite sex possible
in real life?
We wouldn't think twice about answering "yes" -- if only all
humans were created equal. But guess what, we are absolutely
different creatures. Like John Gray said in his book Men are from
Mars and Women are from Venus, the female group is destined to
use their brains and emotions to face life, while the other group
uses their huge egos and something else to solve problems.
Now a platonic relationship, yes, this means no flirting and
no casual sex between the two. It's challenging.
A good metaphor for a platonic relationship is a male and
female Chihuahua stuck in a box. At first they get along fine --
minding their own business. Then they grow to like one another,
try to scratch each other's back -- being a lady and a gentleman.
But the more time they spend together (say, maybe three hours?)
they realize they both have undeniable biological urges.
Another description I read on a web site is that the
temptation to cross the border between friendship and something
more is similar to a junk food craving at 3 a.m. after dancing
your butt off at some club. You don't need it -- but it has an
undeniable appeal.
It is also almost impossible for people who are too attractive
to have healthy platonic friendships. Why? Well, the luscious
information captured by your eyes travels through the nerves into
your brain. Your brain will react and order action -- an order
that might be transferred to the wrong organ. Have a look at the
TV series Friends. I have no idea why they still call it Friends.
The producer should change the title to "Three guys and three
girls who are trapped in an apartment building and start to sleep
around with each other". OK, maybe that's too long. Why does
Monica end up with Chandler and Ross with Rachel? Because they
are just unrealistically too good looking to be friends? Which is
fine on TV, otherwise nobody would be watching it.
Friendships that involve married or non-single people are
sometimes easier, as long as they have healthy relationships with
their spouses and do not pick psycho marriage-breakers as their
platonic friends.
Several important factors are key to a successful platonic
relationship. The basic rule is that both parties have to enter
the friendship without a hidden agenda. At least one of them has
to possess a strong will and the discipline to set the rules and
remind the other where the boundaries are. Phew, I'm already
sweltering here. It sounds more like preparation to go off to war
rather than embarking on a sweet relationship.
A lot of women are also such teases. They need to feel that
they are adored; that they are attractive and sexy, thus they
become flirtatious with their so-called "male friends". These
kind of women tend to treat their male friends like on-and-off
lust quenchers. What I particularly dislike is when either the
male or the female starts something and then quickly moves back
to the friendship zone the next day? It's so not cool and a
rather cheap way to confuse a person as to where he or she
stands.
It is a completely different story if one of them has feelings
for the other. Maybe there is no initial hidden agenda, but
something grows along with the time they spend together. What can
you do then? If it's only one-sided, the best solution is just to
shut up. To say the three magic words will only ruin the
friendship, unless the other one feels the same way -- but
usually you can tell that beforehand.
Two tips if you think you like someone as more than a friend:
never take advantage when she cries on your shoulder, telling you
about her problems with her guy. Tip number two: never -- I
repeat -- never get drunk and tell her how you feel. If you do,
quickly deny it as soon as you are sober. Or say something nice
like: "I wasn't quite myself last night, I probably said some
things I wouldn't have said if I hadn't drunk too much wine."
That's not too cruel, don't you think?
Beyond all this, I ask myself: "Why do we need platonic
relationships, anyway?"
As a female, my answer is simple: What's better than having a
friend who doesn't talk bad behind your back, who doesn't borrow
your favorite dress then forget to return it, who doesn't borrow
your lipstick when he has the flu?