What parents must know about mental development

By Donya Betancourt

SANUR, Bali (JP): The first question you must ask yourself as a good parent is: what do you expect from your child? What do you want them to be?

Most parents will have similar answers. They want their child to have character and be happy and self-confident, with a healthy sense of self-esteem, independence, responsibility, as well as being creative, friendly and having a good sense of humor.

Of course, the list is quite positive, but it is important to understand that positive traits in children emerge naturally when a child is given much love and nurturing. It is also true that when a child is neglected or consistently ignored or badgered, their spirit and mind will fail to develop.

It is also true that children can be taught to recognize or read before they are ready. But there are always costs to pushing a child too hard and too early. The relationship between parents and children can become focused on intellectual success rather than emotional closeness and the child may neglect some area of their development to achieve one target area.

For example, if you push your child to read when they are two, you may succeed but your child may not learn to go out to run and play. The child may end up not getting along with other kids. Children develop best when their inborn talents and nurture are allowed to blossom at their own pace.

Babies by nature keep reaching to people and to things. Parents respond enthusiastically to their babies' development with declarations of love, repeat responses of hugs for comforting during misery and offer food to the child at times of hunger. These parents will give the baby a feeling of being well cared for and will build the foundation of "love and trust" which is basic to the development of further relationships with other people.

As toddlers, children improve their motor skills and are capable of actively moving away from parents and pursuing self- interest. Most toddlers insist on greater freedom in choosing play activities, food items and clothes, as well as individual styles for accomplishing tasks. They learn important information about how to approach new objects or situations and incorporate the feedback, whether positive or negative, for future reference.

Parents should encourage this independence in exploration, and be available for support or limited assistance to help modulate the child's level of frustration. As the preschooler becomes more aware of, and more comfortable with, independence and autonomy, an increasing effort to control the parents is attempted. Their activities test external limits and controls.

Although this is a healthy process, children need to learn to regulate their demands and wishes to conform to the rules, regulations and expectations of the family and society. Parents typically educate and control their children's behavior using discipline, which consist of a complex set of attitudes, behaviors and instructions to foster an internalization of appropriate ideas, values and behaviors.

Consistency, predictability, and a warm, affectionate and accepting relationship are keys to effective discipline. Parents act as role models for acceptable and expected behavior; how parents handle their own anger, affection and anxiety, and how they process and act in difficult situations will definitely affect the way their child responds to the same situations.

School-aged children develop cognitive, intellectual manner growth. When children begin to attend school they develop skill or work habits that promote a sense of competence. The process of "socialization" is greatly accelerated during this period, they learn to function outside the security and safety of the home. School-aged children develop a code of ethics and a sense of honesty among peers. Peers discourage lying and cheating through negative feedback. They learn that others evaluate them differently from family members; unconditional acceptance is not guaranteed.

They form a "conscious", which is a function of superego. Initially, the primitive conscious is determined by consequence of behavior, both positive and negative. Interaction with others allows the child to learn what sort of behavior creates certain responses.

Later, the child maintains behavior in accordance with the rules and regulations of others to maintain the support and affection of others. The next step emphasizes the intention of actions rather than outcome. Older children feel guilty when they intentionally break one cup but not so guilty when they accidentally break several cups. After this stage the child appreciates that the "right" behavior is expected.

In the final stage, individual children perceive themselves as part of society, with rights and responsibilities that must be balanced with the needs and rights of the group. One's sense of justice, morality and ethics broadens significantly. This is one example of how a healthy society is founded in a base of healthy children. As parents and caregivers, we must all do our best to insure a successful future.

The writer is a pediatrician based in Sanur, Bali. Questions? She can be reached at drdonya@hotmail.com or features@thejakartapost.com.