What parents must know about mental development

What parents must know about mental development

By Donya Betancourt

SANUR, Bali (JP): The first question you must ask yourself as
a good parent is: what do you expect from your child? What do you
want them to be?

Most parents will have similar answers. They want their child
to have character and be happy and self-confident, with a healthy
sense of self-esteem, independence, responsibility, as well as
being creative, friendly and having a good sense of humor.

Of course, the list is quite positive, but it is important to
understand that positive traits in children emerge naturally when
a child is given much love and nurturing. It is also true that
when a child is neglected or consistently ignored or badgered,
their spirit and mind will fail to develop.

It is also true that children can be taught to recognize or
read before they are ready. But there are always costs to pushing
a child too hard and too early. The relationship between parents
and children can become focused on intellectual success rather
than emotional closeness and the child may neglect some area of
their development to achieve one target area.

For example, if you push your child to read when they are two,
you may succeed but your child may not learn to go out to run and
play. The child may end up not getting along with other kids.
Children develop best when their inborn talents and nurture are
allowed to blossom at their own pace.

Babies by nature keep reaching to people and to things.
Parents respond enthusiastically to their babies' development
with declarations of love, repeat responses of hugs for
comforting during misery and offer food to the child at times of
hunger. These parents will give the baby a feeling of being well
cared for and will build the foundation of "love and trust" which
is basic to the development of further relationships with other
people.

As toddlers, children improve their motor skills and are
capable of actively moving away from parents and pursuing self-
interest. Most toddlers insist on greater freedom in choosing
play activities, food items and clothes, as well as individual
styles for accomplishing tasks. They learn important information
about how to approach new objects or situations and incorporate
the feedback, whether positive or negative, for future reference.

Parents should encourage this independence in exploration, and
be available for support or limited assistance to help modulate
the child's level of frustration. As the preschooler becomes more
aware of, and more comfortable with, independence and autonomy,
an increasing effort to control the parents is attempted. Their
activities test external limits and controls.

Although this is a healthy process, children need to learn to
regulate their demands and wishes to conform to the rules,
regulations and expectations of the family and society. Parents
typically educate and control their children's behavior using
discipline, which consist of a complex set of attitudes,
behaviors and instructions to foster an internalization of
appropriate ideas, values and behaviors.

Consistency, predictability, and a warm, affectionate and
accepting relationship are keys to effective discipline. Parents
act as role models for acceptable and expected behavior; how
parents handle their own anger, affection and anxiety, and how
they process and act in difficult situations will definitely
affect the way their child responds to the same situations.

School-aged children develop cognitive, intellectual manner
growth. When children begin to attend school they develop skill
or work habits that promote a sense of competence. The process of
"socialization" is greatly accelerated during this period, they
learn to function outside the security and safety of the home.
School-aged children develop a code of ethics and a sense of
honesty among peers. Peers discourage lying and cheating through
negative feedback. They learn that others evaluate them
differently from family members; unconditional acceptance is not
guaranteed.

They form a "conscious", which is a function of superego.
Initially, the primitive conscious is determined by consequence
of behavior, both positive and negative. Interaction with others
allows the child to learn what sort of behavior creates certain
responses.

Later, the child maintains behavior in accordance with the
rules and regulations of others to maintain the support and
affection of others. The next step emphasizes the intention of
actions rather than outcome. Older children feel guilty when they
intentionally break one cup but not so guilty when they
accidentally break several cups. After this stage the child
appreciates that the "right" behavior is expected.

In the final stage, individual children perceive themselves as
part of society, with rights and responsibilities that must be
balanced with the needs and rights of the group. One's sense of
justice, morality and ethics broadens significantly. This is one
example of how a healthy society is founded in a base of healthy
children. As parents and caregivers, we must all do our best to
insure a successful future.

The writer is a pediatrician based in Sanur, Bali. Questions?
She can be reached at drdonya@hotmail.com or
features@thejakartapost.com.