What it takes to make a marriage work

Marriage in Motion

By Richard Santon Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds

Perseus Publishing, Cambridge, Massachusetts, 2000

xx + 214 pp

Rp 264,000

JAKARTA (JP): All married people likely have experienced a time when their spouses keep a sour countenance when nothing seems to be wrong in their marital relationship. An air of estrangement fills the home and unless a proper way out is found, this situation may prove disastrous to the marriage.

When a man and a woman marry, two distinct minds try to form a bond, an endeavor far more difficult than simply engaging in sexual intercourse. These two minds may represent two microworlds which will be attuned to each other only when a two-way communication takes place between the husband and the wife.

Schwartz and Olds dwell on this relationship of the minds in a marriage. They liken a marriage to the ebb and flow of the sea; there are times when you feel estranged from your spouse but there are also times when you feel very close to him/her. Either way, your mastery of gauging the ebb and the flow in a marriage is the key to making sure it lasts.

The authors maintain that an alarm always sounds when there is something wrong in a marriage and that it is the woman who is more sensitive to this alarm. She is the keeper of this relationship; however, an alarm is of no use unless you know how to respond to it properly.

The book gives an example of how a husband and a wife can become estranged if they ignore the alarm. A husband refrains from sex with his wife because he does not want her to become pregnant. They have a 1-year-old toddler, whom the woman is devoted to. The husband, meanwhile, busies himself with a new hobby to forget his sexual desires.

When the child is 3 years old, the wife has more time, but at the same time she is enraged by the fact that for three years her husband could sexually manage without her. She cannot understand that her husband has done a great sacrifice to prevent her from getting pregnant every year.

She cannot understand how her husband can love her and at the same time do without her sexually for quite a long time. Their mistake is they cannot own up to each other to avoid this misunderstanding. They both sense the alarm of estrangement, but try to ignore it by assuming a "business-as-usual" attitude. The outcome is disastrous; their relationship cannot be mended and they seek a separation.

It is clear from this example that very often a husband or a wife means well but is misunderstood by their spouse simply because they do not want to open up to each other. You cannot gauge what is on your spouse's mind unless you talk it over with them. It is as simple as that, yet many marriages have collapsed because the people ignored this simple principle.

"For two people to take good care of a passionate relationship ... at least one of them must be able to hear the alarm bell ringing and say something about it ... there needs to be enough talk so that each person ... (won't feel) more martyred than the other" (p. 33).

A couple which can speak their minds will understand each other better and will, therefore, be better able to ward off disturbances harmful to their married life. Over the years, their marital relationship naturally ebbs and flows, but they can keep their passionate love and companionship aflame because "each cohort's experience of lasting connections is shaped by the ebb and flow of intimacy" (p. 97).

There is nothing constant in a marriage. The romantic love a couple experiences in the early years of their marriage will not remain throughout their married life. There is sometimes a likelihood of infidelity, especially when estrangement engulfs the couple and one of them begins to drift toward another party for lack of communication with his/her partner for life. In this case, jealousy in modest doses can serve as an early warning system that safeguards a relationship by alerting the partners before they find themselves "getting in too deep" with someone else (p. 45).

Aside from preventing the collapse of a marriage, positive jealousy can also awaken a couple from the carelessness of taking for granted that the intimacy in their relationship remains for ever, because "... sometimes it takes a crisis for us to remember how much another person means to us" (p. 49).

Jealousy will emerge when the married relationship is ebbing; it is an alarm that must be heeded or otherwise the marriage will end in disaster. Once you can properly respond to your feelings of jealousy you will be able to identify what is lacking in your marriage.

So if you believe in the natural ebb and flow of your marital relationship, you will understand that there is always a likelihood for a drift and that when this happens along with the outburst of your jealousy, it is time for you to check what must be mended in your marital relationship. It is important in this case to listen carefully to a spouse's alarm.

The book also dwells on what will happen to a marital relationship when children come between a couple. In some cases, the husband will devote more attention to the children than to his wife, and in other cases it is the other way around. In either case, estrangement may again occur, and if you think you hear the alarm ringing you should remember that "a healthy marriage is the most loving present that parents can give to their children" (p. 81).

Like people, marriages also grow and mature. Before coming to maturity, there are a number of hurdles in the way. The book wittily describes what your marriage is likely to be after a decade, in the middle years and then in the later years. In each period there are the comforts and discomforts of married life; unless you can really understand the ebbs and flows in each period you are likely to suffer depression, a very easy cause of marital estrangement. The two authors do not really give you tips; they simply want you to realize that there is nothing constant in your marriage and that once you can grasp its ebbs and flows you can assure yourself of a happy and lasting married life. Which brings us to what Shakespeare wrote: "Let me not to the marriage of true minds/Admit impediments." A successful marriage is indeed the marriage of true minds.

-- Lie Hua