'What do you think of one-parent households'

Monique Natalia, Contributor, Jakarta

With the divorce rate soaring, you wonder how it affects the children in a family. Most of them usually end up living with their mothers.

Several young people fess up to how they feel about being in a single-parent household, while others tell us about how they would deal with going it alone in bringing up their kids.

Titis, 22, Bogor, single-parent household: My father passed away 10 years ago when I was 12 years old. Since that day my mother has been taking care of me and my two sisters. She was even the one who took care of us financially, because my dad worked for a private company and he didn't get any pension.

I don't feel much different being in a single parent household after 12 years of living with both my mother and my father. Maybe it's because my father was always busy with his work so I didn't get much of a chance to see him around the house.

He would leave home every day at 6 a.m. and come home at about 6 p.m. I was already tired by then, well you know how kids are. So I was closer to my mother, because she had more time for me. But sometimes I still miss him, especially when I see my friends introducing their boyfriends to their fathers.

I think if my father was still around I would definitely be more spoiled. I probably wouldn't have bothered studying to pass the exam to get into a public university like University of Indonesia. I would probably have ended up at one of those expensive private universities because, with my father around, we would have had more financial support.

On the whole, I don't think that I am lacking in any way compared to kids who still have both parents. I really feel that my mother has done a great job raising the three of us. I mean, she only has a high school diploma and she worked as a government official, but she still managed to support all three of us, even spoil us once in a while.

She is still alone and not looking for another husband. She is a tough woman and I really admire her for that. I am motivated to become a tough woman just like her.

If I were faced with the choice of single parenting, I definitely would be able to take on all the responsibility. Just look at my mom; even with her situation she still managed to raise her three daughters successfully. My older sister is now studying to get her master's degree and I'm just finishing my bachelor's. I think that proves that she has done a great job in raising us.

Chuck, 19, Kuningan: My mom divorced my dad when I was two years old. After that she got married again. I hated my stepfather so much I wanted to run over him with my car. He used to beat me, either with a belt, bamboo stick, or whatever he could get his hands on. So I was glad when they finally got divorced.

To choose whether it is better for the kid to be raised in a single-parent household or a two-parent household, for me it depends on the parents. You know, are they good or bad parents? It also depends on how close you are to them.

Sometimes I still need a father figure, though, like my real father. But a stepfather is OK as long as he treats me respectfully. Right now I'm enjoying my situation because I'm freer since I only have to deal with one parent, but my mom still keeps me on a tight leash. Sometimes I feel really restricted at home, that's why I like to go out. My mom is strict but she won't admit it.

She also thinks that we're close but we are not that close really. Once in a while we have a good relationship but that's pretty rare. She tries to connect with me but it's not happening. I think it's because she has a one-track mind. She's blinded from reality. But, if I find something about how she is treating me that I don't like, I just come right out and say it.

I am part Chinese from my mom, and Chinese people respect their elders. But I'm only part Chinese so I only respect them if they respect me. When I was getting beaten by my stepfather on a regular basis, she (my mom) did nothing to defend me. That really hurt me.

Hopefully, I'll never have to face a situation where I have to be a single parent. I believe that a child needs to have both a mother and a father. But I guess that depends on how the family functions.

So if the family is not functioning very well, then it's probably better for the parents to be separated. It's never good for the child to have to see his parents fight all the time. When I have my own kids, I will avoid showing them my problems with my wife because at the earlier stages of life, children really learn a lot, they take in a lot.

Parents should try to show life as best as they can for their kids. On the whole, I think being in a single-parent relationship has its good and bad sides. It's good because you have one less parent to hassle you!

Aryo, 19, Bogor, two-parent household: It definitely would be very different for a child to be in a single-parent household than to be in a "normal" household.

With two parents, the mother and father can share their responsibilities and their duties. But it also depends on the parents I guess, whether they have time or not for their kids. So even if it's a two-parent household but both parents are the type that are always very busy with their work and they have no time for their kids, that's not good.

I think being in a single-parent household is good if it makes you more independent. Most of the time, the child stays with the mother, and if it is a girl it's good because she can look up to her mother to find a role model.

But if the child happens to be a boy, he needs a father figure and if he can't find it in his family, he will learn from a father figure that he finds outside the family.

It's good because it will make him stronger and more independent. But there is still a risk that he will get a negative influence from the not so good side of society. Take a teenage boy who's starting to date, for example, if he doesn't have a father to ask about how he should treat his date and so on, then he will look to his friends for answers. They will give a completely different answer than the one he would get from his dad.

In the case of a divorce, the child, when he or she grows up, might have a pessimistic view about marriage, especially if the divorce was very painful for them. In the worst cases, they will become traumatized and this will make them think twice about getting married. It can be a lesson for them to have a better marriage or it can be the reason not to get married.

It's tough to be a single parent. Men and women have very different views about things, and what I experience from my parents is that the differences complement each other. For me personally, if I was a single parent, I think that I wouldn't be able to give my child complete knowledge about the world. Because I think a child needs to learn it both from the male and female point of view.

Nicole, 16, South Jakarta: My mom and dad have been separated for about four years, but the divorce only came through this year. And I have been living with my dad for three years now.

I'm lucky that I have a good relationship with my dad, but sometimes I still need a mother. It's been a bad marriage for a long time so I am not disillusioned that it's going to work. But it was still a shock when it happened. It's hard when you see a family with the mom and the dad going out to dinner with their kids or at special occasions like Christmas. My parents are still friends though, so that's good.

Before it was really hard, especially since I was in a new school. So I prefer to keep my life at home and my life in school separate; I prefer to keep my problems private. But now I realize that it's better for my parents to be separated.

The good thing about being in a single-parent household is that you can get closer to the parent that's living with you. You learn their good and bad sides, and you learn to live with it. I still consider myself lucky though -- a lot of people have it worse. The mother of one of my friends killed herself, so I'm lucky that both my parents are still alive.

They also treat me with respect so I respect them back. We also get along better now because everyone is under a lot less stress. I didn't really choose which parent I wanted to be with. Instead I chose to live here because I like the school. Now my mom lives in Wales.

Actually, I also prefer living with my dad because we have more of a friend-friend relationship than a father-daughter one.

A two-parent household is also good because you need the male side and the female side to have a balance between the two. But it has to be a good marriage, because it's important to have a good environment when you grow up.

If I was faced with the situation of being a single parent, it would not be a problem. You just have to keep on going. You can't give up. It's the only way to grow emotionally. You have to deal with your problems and get on with your life. Having gone through a divorce in the family changes your view about marriage. You become more careful, and you also learn to be more critical. If I find the right person, there has to be a long period before we get married.

Lia, 17, West Jakarta, (two-parent household): I know that today there are more kids who live with only one parent because I have friends who are in that same situation. Even though they don't want to admit it, I know that living in a single-parent household can be really hard.

I guess it's different if you were born into a family with only one parent, but if you have lived, say, half your life with both parents, then I'm sure you will eventually miss having the other parent around.

I am really thankful that I still have both my parents. Every night I pray that it will always be like this. Sometimes you don't realize how great your life is until you meet someone with a much bigger problem than not being allowed to go out at night.

I think if I have to compare which is the more effective in bringing up a child, then I would have to say that it's the two- parent household. With both parents still around, the child can get all the support and attention he or she needs. It also makes up the balance that you need when you grow up. You know, how sometimes a mother can be very forgiving and permissive while the father is usually more strict. With the two together, you get a perfect balance.

I think I could handle being a single parent. I just have to be stronger to be able to show my kids a good life. I know that it's going to be hard, but I would try my best to be both a mother and a father to my kids.

Donnie, 15, East Jakarta, two-parent household: I don't really see the difference in growing up in a single-parent household or a two-parent household.

Both my parents are still alive, but I am much closer to my mom. My dad is never around. He's like a workaholic, he goes to work when I'm still asleep and comes back when I've gone to bed. Sometimes he even works on weekends, so I hardly see him. Sometimes, I even feel like I only have one parent.

But I'm not saying that my father is a bad father. I know that he works hard like that to be able to support my family and I respect him for it. It's just that with all the time he spends away, I become much closer to my mother. I know it's weird that a guy is closer to his mother than to his father, but that's how I am with my mom. I can talk to her about anything because she is very understanding.

She also respects my privacy, so when I come home looking like I have a huge problem, she won't bother me with annoying questions, like trying to coax me into telling her or something. She would just let me tell her when I'm ready.

Don't get me wrong, though, I love them both but somehow I feel a closer bond with my mom. And I also think that she's done a great job in raising me.

Personally, I don't think I would be able to handle being a single parent. Because being a single parent means that you have to think about how to provide them with your love, care and attention, as well as financially. And I don't know how I'd go about doing both.