'What do you think of one-parent households'

'What do you think of one-parent households'

Monique Natalia, Contributor, Jakarta

With the divorce rate soaring, you wonder how it affects the
children in a family. Most of them usually end up living with
their mothers.

Several young people fess up to how they feel about being in a
single-parent household, while others tell us about how they
would deal with going it alone in bringing up their kids.

Titis, 22, Bogor, single-parent household: My father passed
away 10 years ago when I was 12 years old. Since that day my
mother has been taking care of me and my two sisters. She was
even the one who took care of us financially, because my dad
worked for a private company and he didn't get any pension.

I don't feel much different being in a single parent household
after 12 years of living with both my mother and my father. Maybe
it's because my father was always busy with his work so I didn't
get much of a chance to see him around the house.

He would leave home every day at 6 a.m. and come home at about
6 p.m. I was already tired by then, well you know how kids are.
So I was closer to my mother, because she had more time for me.
But sometimes I still miss him, especially when I see my friends
introducing their boyfriends to their fathers.

I think if my father was still around I would definitely be
more spoiled. I probably wouldn't have bothered studying to pass
the exam to get into a public university like University of
Indonesia. I would probably have ended up at one of those
expensive private universities because, with my father around, we
would have had more financial support.

On the whole, I don't think that I am lacking in any way
compared to kids who still have both parents. I really feel that
my mother has done a great job raising the three of us. I mean,
she only has a high school diploma and she worked as a government
official, but she still managed to support all three of us, even
spoil us once in a while.

She is still alone and not looking for another husband. She is
a tough woman and I really admire her for that. I am motivated to
become a tough woman just like her.

If I were faced with the choice of single parenting, I
definitely would be able to take on all the responsibility. Just
look at my mom; even with her situation she still managed to
raise her three daughters successfully. My older sister is now
studying to get her master's degree and I'm just finishing my
bachelor's. I think that proves that she has done a great job in
raising us.

Chuck, 19, Kuningan: My mom divorced my dad when I was two
years old. After that she got married again. I hated my
stepfather so much I wanted to run over him with my car. He used
to beat me, either with a belt, bamboo stick, or whatever he
could get his hands on. So I was glad when they finally got
divorced.

To choose whether it is better for the kid to be raised in a
single-parent household or a two-parent household, for me it
depends on the parents. You know, are they good or bad parents?
It also depends on how close you are to them.

Sometimes I still need a father figure, though, like my real
father. But a stepfather is OK as long as he treats me
respectfully. Right now I'm enjoying my situation because I'm
freer since I only have to deal with one parent, but my mom still
keeps me on a tight leash. Sometimes I feel really restricted at
home, that's why I like to go out. My mom is strict but she won't
admit it.

She also thinks that we're close but we are not that close
really. Once in a while we have a good relationship but that's
pretty rare. She tries to connect with me but it's not happening.
I think it's because she has a one-track mind. She's blinded from
reality. But, if I find something about how she is treating me
that I don't like, I just come right out and say it.

I am part Chinese from my mom, and Chinese people respect
their elders. But I'm only part Chinese so I only respect them if
they respect me. When I was getting beaten by my stepfather on a
regular basis, she (my mom) did nothing to defend me. That really
hurt me.

Hopefully, I'll never have to face a situation where I have to
be a single parent. I believe that a child needs to have both a
mother and a father. But I guess that depends on how the family
functions.

So if the family is not functioning very well, then it's
probably better for the parents to be separated. It's never good
for the child to have to see his parents fight all the time. When
I have my own kids, I will avoid showing them my problems with my
wife because at the earlier stages of life, children really learn
a lot, they take in a lot.

Parents should try to show life as best as they can for their
kids. On the whole, I think being in a single-parent relationship
has its good and bad sides. It's good because you have one less
parent to hassle you!

Aryo, 19, Bogor, two-parent household: It definitely would be
very different for a child to be in a single-parent household
than to be in a "normal" household.

With two parents, the mother and father can share their
responsibilities and their duties. But it also depends on the
parents I guess, whether they have time or not for their kids. So
even if it's a two-parent household but both parents are the type
that are always very busy with their work and they have no time
for their kids, that's not good.

I think being in a single-parent household is good if it makes
you more independent. Most of the time, the child stays with the
mother, and if it is a girl it's good because she can look up to
her mother to find a role model.

But if the child happens to be a boy, he needs a father figure
and if he can't find it in his family, he will learn from a
father figure that he finds outside the family.

It's good because it will make him stronger and more
independent. But there is still a risk that he will get a
negative influence from the not so good side of society. Take a
teenage boy who's starting to date, for example, if he doesn't
have a father to ask about how he should treat his date and so
on, then he will look to his friends for answers. They will give
a completely different answer than the one he would get from his
dad.

In the case of a divorce, the child, when he or she grows up,
might have a pessimistic view about marriage, especially if the
divorce was very painful for them. In the worst cases, they will
become traumatized and this will make them think twice about
getting married. It can be a lesson for them to have a better
marriage or it can be the reason not to get married.

It's tough to be a single parent. Men and women have very
different views about things, and what I experience from my
parents is that the differences complement each other. For me
personally, if I was a single parent, I think that I wouldn't be
able to give my child complete knowledge about the world. Because
I think a child needs to learn it both from the male and female
point of view.

Nicole, 16, South Jakarta: My mom and dad have been separated
for about four years, but the divorce only came through this
year. And I have been living with my dad for three years now.

I'm lucky that I have a good relationship with my dad, but
sometimes I still need a mother. It's been a bad marriage for a
long time so I am not disillusioned that it's going to work. But
it was still a shock when it happened. It's hard when you see a
family with the mom and the dad going out to dinner with their
kids or at special occasions like Christmas. My parents are still
friends though, so that's good.

Before it was really hard, especially since I was in a new
school. So I prefer to keep my life at home and my life in school
separate; I prefer to keep my problems private. But now I realize
that it's better for my parents to be separated.

The good thing about being in a single-parent household is
that you can get closer to the parent that's living with you. You
learn their good and bad sides, and you learn to live with it. I
still consider myself lucky though -- a lot of people have it
worse. The mother of one of my friends killed herself, so I'm
lucky that both my parents are still alive.

They also treat me with respect so I respect them back. We
also get along better now because everyone is under a lot less
stress. I didn't really choose which parent I wanted to be with.
Instead I chose to live here because I like the school. Now my
mom lives in Wales.

Actually, I also prefer living with my dad because we have
more of a friend-friend relationship than a father-daughter one.

A two-parent household is also good because you need the male
side and the female side to have a balance between the two. But
it has to be a good marriage, because it's important to have a
good environment when you grow up.

If I was faced with the situation of being a single parent, it
would not be a problem. You just have to keep on going. You can't
give up. It's the only way to grow emotionally. You have to deal
with your problems and get on with your life. Having gone through
a divorce in the family changes your view about marriage. You
become more careful, and you also learn to be more critical. If I
find the right person, there has to be a long period before we
get married.

Lia, 17, West Jakarta, (two-parent household): I know that
today there are more kids who live with only one parent because I
have friends who are in that same situation. Even though they
don't want to admit it, I know that living in a single-parent
household can be really hard.

I guess it's different if you were born into a family with
only one parent, but if you have lived, say, half your life with
both parents, then I'm sure you will eventually miss having the
other parent around.

I am really thankful that I still have both my parents. Every
night I pray that it will always be like this. Sometimes you
don't realize how great your life is until you meet someone with
a much bigger problem than not being allowed to go out at night.

I think if I have to compare which is the more effective in
bringing up a child, then I would have to say that it's the two-
parent household. With both parents still around, the child can
get all the support and attention he or she needs. It also makes
up the balance that you need when you grow up. You know, how
sometimes a mother can be very forgiving and permissive while the
father is usually more strict. With the two together, you get a
perfect balance.

I think I could handle being a single parent. I just have to
be stronger to be able to show my kids a good life. I know that
it's going to be hard, but I would try my best to be both a
mother and a father to my kids.

Donnie, 15, East Jakarta, two-parent household: I don't really
see the difference in growing up in a single-parent household or
a two-parent household.

Both my parents are still alive, but I am much closer to my
mom. My dad is never around. He's like a workaholic, he goes to
work when I'm still asleep and comes back when I've gone to bed.
Sometimes he even works on weekends, so I hardly see him.
Sometimes, I even feel like I only have one parent.

But I'm not saying that my father is a bad father. I know that
he works hard like that to be able to support my family and I
respect him for it. It's just that with all the time he spends
away, I become much closer to my mother. I know it's weird that a
guy is closer to his mother than to his father, but that's how I
am with my mom. I can talk to her about anything because she is
very understanding.

She also respects my privacy, so when I come home looking like
I have a huge problem, she won't bother me with annoying
questions, like trying to coax me into telling her or something.
She would just let me tell her when I'm ready.

Don't get me wrong, though, I love them both but somehow I
feel a closer bond with my mom. And I also think that she's done
a great job in raising me.

Personally, I don't think I would be able to handle being a
single parent. Because being a single parent means that you have
to think about how to provide them with your love, care and
attention, as well as financially. And I don't know how I'd go
about doing both.