Vulnerable

Korrie Layun Rampan

The clouds moved, forming a shape like a gulf. Vague lines resembled a whirlpool. The mass of shifting clouds seemed to compose the music of flowing water mingling with the hubbub of a city, a thunderous symphony into which the gentleness of the sun sank at twilight.

He gazed far into the distance. Young roots and the leaves of primping trees rustled, obscurely waving a greeting. The wind gently swept through the trees. The clear sound of a flute traveled in the, sounding like the reflection of the pristine water of a forest lake. The gulf in the sky continued to move, flat and affectionate, resembling a vague sketch heading north.

It almost perfectly represented a whole memory -- the curved line of a gulf and an incident many years ago.

"Lost in thought?" the man said.

The woman could hardly respond. She raised her glass and looked at him seated opposite her.

"You're lost in thought, too?" she said, sipping her drink. "You have been gazing at the clouds ..."

"I have been thinking about something difficult, In. I had never expected you would pick me up at the hotel."

"Why? You've always been a worrier, plagued by doubts."

The man kept quiet. The clear voice of Mariah Carey resonated from the cassette player close to the cashier.

"I'm always held back by my hesitation. Sometimes I regret my own stupidity -- a quick thinker but slow acting!"

The plush restaurant was deserted except for them.

The woman gazed deep into the man's eyes.

"I'm also foolish," the woman said with an obvious tone of regret. "I was too rash when I made my decision. I had not thought about it long and hard."

A look of surprise appeared on the man's face. "So, you also feel the effects of leaving me?"

"As a woman, yes. As a woman I found my independence although I actually need someone to support me."

"A husband or someone from down memory lane, In? If it's not me, your children or ..."

The woman's eyes came alive as she cut short Wilmar's sentence.

"I've found strength in your writings in magazines and newspapers, also in your book that I bought a few days ago."

A wave of bitterness surged through the man.

"So, you have been reading my stories?"

"I found something missing from myself and I recovered this in your poetic, pithy sentences. Nobody knows that you are telling a story about us."

Wilmar took a deep breath.

"I hope everybody will realize it although, in fact, this is known only to us. Before you told me you also knew it, I thought I was the only person who knew it."

"That's because you are always in doubt. But your sentences show strength. I know that although you are hesitant in action, you have your own conviction. Your words and your sentences are always devoted to me, to us!"

The man sipped his drink.

"Poverty barred me from giving my love to you and asking you to marry me. Money always comes too late in my case. Even now, after twenty years of saving, I still cannot afford to pay for my lost happiness."

"Me, too, Wil'. I also ...."

The woman's beautiful smooth neck was still like it was over two decades ago. To the man's ears, her voice was a heavenly serenade.

"I never knew that, In. Are you being cynical?"

"Cynical? What about?"

"Happiness."

"Happiness?"

"My job brought me here. I knew you were here. Several times I wanted to phone you but I always said no, I shouldn't disrupt your happiness. What would your husband say?"

The woman sat in silence.

"But today, I could no longer stop myself from dialing your number. I've always kept it in ...."

"You keep my phone number?"

"Yes, in the very bottom of my heart -- I also keep thoughts of you in my entire life, night and day."

The woman curled her lips slightly, a perfect line in a naturalist painting.

"I know that although you have never asked for my hand in marriage, your heart expressed it. There is the warmth and intimacy of love in your letters. I thought I could forget you after I made my choice and had a good married life. But I was totally wrong. Money has no heart and soul. Money is unfeeling.

"I have read your letters time and again. They are full of passion and life. They seem to present a satire to me about true love!"

"Extraordinary," the man finally said. "You have kept my letters and read them time and again?"

"That's my only happiness. My only consolation comes from your passionate words. Given my present condition, you may not understand my situation, Wil'. You may think I am just a cheap woman who is ready to come and pick you up in a hotel ..."

"I used to consider myself worthless ...."

"But you are a university graduate. You are a man. You must enjoy happiness with the woman of your choice."

"I've told you what's in my heart, In. I have telephoned you and asked you to dinner. This is the first time we have been together like this and it may also be the last. I've never expected you to be cynical to me about happiness .... I never expected you would agree to my invitation. As you put it, I'm always overcome by doubt."

The woman sat in rapt attention, seemingly carefully digesting the man's words. Only the voice of the man was heard.

"This is the happiest time for me."

"You have never told me you love me. But your heart has said it loud and clear, so I have missed you. I never expected to get a phone call from you. I waited for twenty years for the call and I got it just a short while ago. I believe this is the happiest moment for me. Although you do not say it, I will say that I ...."

"Love you!" they said in harmony, their eyes locking.

"I have fought against myself, In. If only we could turn the clock back, I know we could be like this all the time. With our children. By the way, how many children do you have?"

"Four? You?" the woman looked hard at the man. He was still the same Wilmar she knew twenty years ago, only the lines of maturity made a difference.

"Four, too. Unfortunately, they are from my wife."

"Not from me?"

"Yes ..."

"I used to wish that I could give birth to your children, Wil'. A long time ago. But, like in the lines you wrote a month after I made the decision to get married, 'I'm left alone. You have departed with time'. It was my own personal disaster and then I had no other choice but to give birth to my husband's children."

The man took another deep breath.

"I have never triumphed in life," he said, uncertainly. "If this life were a game or some kind of gamble, I never won even once. How could a high school graduate compete with a university graduate? I was just in my third year of high school when I heard about your marriage. When I was a university freshman, you already had one child. If only I had had my university degree, I would have proposed marriage. We could have lived frugally until I graduated. But I did not think, then, that you would want to live a poor life ..."

"You didn't ask me to wait. You just kept quiet while I was getting older," the woman said, almost unwillingly. "If only we could turn the clock back, well, I believe I could live even the poorest life with you."

"I don't think you would ever live this kind of life. How can you live with someone who survives simply on his own idealism. Only now do I realize I have been living a dream. All my plans have crumbled. They are gone now. My wealth can never make me forget that I was really loved by a woman that I also loved."

Tears began to well in the woman's eyes.

"I have been in a hollow fight. True, In, you have never felt the bitterness of fighting for emptiness!?"

"I'm here now, Wil'. If it had not been your voice, I would not have complied. All my life I would never have had the courage to do this if the invitation came from another man. I know I made a mistake when I agreed to marry my husband so I will never allow myself to make a similar mistake. But I have not kept my word because the invitation came from you, a man that I waited for ...."

"Thanks. I know you and your husband have a good reputation in this town. I thought you were happy but .... "

"You know now my situation now, Wil."

The waitress interrupted with their food, piling plates on the table. Silence hung like a dark cloud over them as they ate. The memory of a strange incident returned simultaneously to them. It happened about three decades earlier on the sandy cliff of Ipu Cove, one of the hundreds of coves along Kedang Pahu, a small river in Kampung Damai, West Kutai. A whirlpool, gliding freshwater fish, a bait and a hook, and the two of them, alone at twilight at the edge of the cove.

The moment the fish grabbed the bait, the sandy riverbank gave way, sending the two of them into the shallow water.

All of a sudden, the two were locked in a tight embrace, overwhelmed by desire. Eventually, she broke free, her face blushing. Now, the same man -- mature and wise -- sat before her.

"Got to leave now, Wil'. Sorry, I've forgotten something back home. But, Wilmar, I'm very happy."

The man was stunned.

"Finish your meal. While you are in town, use my car. If you leave town, just leave the car with the receptionist. This meeting is worth more than all diamonds in the world. I'll be waiting for your call."

The man was still stunned when Indri disappeared in a taxi. It was the same feeling he had when he let her go from his embrace at Ipu Cove, and how he felt when he learned she was married.

All the romantic nostalgia that had unfolded in his head abruptly disappeared. He saw before him a table full of dirty dishes. He was alone.

He back to his hotel and hurriedly checked out. Lugging his suitcase, he got into the Mercedes and drove recklessly to the airport to catch the last flight. He left the car with Mohammad, his boyhood friend who was now the airport administrator. Mohammad would take the car back to Indri.

When the plane took off, he caught sight a bright flash of light and a thick spiral of smoke billowing from the northern part of the town. Was the town on fire? Was it an explosion in a power plant? He did not care -- all he could think about was Indri's hurried departure from the table, her declaration of being happy.

His spirit crushed, he returned to his home in Jakarta.

"Mrs. is in the hospital. There was just a call for you, sir. She had an accident," the maid told him breathlessly the moment he arrived home. "She is in the ICU ... I answered the phone and said you were out of Java on business, accompanying the minister. But Den Imas ... The four ...."

Inem started sobbing.

He slumped on the sofa. The house was quiet. Suddenly, his mind traveled to Indri.

She had come home to find the street filled with people and her house gutted by fire. In her shock, her first thoughts turned to her husband and children. They were nowhere to be found.

Amid the crowd, emptiness and solitude prevailed, just like the curved line of the cove as the tide ebbed.

Everything and everyone was vulnerable, crushed to smithereens in a moment.

Translated by Lie Hua Note:

* Den (Jv) - a form of address