Understanding when kids take others' things

Donya Betancourt, Pediatrician, drdonya@hotmail.com

A common behavioral problem parents may face with their child is stealing, simply defined as taking another person's property without permission.

Most children have a basic understanding of "mine" and "not mine" by the age of two. Very young children usually take things that interest them. This should not be regarded as stealing.

Typically at three to five years, children begin to understand that taking things that belong to someone else is wrong. Youngsters generally take things that interest them at the moment, whereas older children will become possessive and take them "for keeps."

No matter what the age the child should be educated about stealing from the start, even before the child can understand the complexities of theft. A child must be told repeatedly that stealing, in general, is not an acceptable behavior.

The fact is this is also a trust issue and the true understanding of stealing does not begin to play a part until about age five or seven. A child's ability to make conscience decisions and experience feelings of guilt does not develop until the middle childhood years, consequently children generally stop stealing because they do not want to disappoint their parents.

Children steal for a number of reasons. Some children steal to achieve instant gratification. Others steal to gain a sense of power, or to impress their peers or to get attention. Other reasons can be taking revenge on someone who has hurt them, boredom and as a way to express unresolved feelings of anger or fear.

Children who steal are often expressing displaced feelings of anxiety, rage, or alienation resulting from a disruption in their life, such as their parents' divorce or remarriage.

A child who is caught stealing for the first time should be treated compassionately; the main focus should be on the reason(s) for the act rather than on the act itself. Parents, teachers, or other adult care givers need to discern if the child lacks self-control, is angry (and with whom), needs attention, is bored, feels pressured by peers to cross boundaries, feels or is alienated from her or his community, has poor self esteem, or needs to develop more positive moral values.

A habitual stealer is expressing a serious internal problem that needs close attention. Children at risk of becoming habitual stealers are individuals with low self-esteem; strong desires and weak self-control (impulsive); a lack of sensitivity to others, or who are angry, bored, or disconnected; spend a great deal of time alone; or have recently experienced a significant disruption in their lives.

Stealing is a behavior problem, not a character problem. The behavior can be corrected if the underlying difficulty is resolved.

Parents are also role models. If you come home with stationary or pens from the office or brag about a mistake at the supermarket checkout counter, your lessons about honesty will be a lot harder for your child to understand.

When you find that your child has stolen, you should tell the child that stealing is not an acceptable behavior and help the child return the stolen object. This is when parents must resist the temptation to blame and shame the child. The focus at this point is the act of stealing and property boundaries in society.

When the child has paid for or returned the stolen merchandise, the matter should not be brought up again by the parents, so that the child can begin again with a "clean slate."

If stealing is persistent or accompanied by other problem behaviors or symptoms, the stealing may be a sign of more serious problems in the child's emotional development or problems in the family. Children who repeatedly steal may also have difficulty trusting others and forming close relationships.

The typical treatment of children who become compulsive thieves and liars is to set out trust mechanisms with the family in order to have the child feel safe, accepted and loved. Once this is achieved the chances are much greater that the ill- behaved child will explain itself and reframe their behavior to meet the family mores.