Tracing the process of knowing oneself

By Mochtar Buchori

JAKARTA (JP): Wise people say that real knowledge about oneself does not come automatically. Nor does it come with age alone. Accurate understanding of oneself can be acquired only through persistent attempts to discover the motivations underlying important decisions in one's life. Without such attempts we will never know who we really are. We will have only belief about what and who we would like to be.

The biggest obstacle towards understanding ourselves is that our "self" is not a constant entity. It is constantly moving, constantly changing, and we constantly have to review our self to know who we are at any given stage of our personal development.

Our self at the age of 18 and our self at the age of 50, for instance, are not the same self. But, despite the differences between these two selves, there must be something that connects them. Each of us changes during our lifetimes, yet the core of our self remains basically the same. If we fail to preserve and develop this core, then we just have no self. We have no "character identity".

How does this gradual process of knowing ourself take place?

According to one of my teachers, steps in this process occur every time we are faced with a critical situation in life. During such moments we ask ourselves, "What shall I do?" We face two possibilities; we either just make decisions without much deliberation, or we weigh the available options very carefully. These two different modes of responding determine whether we will get close to knowing ourselves or whether we will remain ignorant of our true self.

There are also other events in our life that prompt us towards self-understanding. In my case, there have been moments when questions concerning myself would just come to mind. I did not deliberately ask these questions. They just slipped into my mind. They did not fade away until I seriously pondered them. And some of these questions were disturbing. When a question came up, for instance, that forced me to look into my past and made me see myself in one silly episode -- such a question is embarrassing, disturbing, and can even be painful.

Examples of questions that do not disturb include the following: Why did I enter the teaching profession? Why did I come back to Indonesia in 1957, and not stay in the United States? Why did I gradually distance myself from the bureaucracy? What shall I do: keep writing columns or plunge into politics?

And here is an example of an embarrassing question: Why was I once so infatuated with a girl who was hopelessly illiterate culturally, and doggedly pursued her in spite of the very clear signs that she did not want me? There are, of course, still other examples of embarrassing questions, but I would rather keep them as "petty secrets" known only to my wife and myself.

Embarrassing or not embarrassing, such questions have to be answered honestly. There are temptations, of course, just to brush aside embarrassing questions. Such a response will not get us any closer to our self; we will remain a stranger to our self. Facing embarrassing questions squarely and courageously, painful as they may be, is the only way towards really knowing ourselves, coming to terms with our true self.

At first glance, questions about ourselves which come at different intervals of our lives may look unrelated. But if we consider each of these questions earnestly, we will realize that they are not only related, but interrelated. To me, all these questions are entry points to self-understanding, to comprehending the personal value system that has regulated my life.

This level of self-understanding can be reached only after deep and honest soul-searching which, as I said above, can be painful at times. Every honest process of self-analysis is painful. Saying prayers, done wholeheartedly, can also be painful and relieving at the same time.

How do we know whether an answer or explanation we choose at any given moment is honest or not? The simple guide in this case is whether we feel comfortable with the answer or explanation of our choice. If we feel comfortable, then we can at least be assured momentarily that we are being honest.

On the other hand, if we feel uneasy with a given answer or explanation, then it is a sign that we are still trying not to see certain parts of our true self. Again, the ultimate question we are facing here is whether or not we are willing to accept our self with all its pretty and ugly sides. Moments like this are "moments of truth" in our lives.

What difference does it make whether we understand and accept ourselves wholly or partially?

It makes a big difference. It is ultimately related to the problem of personal integrity. People who wholly accept and understand their true self will show consistency in all their deeds and ideas. People without sufficient understanding about themselves and who do not accept themselves entirely will show inconsistencies throughout their lives. They will either show signs of hypocrisy, in which their deeds do not always match with their words, or they will become erratic, changing their minds every time they are confronted to a dilemmatic situation.

The difference between knowing oneself and having integrity on the one hand, and not knowing oneself and being inconsistent in life on the other, has serious implications for those with positions capable of affecting public welfare. In times of crisis, people with integrity make swift decisions and bear full responsibility of their decisions. People without such personal integrity hesitate during moments of crisis, changing decisions every now and then. People with integrity make decisions on the basis of considerations regarding public welfare. People without integrity make decisions on the basis of considerations regarding personal welfare.

The solution for the crises that are now happening in Lima, Hebron, Seoul, and Belgrade, to mention but a few, will show the extent to which the leaders in these places are guided by the understanding of the problem, understanding their people, and understanding themselves. And the solution of sporadic flare-ups that have happened in our country lately will also tell the same story.

The writer is an observer of social and cultural affairs.