Tracing the process of knowing oneself

Tracing the process of knowing oneself

By Mochtar Buchori

JAKARTA (JP): Wise people say that real knowledge about
oneself does not come automatically. Nor does it come with age
alone. Accurate understanding of oneself can be acquired only
through persistent attempts to discover the motivations
underlying important decisions in one's life. Without such
attempts we will never know who we really are. We will have only
belief about what and who we would like to be.

The biggest obstacle towards understanding ourselves is that
our "self" is not a constant entity. It is constantly moving,
constantly changing, and we constantly have to review our self to
know who we are at any given stage of our personal development.

Our self at the age of 18 and our self at the age of 50, for
instance, are not the same self. But, despite the differences
between these two selves, there must be something that connects
them. Each of us changes during our lifetimes, yet the core of
our self remains basically the same. If we fail to preserve and
develop this core, then we just have no self. We have no
"character identity".

How does this gradual process of knowing ourself take place?

According to one of my teachers, steps in this process occur
every time we are faced with a critical situation in life. During
such moments we ask ourselves, "What shall I do?" We face two
possibilities; we either just make decisions without much
deliberation, or we weigh the available options very carefully.
These two different modes of responding determine whether we will
get close to knowing ourselves or whether we will remain ignorant
of our true self.

There are also other events in our life that prompt us towards
self-understanding. In my case, there have been moments when
questions concerning myself would just come to mind. I did not
deliberately ask these questions. They just slipped into my mind.
They did not fade away until I seriously pondered them. And some
of these questions were disturbing. When a question came up, for
instance, that forced me to look into my past and made me see
myself in one silly episode -- such a question is embarrassing,
disturbing, and can even be painful.

Examples of questions that do not disturb include the
following: Why did I enter the teaching profession? Why did I
come back to Indonesia in 1957, and not stay in the United
States? Why did I gradually distance myself from the bureaucracy?
What shall I do: keep writing columns or plunge into politics?

And here is an example of an embarrassing question: Why was I
once so infatuated with a girl who was hopelessly illiterate
culturally, and doggedly pursued her in spite of the very clear
signs that she did not want me? There are, of course, still other
examples of embarrassing questions, but I would rather keep them
as "petty secrets" known only to my wife and myself.

Embarrassing or not embarrassing, such questions have to be
answered honestly. There are temptations, of course, just to
brush aside embarrassing questions. Such a response will not get
us any closer to our self; we will remain a stranger to our self.
Facing embarrassing questions squarely and courageously, painful
as they may be, is the only way towards really knowing ourselves,
coming to terms with our true self.

At first glance, questions about ourselves which come at
different intervals of our lives may look unrelated. But if we
consider each of these questions earnestly, we will realize that
they are not only related, but interrelated. To me, all these
questions are entry points to self-understanding, to
comprehending the personal value system that has regulated my
life.

This level of self-understanding can be reached only after
deep and honest soul-searching which, as I said above, can be
painful at times. Every honest process of self-analysis is
painful. Saying prayers, done wholeheartedly, can also be painful
and relieving at the same time.

How do we know whether an answer or explanation we choose at
any given moment is honest or not? The simple guide in this case
is whether we feel comfortable with the answer or explanation of
our choice. If we feel comfortable, then we can at least be
assured momentarily that we are being honest.

On the other hand, if we feel uneasy with a given answer or
explanation, then it is a sign that we are still trying not to
see certain parts of our true self. Again, the ultimate question
we are facing here is whether or not we are willing to accept our
self with all its pretty and ugly sides. Moments like this are
"moments of truth" in our lives.

What difference does it make whether we understand and accept
ourselves wholly or partially?

It makes a big difference. It is ultimately related to the
problem of personal integrity. People who wholly accept and
understand their true self will show consistency in all their
deeds and ideas. People without sufficient understanding about
themselves and who do not accept themselves entirely will show
inconsistencies throughout their lives. They will either show
signs of hypocrisy, in which their deeds do not always match with
their words, or they will become erratic, changing their minds
every time they are confronted to a dilemmatic situation.

The difference between knowing oneself and having integrity on
the one hand, and not knowing oneself and being inconsistent in
life on the other, has serious implications for those with
positions capable of affecting public welfare. In times of
crisis, people with integrity make swift decisions and bear full
responsibility of their decisions. People without such personal
integrity hesitate during moments of crisis, changing decisions
every now and then. People with integrity make decisions on the
basis of considerations regarding public welfare. People without
integrity make decisions on the basis of considerations regarding
personal welfare.

The solution for the crises that are now happening in Lima,
Hebron, Seoul, and Belgrade, to mention but a few, will show the
extent to which the leaders in these places are guided by the
understanding of the problem, understanding their people, and
understanding themselves. And the solution of sporadic flare-ups
that have happened in our country lately will also tell the same
story.

The writer is an observer of social and cultural affairs.