Tough 'competition' a reality faced by working mothers

Tough 'competition' a reality faced by working mothers

Yoyoh Hulaiyah Hafidz, Jakarta

As Women's Day, which falls on Dec. 22, approaches, my
thoughts go to an incident that happened in an orphanage that I
recently visited with my son and other kindergarten pupils. The
visit was organized by the school and was also attended by all
the teachers of the kindergarten and some of the mothers.

The children, aged between three and five years old, were
listening intently to a speech delivered by the head of the
orphanage, a man in his 40s. He was trying to impress upon the
children how fortunate they were to have parents, unlike their
friends from the orphanage.

"Kids, you are lucky because you still have your mommy and
your daddy with you, while your friends here have no parents. You
can ask your mommy and daddy to buy you toys, food, take you to
the park, to the mall, to the beach, to the mountains etc. Just
imagine that your mom went away, let's say for a week, won't you
be sad?" he asked.

The students answered firmly in chorus: "Noooooooo". The head
of the orphanage seemed to be a bit confused. He stole a glance
at the teachers and mothers before he continued: "Why wouldn't
you be sad?".

Their answer was: "Because I have mbak with me."

The speaker smiled, seemingly not knowing how to respond, and
continued delivering his speech.

Although I was not sure whether or not my son was among those
who gave the last answer, it kept ringing in my mind.

Now it seems obvious to me that mbak, teteh, mbok, suster, or
whatever the children call their nannies, have become a major
part of their lives, especially for the children of a working
mother.

The dual role of homemakers and working mother, has
significantly increased the role of nannies, especially for those
living in big cities like Jakarta.

A friend of mine, a mother of two, who lives in Bekasi and
works in a private company in Central Jakarta area, is one such
example of a working mother who totally depends on the nanny: "I
can only spend about one to two hours with my children on
weekdays. I have to leave home for work at 5:30 a.m, when my two
children are sometime still sleeping, and return home at about 7
p.m., just about an hour before their bedtime. I have almost
totally transferred the care of my children to my nanny." she
admitted.

Another friend, a mother of three, gave another testimonial:
"When I have to bring my children on a trip, I prefer to bring my
nanny along rather than my husband. She is very good in handling
my children. She has become my children's first mother, and I am
only their second," she said jokingly.

"When our mbak takes her annual leave to visit her family it
is always a sad time for me, because my second child always gets
sick, she misses our mbak and keeps asking me when she is
returning. Mbak is her closest companion."

Working to support the family is a dilemma for a mother amid a
patriarchal society. A mother still has to take the major
responsibility of running the household and raising children,
even if she also has to support the family financially, while
father only bears the responsibility of earning for the family.

The best way to cope is to employ a nanny, whom the working
mother can entrust the care of her children to.

However, in some cases, it works as a boomerang. The presence
of a nanny indeed solves the working mother's problem of caring
for the children. But on the other hand, leaving children in the
care of nannies for long hours in the day has significantly
decreased their own presence in the life of the children.

It is no wonder that most working mothers have to face tough
"competition" to win the hearts of their children. The mothers
would need to use all their free time in the evenings and on the
weekends to take over the role of child rearing from the nannies,
meaning that there is little time for rest and for their own
interests.

Sadly, some mothers try to compete by flooding their children
with gifts or granting their children anything they want, without
taking into account that such treatment could ruin their
children.

So, it is no exaggeration to say that a working mother who can
still manage to raise well-behaved children, be loved and be
needed by her children, is a superwomen.

I have to admit that I am not such a superwoman. The feeling
of losing in the competition with my son's nanny drove me to give
up full-time employment two years ago, and to work part-time.
Last month, I completed my three day-a-week, two-year assignment
with an NGO, and am now jobless.

However, I see my jobless status as a privilege, as I can
easily win the heart of my five-year-old son.

Happy Women's Day!

The writer is a former working mother, now a full-time
housewife.