Tough 'competition' a reality faced by working mothers

Yoyoh Hulaiyah Hafidz, Jakarta

As Women's Day, which falls on Dec. 22, approaches, my thoughts go to an incident that happened in an orphanage that I recently visited with my son and other kindergarten pupils. The visit was organized by the school and was also attended by all the teachers of the kindergarten and some of the mothers.

The children, aged between three and five years old, were listening intently to a speech delivered by the head of the orphanage, a man in his 40s. He was trying to impress upon the children how fortunate they were to have parents, unlike their friends from the orphanage.

"Kids, you are lucky because you still have your mommy and your daddy with you, while your friends here have no parents. You can ask your mommy and daddy to buy you toys, food, take you to the park, to the mall, to the beach, to the mountains etc. Just imagine that your mom went away, let's say for a week, won't you be sad?" he asked.

The students answered firmly in chorus: "Noooooooo". The head of the orphanage seemed to be a bit confused. He stole a glance at the teachers and mothers before he continued: "Why wouldn't you be sad?".

Their answer was: "Because I have mbak with me."

The speaker smiled, seemingly not knowing how to respond, and continued delivering his speech.

Although I was not sure whether or not my son was among those who gave the last answer, it kept ringing in my mind.

Now it seems obvious to me that mbak, teteh, mbok, suster, or whatever the children call their nannies, have become a major part of their lives, especially for the children of a working mother.

The dual role of homemakers and working mother, has significantly increased the role of nannies, especially for those living in big cities like Jakarta.

A friend of mine, a mother of two, who lives in Bekasi and works in a private company in Central Jakarta area, is one such example of a working mother who totally depends on the nanny: "I can only spend about one to two hours with my children on weekdays. I have to leave home for work at 5:30 a.m, when my two children are sometime still sleeping, and return home at about 7 p.m., just about an hour before their bedtime. I have almost totally transferred the care of my children to my nanny." she admitted.

Another friend, a mother of three, gave another testimonial: "When I have to bring my children on a trip, I prefer to bring my nanny along rather than my husband. She is very good in handling my children. She has become my children's first mother, and I am only their second," she said jokingly.

"When our mbak takes her annual leave to visit her family it is always a sad time for me, because my second child always gets sick, she misses our mbak and keeps asking me when she is returning. Mbak is her closest companion."

Working to support the family is a dilemma for a mother amid a patriarchal society. A mother still has to take the major responsibility of running the household and raising children, even if she also has to support the family financially, while father only bears the responsibility of earning for the family.

The best way to cope is to employ a nanny, whom the working mother can entrust the care of her children to.

However, in some cases, it works as a boomerang. The presence of a nanny indeed solves the working mother's problem of caring for the children. But on the other hand, leaving children in the care of nannies for long hours in the day has significantly decreased their own presence in the life of the children.

It is no wonder that most working mothers have to face tough "competition" to win the hearts of their children. The mothers would need to use all their free time in the evenings and on the weekends to take over the role of child rearing from the nannies, meaning that there is little time for rest and for their own interests.

Sadly, some mothers try to compete by flooding their children with gifts or granting their children anything they want, without taking into account that such treatment could ruin their children.

So, it is no exaggeration to say that a working mother who can still manage to raise well-behaved children, be loved and be needed by her children, is a superwomen.

I have to admit that I am not such a superwoman. The feeling of losing in the competition with my son's nanny drove me to give up full-time employment two years ago, and to work part-time. Last month, I completed my three day-a-week, two-year assignment with an NGO, and am now jobless.

However, I see my jobless status as a privilege, as I can easily win the heart of my five-year-old son.

Happy Women's Day!

The writer is a former working mother, now a full-time housewife.