Toilet trouble: Flushing out annoyances

I hate public toilets. One would be hard pressed to find a well- functioning ladies room anywhere in the world -- movie theaters, shopping malls, amusement parks, you name it.

They are dirty, there is always a long line and usually there are some young boys who mom has brought in tow, running around and making a mess.

Or you just sat through a two-hour plus cinematic epic and desperately need to empty your bladder. So once the credits roll, you sprint to the nearest exit, follow the directions toward the toilet, and if you are a woman, your worst nightmare then awaits -- you are about a half-hour away from the nearest available cubicle.

Trivial, you say? Well, try keeping a clear mind while your bladder is close to bursting.

A British bar chain, fed up with how long women spend in the toilet, plans to install cubicle doors that spring open exactly 60 seconds after they shut in a trial scheme to flush out time wasters.

The system, which could be this century's sliced bread, is called "Bog Off" and was invented after customer research found that the line for the ladies was the most complained about aspect of a night out in its bars. Men, it seems, take only as long as is necessary in the toilets.

What do women do behind the closed doors, exactly?

I decided to do a little research of my own, and asked women friends and colleagues to make sense of it all. It's such a surprising find that one wonders if one can assess another's personality from self-confessed bathroom quirks!

Unlike men and their urinals, most women have to clean the toilet seat before using it. This can take a while, depending on the person. One colleague even told me in detail how she layers tissue paper on the toilet seat for her to sit on!

And privacy behind the cubicle doors, as it turns out, affords women some time to do something else. Another colleague told me she rearranges her clothes inside the cubicle, although she did say that if the line outside was long, she would do it outside for the sake of the other frustrated women.

Another colleague -- dear God -- cleans her glasses and even reapplies her makeup inside the cubicle! She prefers to do that in privacy (don't ask). My brother-in-law's cousin told me she doesn't do anything extraordinary inside the cubicle, she just takes her time because she "doesn't feel the need to rush".

It's as if she earned her place after the long wait, but ironically holds up other people in the process.

One colleague has another interesting habit: if the public loo provides a bucket of water instead of toilet paper, she will dispose the water (the whole bucket of it!), filling it up with fresh water before continuing her business. I kid you not.

Imagine if it's a big bucket. Imagine if there's a long line. When she saw my flabbergasted expression, she told me earnestly that she simply likes to be the first person to use the bucket of water.

And how about the young boys in the ladies room? Why can't their dads take care of them in the men's room? I remember seeing a pair of brothers, one at least 10 years old, in the women's locker room of a public swimming pool. Both used the toilets in the women's area and sat around waiting for their mother while half-naked women pranced about nearby. Their dad was smoking outside.

Imagine if the reverse happened! Did I mention I hate public toilets?

-- Krabbe K. Piting