Time to can Grotavia's poor so we don't live like sardines or Good times ahead for Grotavia, promises excited governor

In anticipation of his imminent reelection, Grotavia's crusading governor, Snooty Bozo, has announced a revival of his much vaunted urban improvement plan, dubbed Mega Mall City (named after his benefactor), which, says the governor, will transform the metropolis into what he expectantly describes as "the Disneyland of the South".

However, some officials and councillors have expressed the fear that the city's chief executive is not all there.

"It really all started years ago with this becak (pedicab) malarkey. I strongly fear it has totally addled his brain," confided Paijo, a white-coated official from the city's psychiatric health subdirectorate.

"He couldn't sleep for months thinking about the pedicabs so we started showing him slides of the ghastly things being thrown into the sea north of Jakarta. That worked for a while but the trouble started again and we now have to show him slides of actual pedicab drivers being tossed into the sea before he can close an eye," said Paijo. "But don't worry, we're keeping a close eye on him," he added reassuringly.

According to Dr. Sarimin, a psychologist, "stern measures" should be taken against the governor before he became an even greater danger to himself and the public, or caused a major international incident.

He was referring to a visit by Miss Universe here a couple of years ago when a glassy-eyed and dribbling governor kept urgently whispering "Five hundred thousand, five hundred thousand" into Miss Universe's ear as they danced. "Unfortunately, she took umbrage thinking that the governor was suggesting some form of nocturnal hanky-panky and stormed off in a big huff."

Sources at City Hall, however, later claimed the governor was merely informing Miss Universe about the extent of Grotavia's pedicab problem.

According to City Hall insiders, a novel feature of the project will be the staging of "interesting gorilla shows" in various parts of the city in a move closely modeled on the games staged by megalomaniac Roman emperors.

In order for the plan to work and Jakarta to become attractive to "foreign visitors", it will be necessary, however, to restrict the number of undesirables flooding into the city from the provinces, officials have hinted.

"The governor has been very impressed by Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad and his tough policy with migrant workers. We intend to apply the same approach here to recalcitrant Javanese peasants coming to the city with the sanctions to be imposed including whipping and possibly even canning," explained Police General Ishitler Stalin.

Phase one of the project, which is due to start soon, consists of the replacement of all pedicabs in the city with Kancil (adapted golf carts), while the more ambitious phase two involves the erection of monumental statues of such famous personages as Donald Duck (locally known as Donal Bebek) and Mickey Mouse (Miki Tikus), both of whom are reportedly greatly admired by the governor.

"This whole plan is wonderful, absolutely wonderful," enthused a close aide and confidante of the governor. "Not only will we get rid of those beastly pedicabs and their even beastlier drivers, but we'll also solve the problem of all the golf carts left cluttering up the fairways by Bob Hasan and his mates following their ... er ... unexpected departures."

That foreign guests will be impressed by the new-look Jakarta is vouchsafed by all the officials involved in the plan. "Of course they'll be impressed. How could it be otherwise when we're only going to let them see what we want them to see, namely Grotavia's central business district and the statues. They'll go home thinking Grotavia is even better than Singapore!" cried one official enthusiastically.

According to Umptidumpti, a senior immigration official, any recalcitrant visitors who insisted on deviating from the prescribed routes would be incarcerated for "educational purposes" in the illegal aliens' detention center in Tangerang (fondly known to its scurvy inmates as the "Black Hole of Tangerang"). "That'll fix 'em quick smart," he added cheerfully.

When we asked another senior official if he did not agree that such window-dressing could only be classed as extravagance at a time of economic crisis, the official strongly demurred.

"That's all twaddle. We're old hands at this game. We've been hard at it ever since the time of Governor Wally Sedikit and we're not stopping now! What's your game anyway, buster? Trying to stick your grubby paws into my rice bowl, is it?" he growled menacingly.

Another official claimed that as far as Governor Snooty Bozo was concerned, money was no obstacle. What was important was the glory and international prestige involved, something that could only be obtained from mega projects and gorillas.

"Just like the pharaohs and Ozymandias, or whatever his name was, these projects will put Snooty Bozo's name up there in lights for ever!" he cried excitedly. "Even if the governor is demented, so what? We've already had a couple of demented presidents!" he added.

Some city councillors have, however, condemned the governor's plan. "He's wasting all this money on turning Jakarta into the Disneyland of the South when he could be spending it on sending us on junkets ... er ... I mean, educational trips abroad, to places such as Las Vegas, for example, to learn about emergency snow clearance procedures ... or something," Bejo, from the Indoamnesian Derelicts' Party in Trouble, complained.

Similarly, councillor Bonzo from the Kool-car Party, unequivocally condemned the governor's plan. "This is a thundering disgrace, an unforgivable frittering away of the taxpayer's money at a time when everybody knows we need new cars," he exclaimed angrily. "Those old Volvo things they gave us are no good at all. We need top-of-the-range jobs so we can access our constituents living in remote areas, such as on the tops of mountains and in jungles throughout Jakarta," he asserted.

Whatever the fate of the governor's plan, one thing remains assured: Even if the pedicabs remain on the streets and the statues of Donald Duck and friends stay but a twinkle in the governor's eye, the usual squawking and quacking from City Hall is sure to continue unabated.

-- James Boyd