Three's not a crowd: Polygamy a la feminist

Julia Suryakusuma Contributor Jakarta

Now that I have reached almost half a century, and been widowed for three years, the time has come to review my needs in life. Should I remarry, as my family wishes? Why would I need to remarry? Girlfriends my age say, "What for, Julia? You'd just be adding to your problems".

True. After all, I know how to make a living; socially I'm used to going everywhere by myself; emotionally I'm also independent.

I don't relish the thought of picking up dirty underwear and socks, or wet towels dumped on the bed anymore, screwing back on uncapped toothpaste tubes, dealing with the various other irritating habits and daily household matters, as well as the many compromises that marriage entails.

By now, I am used to being alone and enjoying the freedom that I have. As a writer, I need to be alone. If I had a husband, it might lessen my focus and concentration on producing many new "babies", i.e. creative works, books especially.

As a diplomat's daughter, traveling around the world from birth, I've been educated to be independent. The long illness which preceded my husband's death only confirmed my independent streak.

Married for 27 years, I am a "veteran" of the institution. I should probably be given a medal, in the midst of so many divorces, which would be even higher if the pretend marriages -- for status, economic reasons or habit -- were dissolved. I also got married at a young age -- 20 -- so naturally I want to enjoy my single status again.

However, besides freedom, as a normal woman, I also need intimacy. What kind of intimacy? Emotional and sexual, naturally. "Intellectual intimacy"? I can have that with many people, in fact, I should have it with many people.

Suddenly, in the midst of the ongoing heated debates on polygamy, I had a brainstorm: Why don't I get into a polygamous marriage? What? Julia Suryakusuma, one of the pioneers of feminism in Indonesia? The ferocious one? Wow, what happened? Has Julia gone nuts, is she totally frustrated or really, really desperate!

I'd be maligned, chastised and have rocks and rotten tomatoes thrown at me, accused of being a traitor by feminists and nonfeminists alike.

Calm down, everyone! I'm just reflecting! I'd like to introduce a feminist version of polygamy, which offers a new paradigm. At least, my version, as not all feminists would consider the notion feministic.

Many women my age are self-contained. We are capable of doing everything ourselves, we have a high level of self-esteem and are capable of managing ourselves and others. We have experienced the vicissitudes of life, can act as a patron-protector and have a good socioeconomic position.

In short, we are established. No more security-seeking -- whether it be emotional or financial -- the standard reasons for younger women to look for a partner.

If I remarry, I would like to have a younger husband, at least 10 years younger. Why? I am young at heart, in body, mind and spirit, I keep up with the times, and am progressive in my ideas. An older man might not be able to keep up with all this. I had an older husband before, so now I want something different.

Also, older women are more sexually mature. In the case of premenopausal women who often experience a libidinal surge akin to the hormonal epiphany of adolescence, they can meet their (sexual) match better in a younger man.

However, men in their late 30s or early 40s are usually married. The first choice is to have illicit affairs which psychologically oppresses the various parties involved, so where would the intimacy be?

It would involve deceit, guilt perhaps, emotional blackmail even, and the fear of being caught. From a religious point of view, it is also considered sinful. Albeit bearing some social stigma, polygamy is religiously sanctioned, and has legal clarity, with rules for the time sharing of the husband and responsibility of all parties concerned.

Truth be told, I'm very reluctant to have a full-time husband, but part-time would be really OK. Let the first (and younger) wife, who has the desire and energy to play that role, be given (or be burdened?) with the full-time duties. So we encounter an amusing situation where the so-called "young wife" (i.e. subsequent wife) is actually older in age.

For a couple whose husband has an older second wife, there are a number of advantages. Women are conveyors of knowledge, and older women have knowledge on life. As a second wife, she can impart knowledge to her husband and his first wife. She could even provide financial assistance to them, if needed.

So rather than competing, they would be complementing each other. A mature woman no longer seeks completion, in fact the tendency is a wish to share, whether it be knowledge, money, wisdom, patience, and not least, love and compassion.

What about the emotional factor? Personally, as a mature woman, my tendency toward jealousy is largely diminished, commensurate with the increase in my self-esteem and self- confidence. Jealousy stems from insecurity, fear, anxiety and feeling threatened, whereas a mature woman feels secure and confident in herself.

Older women know what they want, and know how to get it. Just look at the likes of Joan Collins, Liz Taylor and Cher, as well as some in Indonesia.

Being 50 these days is not the same as being 50 in my mother's time. Many friends my age have not changed much physically and in outward behavior. Internally, of course, they've matured. They look young, are fresh, beautiful -- in short, they are, admirable, as they have managed to attain self-actualization and mentally, emotionally, physically, they maintain and develop themselves continuously.

It is not only the social construction of womanhood that has changed, but also the social construction of age. The norms of propriety for women have changed.

When I was 30, my mother said, "Aren't you too old to wear your hair loose?" she said, pointing to my waist-length locks. In her time, married women over 30 who didn't have short hair had their hair tied or in a bun. Even now I still wear my waist- length hair loose, a la Britney Spears, wearing tight jeans to boot. If it still suits me, why not?

What is the "ideal" profile of a married couple? A husband who is older, more clever, richer, taller, has a better social/ professional position -- in short, "more" in every field. He doesn't have to be better looking, because this "task" is borne by women. But don't forget, the Prophet Mohammad was 25 years younger than his first wife Khadijah, and Sukarno was also substantially younger than Inggit, his first wife. Both women were instrumental in making their husbands the great men they became.

What about the ideal polygamous marriage? Polygamy is never idealized, but the classic pattern is that of an older husband, with wealth and social status, in short, power. The motivation? Often for sex or ego needs.

The subsequent wives are usually younger -- more attractive and "fresher" than the first wife. The relationship among the wives is often characterized by competition, manipulation and emotional stress. This is the stereotype, although I know of cases of good cooperation between the wives.

True, there are a few problems with my idea of polygamy. First, the approval and acceptance of the first wife is needed. Being made a madu (the older wife in the polygamous marriage) is already a blow, but for it to be with an older woman adds insult to injury.

Secondly, what about the right of the women in this triangle to have partners other than with their husband? Historically, women have had the right to engage in polyandry, but now religion only accords the right to men.

For me, in principle this is discrimination, even though emotionally, I may be quite happy and at peace to share, rather than compete, with another woman. Is this what is called women's solidarity? Or should we revive the tradition of polyandry as a counterpart to polygamy, and create more arenas of sharing and cooperation?