There will be another time

Dewi K

About six months ago, I ran into him in a supermarket. I was hurriedly pushing my cart and knocked it against a man who was looking around in a leisurely manner.

He must have found it funny as he smiled to himself. I apologized and smiled back. To be honest, he had quite a charming smile.

A few days later, I saw him again in a restaurant and was again charmed by his smile. I was there with several friends of mine. He approached me and introduced himself to me. We laughed when we remembered the small incident in the supermarket. I knew for sure that my friends, all still single, were charmed by his smile and his two hooded eyes.

He was called Johan. We quickly became friends. His office was close to mine so every day he picked me up at my office and we went home together. We had dinner, saw a film, went shopping, browsed in a book shop or just chatted in my boardinghouse.

He often praised my appearance. I was quite attractive and at 30 I already enjoyed a good position at my office. He said he liked my innocent personality and my cheerfulness. Frankly, I was also attracted to him. He was quite mature and handsome. Given his style and the automobile he drove, he also must have had a very good position in his office. He had a very interesting personality and was quite attentive.

I was hoping against hope that I could be his wife. Before my chance meeting with Johan, it had hardly ever crossed my mind to get married. No man had ever thrilled my heart like he did. I enjoyed being single. I had a job and a lot of friends; I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted to.

Only when I received a wedding invitation did a fleeting desire to get married flash through my mind. When I visited a friend who had just given birth to a baby, I would sometimes briefly think about having a baby myself. But I found no man that suited me until Johan turned up. I thought he was destined for me.

I was very happy in his company. My friends supported me and kept assuring me he was the right man for me. I introduced him to my mom, who instantly liked him. She kept asking me when we would get married. Well, I was her only daughter and I understood her worries about my staying single.

She was afraid that I would be like Aunt Nien, her youngest sister, who got a widower at the age of 45 but was too old to have a child. To be honest, I shared my mother's worries, in a way.

That day Johan telephoned me and invited me to a dinner. He hinted that he had something to tell me. We agreed to meet at one of the cafes we usually went to. I guessed he wanted to propose for a marriage. I knew it when he clasped my hands, hugged me and kissed me passionately. He had never said he loved me but I could feel it through his touch and his warm gaze. I knew he loved me and wanted very much to hear the words from his mouth. I also wanted to tell him that I loved him.

When I got to the cafe that night, he was waiting. He kissed me sweetly and looked at me. I had tried my utmost to appear at my best that night.

He clasped my hands and gazed at me long and hard. I could see from his eyes he was hiding something. His face was not that of a man wishing to express his love to his girlfriend. There was a sense of burden in the lines in his face. He took a deep breath. I knew it was not going to be the night I had long expected. I could feel his restlessness. There was a brief lull.

It was right after the waiter returned with what we had ordered that he broke the silence.

"Mala, I'm sorry. I never intended to lie to you or hurt you. Before I met you, it had never occurred to me that I could fall in love again with a woman. I really love you, but I've got to be honest to you." He stopped and I could not say anything.

"What do you mean?" I finally managed to inquire. A pang stabbed me in my heart although I had yet to hear his full explanation.

"What do you expect from me, Mala? Please be honest with me."

I looked deep into his eyes and said weakly, " I want you to marry me."

He sighed deeply, twice.

"Oh no, don't tell me you can't marry me," I cried in my heart.

But it was exactly what he told me. He was married; he also made it clear there was nothing wrong in his marriage and that he could not divorce his wife. The only mistake was that he had fallen in love with me.

Well, I should have expected that, given his age, Johan was a married man. I should have known it because he had never given me his telephone number at home or his address. I was simply charmed by his praise and handsome looks.

That night he did ask me to be his mistress. I could not make up my mind. I was not ready to lose him but to be his mistress? What should I tell my mom and my friends?

Days passed into weeks and Johan continued to shower me with his warm love. In the meantime I was tortured by two difficult choices: be ready to be his mistress with all its consequences or abandon him.

I still could not make up my mind although I did talk to him about several times. Unfortunately, every time I looked into his eyes and felt his warm touch, I could not bring myself to say goodbye and, strangely, I felt a stronger urge to possess him.

In the meantime, he became more and more open to me about his family. He told me about his cute children and about his wife's activities. As days, weeks and months wore on, I felt I was on the outside looking in on their married life, which led me to make my decision.

It was rather late at night. We were in our usual cafe. After a long silence, as if reading my mind, he said: "Come on, Mala, tell me what's on your mind. Don't keep it to yourself. I really love you and do not want to see you suffer. I will not force you.

"You are entitled to your own future. My mistake was to fall in love with you. But for the sake of your happiness, we can be just friends. I won't disturb you anymore, but please tell me honestly what is on your mind."

Suddenly, tears welled in my eyes. I mustered all my courage and off it went: a barrage of words flying from my pent-up mind.

I made it clear that although I loved him I had no right to ruin his marriage. I also regretted his dishonesty to me when we first met.

I also made it clear that I was not ready to be just a complement to his wife. Without anymore ado, we parted amicably and went our separate ways.

The coming days were empty without him. Mom and my friends gave me strong encouragement, though. I did the right thing, they kept saying. I agreed. There will be another time for me to find my soul mate, I kept assuring myself.

(Translated by Lie Hua)