There are no sad songs for many divorcees

There are no sad songs for many divorcees

JAKARTA (JP): Divorce was once a dirty word, a shameful last
resort for women in crumbling marriages. But the prospect was so
daunting that many women resolved to remain in loveless
relationships rather than risk loss of family and face.

The stereotype of the divorced woman barely scraping by was
hard enough. But while men walked free from the breakup
relatively unscathed, women confronted society's slings and
arrows for failing to keep their marriages intact.

A radical cultural shift is changing all that. Put it down to
women's emancipation, including better education and career
opportunities, and the attendant realization by women themselves
that they are entitled to the same rights as their male brethren.

"This is all related to education and the mass media," says
psychologist Yati Utoyo from the University of Indonesia. "The
higher an individual's education, the greater her awareness of
her own rights. The more we talk about women's rights, the more
that people will remember them."

The variables have changed drastically in divorce, Indonesian
style. A modern crop of dynamic divorcees is ignoring tired
attitudes as they prosper in their professional and personal
lives.

Take Poppy Dharsono. The fashion designer divorced her husband
after two years of marriage in the 1970s and raised her son, now
29, by herself. She also built a successful network of fashion
companies ranging from cosmetics to clothing, and is a respected
member of Indonesian business development committees.

Count among this new breed of divorcees the veteran actor
Rahayu Effendy, one of the leading lights of the Indonesian
screen during its heyday. She is now a successful producer of
television dramas, a founder of the Indonesian Film Foundation
and political activist.

She also juggles career and family. In addition to rearing her
son, TV heartthrob Dede Yusuf, she also adopted three other
children. "This was no problem because I was economically capable
of taking care of them."

Like Rahayu Effendy, many economically independent women with
good jobs are refusing to compromise their values, including in a
relationship.

"More women are in the workforce and this, inevitably,
influences the number of women who seek a divorce," says Yati.

She adds that ordinary women are empowered by the examples of
prominent, successful divorcees like Poppy and Rahayu.

"An act or behavior will be bolstered if its results are seen
to be good. People can study through imitation or by viewing the
example, without necessarily having to learn from their own
experiences."

For most women, the biggest deterrent to divorce was societal
pressure. Within externally oriented Indonesian society, in which
people gain esteem and value from the people around them, women
had to face the burden of blame when a marriage broke up. Come
what may, the wife was expected to endure her husband's
indiscretions or her own frustration for the sake of appearances.

This view is gradually being eroded in major cities with the
growth of more permissive societies. A disclosure of divorce by a
career woman in Jakarta no longer draws knowing looks or
disapproving stares. Family, an institution once supremely
resistant to women backing out of marriage, is also becoming more
accepting.

"You could say I was crazy the first year after the divorce,"
says Deden Rochmawati, marketing manager of American Express. "I
didn't want to leave the house, and wanted to end all my
friendships. And I didn't want to work."

Traumatized by the breakup of her marriage after 13 years and
two children, Deden says her depression lasted about seven
months. Her family helped her regain her confidence.

"I finally realized that, if I didn't support myself, who
would," she says. "My family and friends were very supportive in
helping me believe in myself again."

Some prominent women have come out of messy public divorces to
discover a renewed love of life. Trinarni, the ex-wife of a
former president of a private TV station, credits her family with
helping her get through the pain.

"I am the oldest of five children and the first grandchild in
a big family. Everybody supported me so that my image of myself
remained strong even though I was living alone," the university
graduate says, adding that her emotional and material welfare is
now back to normal.

Of course, these women are the success stories. Less fortunate
women, lacking education, supportive families and living in small
communities, do fall into the drab stereotype of the downtrodden
divorcee. Although alimony is often stipulated in a divorce
settlement, delinquent husbands often refuse to pay.

With the resources and determination, women far from the
public eye do succeed, often gaining a new lease on life.
Nurbaeti Rachman, a housewife and mother of two before her
divorce, went back to college, earned a degree and is now the
senior branch manager for an insurance company.

"I gained many benefits from the divorce," she says. "First, I
became independent. Second, I completed a university degree. And
most importantly, I developed a positive attitude."

The above is an excerpt from Tiara's lifestyle biweekly. The
complete article with sidebars will appear in the magazine when
it goes on sale Tuesday. It is printed here courtesy of Tiara.