There are no sad songs for many divorcees

JAKARTA (JP): Divorce was once a dirty word, a shameful last resort for women in crumbling marriages. But the prospect was so daunting that many women resolved to remain in loveless relationships rather than risk loss of family and face.

The stereotype of the divorced woman barely scraping by was hard enough. But while men walked free from the breakup relatively unscathed, women confronted society's slings and arrows for failing to keep their marriages intact.

A radical cultural shift is changing all that. Put it down to women's emancipation, including better education and career opportunities, and the attendant realization by women themselves that they are entitled to the same rights as their male brethren.

"This is all related to education and the mass media," says psychologist Yati Utoyo from the University of Indonesia. "The higher an individual's education, the greater her awareness of her own rights. The more we talk about women's rights, the more that people will remember them."

The variables have changed drastically in divorce, Indonesian style. A modern crop of dynamic divorcees is ignoring tired attitudes as they prosper in their professional and personal lives.

Take Poppy Dharsono. The fashion designer divorced her husband after two years of marriage in the 1970s and raised her son, now 29, by herself. She also built a successful network of fashion companies ranging from cosmetics to clothing, and is a respected member of Indonesian business development committees.

Count among this new breed of divorcees the veteran actor Rahayu Effendy, one of the leading lights of the Indonesian screen during its heyday. She is now a successful producer of television dramas, a founder of the Indonesian Film Foundation and political activist.

She also juggles career and family. In addition to rearing her son, TV heartthrob Dede Yusuf, she also adopted three other children. "This was no problem because I was economically capable of taking care of them."

Like Rahayu Effendy, many economically independent women with good jobs are refusing to compromise their values, including in a relationship.

"More women are in the workforce and this, inevitably, influences the number of women who seek a divorce," says Yati.

She adds that ordinary women are empowered by the examples of prominent, successful divorcees like Poppy and Rahayu.

"An act or behavior will be bolstered if its results are seen to be good. People can study through imitation or by viewing the example, without necessarily having to learn from their own experiences."

For most women, the biggest deterrent to divorce was societal pressure. Within externally oriented Indonesian society, in which people gain esteem and value from the people around them, women had to face the burden of blame when a marriage broke up. Come what may, the wife was expected to endure her husband's indiscretions or her own frustration for the sake of appearances.

This view is gradually being eroded in major cities with the growth of more permissive societies. A disclosure of divorce by a career woman in Jakarta no longer draws knowing looks or disapproving stares. Family, an institution once supremely resistant to women backing out of marriage, is also becoming more accepting.

"You could say I was crazy the first year after the divorce," says Deden Rochmawati, marketing manager of American Express. "I didn't want to leave the house, and wanted to end all my friendships. And I didn't want to work."

Traumatized by the breakup of her marriage after 13 years and two children, Deden says her depression lasted about seven months. Her family helped her regain her confidence.

"I finally realized that, if I didn't support myself, who would," she says. "My family and friends were very supportive in helping me believe in myself again."

Some prominent women have come out of messy public divorces to discover a renewed love of life. Trinarni, the ex-wife of a former president of a private TV station, credits her family with helping her get through the pain.

"I am the oldest of five children and the first grandchild in a big family. Everybody supported me so that my image of myself remained strong even though I was living alone," the university graduate says, adding that her emotional and material welfare is now back to normal.

Of course, these women are the success stories. Less fortunate women, lacking education, supportive families and living in small communities, do fall into the drab stereotype of the downtrodden divorcee. Although alimony is often stipulated in a divorce settlement, delinquent husbands often refuse to pay.

With the resources and determination, women far from the public eye do succeed, often gaining a new lease on life. Nurbaeti Rachman, a housewife and mother of two before her divorce, went back to college, earned a degree and is now the senior branch manager for an insurance company.

"I gained many benefits from the divorce," she says. "First, I became independent. Second, I completed a university degree. And most importantly, I developed a positive attitude."

The above is an excerpt from Tiara's lifestyle biweekly. The complete article with sidebars will appear in the magazine when it goes on sale Tuesday. It is printed here courtesy of Tiara.