'The True Irish Pub' for those who enjoy leisure: Kelts Pub

By David Schiller

JAKARTA (JP): Looking in my trusty old Oxford dictionary, I learned that Kelt is a variant of the word Celt meaning: "a member of an ancient people of Western Europe who settled in Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and Scotland before the onslaught of the Romans". Digging a bit further, it turns out that the mysterious Druids were also Celts -- an elite class of Celtic priests and wise men who passed on their teachings by word of mouth and never wrote anything down. They supposedly practiced magic so powerful that putting it to paper would be like handing a list of the U.S. military's ICBM launch codes to Sadam Hussein or Col. Khadafi.

Armed with this knowledge, I made my way to The Kelts Pub, located on the ground floor of the Grand Melia Hotel, Kuningan, for their grog and nosh happy hour. Stepping through the glass doors, my senses were immediately overwhelmed by a somewhat odd but inspired collection of Celtic-flavored decor. From sculptured, frosted-glass walls -- adorned with scenes of Celtic warriors, tree-perched lovers and ancient sailing ships -- to an amazing cavern-like mini-Stonehenge that surrounds the seated dining area, the interior just absolutely screams "Celt" (even though Stonehenge was constructed 2,000 years prior to the arrival of the Celts).

I glided across the polished teak-panel floors, slid into a comfortable seat at the bar beneath a lamp fringed with wrought- iron dragons, and stared at a frosted mirror bearing the advertised motto of Kelts: The True Irish Pub. Wait a minute... I didn't see too many shamrocks or leprechauns kicking about on the way in. And Stonehenge, as I last recall, is located in the Salisbury Plains of England (not Ireland). Not to worry though, this being Indonesia it's not surprising that a few metaphors may have gotten mixed up in the cultural translation.

The bartender approached, dressed in the Kelts' standard uniform of an orange polo shirt and matching baseball cap (perhaps an obscure tribute to the Protestant Orange Order of Northern Ireland?). Setting a foot on the bar rail and surveying the well-stocked row of bottles, a brewed beverage on tap was truly in order, and, hopefully, one a deep rich black rather than amber in color. Then grim reality sunk in ...

My goodness! No Guinness!! The Guinness taps were there but the management is still working out the details of acquiring the real thing on tap. The bar is currently stocked with the locally brewed and bottled Guinness, but that swill is unfortunately a pale shadow of the real creamy-topped bit of heaven that any good Irishman would gratefully walk on his knees from Monas to the Pizza Man over broken glass for just a single pint. Get those kegs in son and half the Brits and Irishmen in Jakarta will bleed a bloody trail to your door.

I asked about food and was directed to a plaque on the wall bearing an eight-item menu featuring Irish stew, chicken and broccoli pie and other fare. I opted for a Bookie's Sandwich, a delicious meal of thick juicy cuts of roast beef wrapped in fresh-baked bread, and Vegetable Soup, a very hearty stock with heaps of fresh-cut greens, which was, however, a bit on the bland side; but that's what authentic pub food is all about anyway. If you're in London or Dublin and want something spicy, you make your way to the nearest Curry House; not The King's Head or The Red Lion.

The Friday evening happy hour crowd was proceeding to get, well ..., very happy, as the Bose speaker system dolloped out tasteful Celtic-seasoned rock by the likes of The Coors, The Pogues and The Cranberries (ever wondered why so many of these bands are labeled "The something"?). Draft beers were two-for-one from 6 till 8, and the diverse groups of expats and locals were wasting no time in shedding the tensions of another work week with a little mild inebriation. The majority of revelers appeared to be office staff from the Kuningan area, with a few hotel guests and some spillover from a Rotary Club-sponsored art show at the Grand Melia.

The layout of Kelts makes for an interesting choice of seating venues, including the very sociable communal long tables by the main bar, to the more intimate confines of smaller tables in the Stonehenge rock maze. A rear semiprivate room, which I nearly missed, features floor seating with comfy cushions, pillows and a beautifully hand-painted wall mural of a Celtic shoreline.

By 8:15, there was hardly an empty seat when an unobtrusive three-piece Filipino band started up. Not too loud and not meant to be a main attraction, their top-40's tunes and female vocalist added a pleasant backdrop to the rolling buzz of bar conversation. I took a long draw on my fifth beer (or was that sixth? -- who's keeping track anyway?) then felt a familiar call of nature. I never found out what's in the Ladies' loo, but the wall mural in the Gents is a classic well worth checking out.

Being neither a Celt or a Druid, there was no sacred oath preventing me from putting this tavernous tale to paper. But be forewarned, ye barkeep! If the magic Guinness ale ever be summoned to Kelts, the Druid's humble word of mouth will transform ye current healthy flow of thirsty knaves and wenches into an absolute out-and-out deluge. And that, my friends, is some pretty powerful Celtic magic!