The perils of being a transnational

Most of the time, being able to access both Australia and Indonesia in my psyche is fun, as well as emotionally and, hopefully, mentally enriching. And most of the time, the elements of my two geographical homes harmoniously merge to form a big soft cushion for me to fall back on in times of uncertainty, or a warm continental blanket to provide warmth.

In my daily life, there is no need to routinely check, or seek to identify, which parts of me are Indonesian and which parts Australian. They seem to flow smoothly on autopilot.

However life apparently is fraught with problems ready to upset anything smooth.

To begin with, despite efforts on the part of many sectors in the communities of both countries, there are enough differences which, in moments of crisis, often turn into land mines ready to be detonated by irresponsible, even unwary feet.

Yes, I am talking about events such as the horrific Bali bombings. As I monitored, minute by minute, the unfolding of the tragedy, from phone calls as well as various radio news, I felt increasingly powerless, distraught, angry and frustrated.

From the Australian media, I got the picture of shock, disbelief, anger and finally overwhelming grief, as most of the fatalities were indeed Australians, and what is worse, young Australians on holiday. As a mother I empathized with the distraught parents, and shared the feeling of powerlessness and grief.

From the Indonesian press, apart from the same shock, disbelief and anger at the senselessness of the act, I also got a sense of fear. Fear of being increasingly vulnerable to terrorism. While there had been some 40 bombings throughout Indonesia since 1998, the Bali attack was by far the most extensive, and seemingly the most carefully planned.

Fear of economic collapse, once again, tourism being Bali's major industry at the moment, and the sort of industry that had a wide network across the country. Fear of escalating domestic conflict, communal conflict as well as conflicts involving the government and some Muslim groups, with the pressure to find a culprit quickly not only coming from inside the country, but also, and especially, from outside, so many victims being foreigners.

And since international attention was already heavily focused on the al-Qaeda network, the spotlight would undoubtedly be placed on its alleged Indonesian chapter, in this case Jamaah Islamiyah was named.

Knowing that apart from foreign tourists there were also many local victims, I scoured newspapers and kept my ears pricked up for reporting about them in the Australian media. I found several stories, admittedly usually overshadowed by the tragic and heroic stories of Australian victims and survivors. I was not doing this to confirm my suspicions that there were Indonesian casualties, but because I wanted my Australian friends to know that they were not the only victims.

And I was also seeking recognition in Australia that Indonesians also suffered. So I was very pleased to read and hear reporting of outpourings of sympathy from Indonesians, in Bali and elsewhere, to the families of victims in Australia and other countries.

I cringed, however, each time I heard comments from the Australian forensic team and some survivors about how "atrocious" the Balinese hospitals were, how ineffectual the Indonesian police were and how forensically under-educated the locals were -- they walked in and out of the bomb site making life difficult for the international forensic team.

I cringed because I could not even deny those statements. I told my Australian acquaintances however, whenever I was able to, that those aspects, which to them were sources of irritation, were facts that the locals had assimilated as part of the complexities of life, that they were walking in and out of the bomb site because they also had lost their friends and relatives and were probably looking for things which may have belonged to their loved ones, or were looking for clues to make sense of the senseless attack.

And I noticed that when they heard my explanations, my Australian friends would cringe too. Many, many more, however, are still under the impression that it was all Indonesia's fault -- for cooperating with al-Qaeda, that is.

Still emotionally bruised, I went to pick up a friend at the airport the other day. The plane was delayed so I waited, sitting next to a friendly man. After discovering that I was a journalist, he said, "Oh, you're a foreign journalist?"

I was just considering how to give a short-hand explanation about my situation, when he said, "So what do you think of the shootings at Monash University by a Chinese student, then? Do you think your government should stop these students coming to Australia?"

"My government?" I asked, trying quickly to establish a logical link.

"Yes, the Chinese government!" he said.

Good grief! Is there no respite?

-- Dewi Anggraeni