The human side of love, sex, promiscuity and spirituality

By Rahayu Ratnaningsih

JAKARTA (JP): The recent alleged extra-marital affair involving the number one man of the country (also a highly revered Islamic cleric) and a 38-year-old woman, if it is true, only highlights the humanness of Abdurrahman "Gus Dur" Wahid despite his undoubtedly exalted spirituality. And that as a human being he is not above reproach.

In the human kingdom, as unacceptable as it may be, marital infidelity is hardly abnormal. Study after study has demonstrated that the majority of married men have been guilty of it at least once, and among a substantial minority of married women, it cannot be considered uncommon either.

While marriage may be seen as the completion of romantic love, marriage is also its demise. Hence Gwyneth Paltrow, upon her ex- fiance Brad Pitt's fanfare marriage to Friends' star Jennifer Aniston in a wedding that was dubbed "wedding of the century", unforgivingly muttered that marriage was a graveyard. A beautiful, perfect couple, madly in love with each other, enshrine their love in a fairy tale "till-death-do-us-part" matrimony. Or is it?

Colin and Carole are perhaps the happiest decent couple I've ever met. She is gorgeous at 58 while he is 63 and quite well-to- do. Thirty eight years together, and the flame is still there after three grown up children and three grandchildren. Both adore each other very much and have no problem displaying this often. She quips, "We are lucky, we have never really had any serious problem with our relationship. There may have been little, not-so-serious arguments, but that's about it." Colin is the first and only man she has ever been with, while he is perhaps one of a handful of decent men left on earth. So no, they don't need extra-marital flings.

Jenny has a different story entirely. She is an attractive, intelligent and highly educated woman of 46, quite spiritual and a celebrity in her own right. She has two grown-up sons in their 20's and an ill husband to take care of, himself once a celebrated musician. She is there for her husband and no doubt she loves him, but she has never committed, at least physically, to their marriage from day one. They have an agreement that both can see whomever they like.

"I just don't believe in conventional morality," she says. In other words, she doesn't believe in sexual fidelity, not now, not ever. She's dating another man, who she also tells not to expect her to be faithful. "It's take it or leave it," she says firmly. "Why do you need to be with so many men?" I asked. She didn't really provide a firm answer. But she hinted at a fondness for novelty.

Sex is the primary instinct that drives the human race and this applies to both men and women. Though it's true that, based on surveys, men on average have more sexual partners over a lifetime than women, to say that men are promiscuous and women are monogamous is a gross oversimplification. As it turns out, both sexes pursue both strategies. "Generations of reproductive biologists assumed females to be sexually monogamous," says biologist Tim Birkhead of the University of Sheffield in his new book Promiscuity, a masterly recounting of scores of recent studies. "But it is now clear that this is wrong. The female of most species routinely copulates with several different males."

And while the consummation of a relationship, ie sex, is a celebration of love, it is not, as many would attest, identical with love. Neither is romantic love synonymous with sex.

Romantic love between two human beings is the most powerful and intoxicating potion that people seek most, before or after money and power. However, it is a temporary phenomenon, and its demise often descends a few weeks or months after the solemn marital oath. There is an element of adventure in romance. An adventure is the process of going into the unknown. After a while, no matter how inventive and experimental you might be, no matter how desirable your man or woman may be, marital sex pretty much ceases to be adventurous. Extramarital sex, however, is another matter. There is a new body and a new personality to be explored. New and forbidden territory. And for some that might be a turn-on. This newness, this freshness of romance, is an efficacious aphrodisiac for most people, and addictive to many.

I like Scott Peck's definition of love best. He says in his phenomenally successful book The Road Less Traveled that love is not a feeling and is different to cathecting. The feeling of love is the emotion that accompanies the experience of cathecting, which is the process by which an object becomes important to us. Once cathected, the object, commonly referred to as a "love object," is invested with our energy as if it were a part of ourselves, and this relationship between us and the invested object is called cathexis. The misconception that love is a feeling exists because we confuse cathecting with loving. Two strangers may meet in a bar and cathect each other in such a way that nothing is more important for the moment than their sexual consummation. Finally, our cathexes may be fleeting and momentary. Immediately following their sexual consummation the aforementioned couple may find each other unattractive and undesirable. We may decathect something almost as soon as we have cathected it.

True love

Genuine love, on the other hand, implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. Hence, love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own and another's spiritual growth. Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional, so it is possible to exist without cathexis or a loving feeling. Love is as love does.

As has been mentioned, sooner or later couples always fall out of love, and it is at the moment when the mating instinct has run its course that the opportunity for genuine love begins. In this light, ironically, despite her consistent infidelity, Jenny's love to her ill husband is perhaps genuine love without (anymore) cathexis.

It is hard work, needless to say. Some people like Colin and Carole have love, sex and marriage wrapped neatly in one package, allowing for each other's spiritual growth. Many aren't that lucky or chose not to be that lucky. Sex, intra or extra-marital, however reprehensible it may be, can be a school for growth. Scott Peck said about his marital infidelity in In Search of Stones, "Because they involve the unknown, adventures are inherently dangerous to a greater or lesser degree. Yet it is also only from adventures and their newness that we learn. If we know exactly where we're going, exactly how to get there, and exactly what we'll see along the way, we won't learn anything. Consequently, I cannot be utterly condemnatory of my affairs. For some I am deeply regretful and regretfully apologize. From others I have learned much and hope I gave as much as I got."

Hence, I see little distinction between sex and spirituality as both are inherent parts of our being.

The author is Director of the Satori Foundation, a center for study and development of human excellence through mind programming and meditation techniques.