The art of saying no - a difficult social skill

Cornelia Jeske, Deutsche Presse-Agentur, Berlin

Most people say "yes" much more readily than "no". A friend is moving house this weekend and would like help, and you agree, when what you really intended was a quiet couple of days relaxing at home.

Or the boss needs a special job finished on time and wants you to work overtime, when you have ticket for the theatre with your partner.

Many respond "yes" automatically to requests of this kind, neglecting to consider their own interests and feelings, and are then angry with themselves afterwards.

Saying "no" requires courage - and considerable practice. "Saying 'yes' is always easier because you receive a grateful smile in response or similar indication of pleasure," says Tanja Baum, author and chief executive of the "Friendship Agency" in Cologne, Germany.

And Gabriele Steinki, a Berlin psychologist says: "Everyone wants to be liked. Saying "no" risks losing the affection of the person asking the favour, status in the community or even a job."

Uncertain times in particular bring this tendency to the fore, with the result that many people rather say "yes" in spite of themselves just for the sake of keeping the peace.

But the psychologists see this as regrettable. Anyone should be able to say "no".

There is a lot to be gained from facing down the fear of saying "no", says Rolf Merkle, who talks about a healthy self- esteem and earning the respect of the person who is turned down.

Rejecting a request can help to stabilize a relationship, because it help establish limits and to express genuine feelings.

But for people accustomed to agreeing to every request, changing can be a long and uncomfortable learning process.

"Saying 'no' starts in our attitudes and only afterwards shows itself in our behaviour," Merkle says.

"Before we are able to say 'no' in a particular situation, we have to give ourselves permission internally," he adds.

And this happens only when we have corrected the negative attitudes we associate with saying "no" and which prevent us from doing so.

"If I say 'no', then the other person will reject me and his affection is important to me," is an attitude often expressed.

But this can be replaced by: "I don't know whether he will reject me, but if he only likes me because I always do what suits him, then the price of his affection is too high in the long term.

"I can put up with having him reject me."

Tanja Baum suggests to those seeking her advice that they mentally list the consequences that follow respectively from saying "yes" and from saying "no".

Then you need to consider which course of action is preferable. If the decision is to say "no", then she suggests the following course of action.

"First express regret that you are declining the request, saying you are sorry. Then you make clear that you are in fact saying 'no', and this is followed by the crucial step of laying out the reasons for your decision.

"Without this, the other person will not understand your decision and will have difficulty accepting it," Baum says.

She is adamant that the reasons given should be true and that there should be no resort to white lies to ease the situation.

"When declining to help with the move, whatever you do, don't feign an injury, such as a sore back, because this can only lead to further problems," she says. "Rather make clear that you've had a hard week at work and need a quiet time at home over the weekend."

It is, however, important to formulate the refusal in language that does not cause offence. It should be neither too abrupt nor too wordy.

Then there should be an attempt to help find an alternative, for example to help the following weekend with arranging things in the new home.

Steinki sees talking to the other person about a mutual solution to any difference of opinion as the key.

"One needs to present the situation from one's own point of view, and to suggest how the situation can be developed to the advantage of both parties. The other person must have the feeling that his interests are also being considered," Steinki says.

The refusal is, after all, painful for both.

Faced with the situation where the refusal is simply not accepted, Steinki advises a tactic she calls the "stuck record technique".

Here the refusal and the reasons for it are simply repeated calmly and without any sense of rising irritation until the person who made the request finally gets the message.

"It is important to remain calm and not to sound irritated," Baum says.

"Then one is always in the clear, because the argument always ends with a proposal to resolve the problem and one sticks to one's guns."

Failing this, the psychologists suggest breaking off the conversation and agreeing to talk again about the issue at another time.

"When you've slept on a problem, things often look very different," Steinki says.

And Baum adds that should one give way in the end and say "Yes" to the request, this should by no means be seen as an indication of weakness of character.

"On the contrary, when I come to the realization that I must help my friend, or that the business really needs the overtime I'm being asked to put in, that is not a failing on my part, rather evidence of my reasonableness and something I can be proud of," she says.