The ABC's of dating for dummies, with help from the Internet

By A. Suhandojo

JAKARTA (JP): It's Saturday night and you are a single woman who does not have a date. You are alone in your room. That lonely feeling that you've been successfully hidden away on weekdays in your office slowly crawls to the surface.

You try to call your friends, but you only reach their answering machines, since all of them are out with their lovers. Then you turn on the TV, only to find boring programs. You remember those unrealistic love movies, which used to give you hope that something good could really happen to you, but not tonight, and certainly not at your age.

Next, you are wondering how come you -- and all the single women out there -- have not found the right person. Well, the problem lies in how to begin a relationship, how to get a date.

Women sometimes unconsciously consider the first move as the preserve of men. It is "unlady like" behavior to pursue a man. And that problem lies on both sides, there are still many men of the old school that feel annoyed when asked out by a woman.

Since the dawn of the Stone Age, being a man has meant having all the aggressive jobs, whereas women have stayed in their caves doing their stone-age laundry. That's why men's little minds become confused when women do their "aggressive jobs" for them.

So, what should women do about it? Blaming our parents is one way. Remember when we were kids, our moms and dads used to read us stories like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty? Do you recall which of the ladies made the first move on the prince? None of them. Every girl in those tales was innocent and powerless, waiting to be saved. With those stories, our parents buried in our minds the dream of being found by a prince charming and getting married without jumping to the courting process.

Unfortunately, they forgot to teach us when to wake up from that dream and face reality. As far as those tales are concerned, women's first moves never existed.

However, this is the new millennium, this is the time for women to wake up and confront the reluctance of making the first move. If we women can do complicated jobs like brain surgery or travel through space, we sure can simply ask the man out, right? Unfortunately not, because there is one more thing women have to fear: rejection.

For most women being rejected is more horrifying than life imprisonment. Even a female rocket scientist can not handle the pressure of selling out her ultimate princess dreams and having dating nightmare on the same night. Well, I have bad news for you: fear and shame are part of the "get a date" package. As fishing requires you cast the line many times and try many kinds of bait before you can make a catch, so does dating.

With the purpose of better equipping myself with dating techniques, I spent the past three weeks researching the topic on the Internet and found thousands of sites dedicated to romance. Some of them, such as lovingyou.com, lightmyfire.com and woman.com, offer some friendly and down-to-earth advice on how to make the first move.

The scenario: You are at a library/dinner/office gathering/your sister's birthday party/wedding (choose one), there are several single men in sight. What should you do?

As has been taught to every hunter who's going to the jungle for the first time, the first thing you have to do is aim at a potential target.

The rule of thumb here is to pick someone that you might have something in common with, either by his looks or by his clothes. Is he wearing a suit? A sports jacket? Leather pants? Is he wearing something that could give you a clue about his interests? Spending some nights at some clubs could help you guess your potential mate's character by looking at his clothes. Also, look out for mood signs. People in a bad mood are not exactly the nicest company. Take mental notes on whether he is Mr. Shy or Mr. Personality.

Next, make your move. But before you do, concentrate on something that could boost your confidence and help you relax. You are not attracting your man by shaking your knees or biting your nails. Most men appreciate confident women, so watch your body language. If you feel comfortable with yourself, believe it or not, he will to. Project your confidence, and do not forget to put on your sweetest smile. You never know, he might actually feel flattered to have you approach him first.

What should you say then? Pick-up lines like "Have I met you somewhere before?" or "Are you Rob?" are already extinct. Bumping into his chair is also too 1980-ish. Fortunately, as you have done your first examination, you must have found something interesting about this Mr. Right, something that you could then comment on or ask him as a conversation starter.

Or you can just simply take a friend. Sometimes a friend might help you strike and light up a conversation with the person you're interested in. Just don't try to impress him with something that you are not, or with something that you thought he would like. Try to be as original as possible and show him who you really are. Remember that the strongest and deepest bonds are built upon honesty and integrity.

Finally, keep in mind that getting a date is not easy. You are bound to make mistakes, but as with most things worthwhile, practice does improve results. Don't be afraid to go in and fall flat on your face a few times, because it is surely better than not having made a move and wondering what might have happened.