Talking to a mystery

By Sirikit Syah

The woman, who for months had been a mystery to me, threatening my marital bliss, is now sitting just in front of me. I never thought she would be so enchanting. Her stature, her character and the way she expressed herself were all beyond imagining.

I was shaken. I was struck dumb. All I could do was quietly listen to her words.

"There has never been any situation when I had a thought to leave him," she said, inhaling deeply on her cigarette. She was not only a chain smoker but a heavy drinker as well. I saw empty beer bottles on the floor around us and below her bed. Smoke clouded the room.

"On the contrary," I said, "he might leave me soon." Unlike her, I spoke with a sense of hopelessness and resignation.

"No, he will need you still."

"I have the impression he is happier when he is with you."

"That is your imagination. The conclusion would be the other way round if I were in your position."

"Perhaps he needs us both."

"That may be true. If you didn't mind, it would be OK for me."

"Anyway, never think you should leave him. I don't have any plan to take your place and neither has he the ambition for such a situation," the woman said matter-of-factly.

Her self-confidence was very clear. I believed she had a plan to take my husband, although it appeared she wouldn't mind if he quit her.

As the conversation progressed I felt my anger fade, giving way to a dreadful jealousy. I was fearful in my heart because her sophistication was far superior to mine. And her allure was stunning, perhaps greater than any other women I had known.

It was only several months ago that I first began to suspect my husband was loving another woman. Before that I had always been proud because our marital life was so harmonious. I adored him as much as he adored me. We are blessed with two beautiful children and share common interests. Each of us has a promising career.

Suddenly my fears were confirmed, my world was shattered. In a loving moment, while we were as one, enjoying the pleasure of the clouds and rain, my husband unknowingly called another woman's name.

I went rigid as though I had plunged into an ice bath. We sat speechless in the darkened room. Each waiting for the other to speak. The tortured minutes growing like years of a dull life.

After what seemed like hours I slowly gathered myself and left the room. Without thinking I went to my children's room. All strength had left my body and I sat on the floor leaning against my children's bed. My husband remained in the same position until morning.

Our relationship became wooden. Days passed in silence until one day he approached to apologize.

"I ask your forgiveness, " he implored. "I've fallen in love with another woman."

When I did not respond he continued, "That doesn't mean I have stopped loving you. I still love you deeply."

"Where is your logic, loving two women at the same time?"

"Oh, if only you were in my position, you would understand."

"Who is the woman?"

"It would be better if you didn't know her. I've told you the truth. I sincerely want to be with you all the time. But, of course, you have the right to think differently."

I burned with anger and my head ached. I couldn't decide what to do. Should I seek a divorce because he had betrayed me? If I did that, what would the future hold? For my children, myself and for him? And I was not ready to be a divorcee. I was still badly in need of him.

Should I let the painful situation continue? It would be unbearable. Later, whenever he made love to me I would definitely imagine him doing the same thing with another woman.

As days passed I secretly tried to investigate about this woman. The trouble was that if I told people about my tragic situation they would not believe it. They believed my husband had no heart to betray me and enter into an adventurous love life. Besides, he was plainly religious and for my part they didn't see me as a disappointing wife.

Many people have said I was beautiful; I take care of my body; I am fairly smart and always look fit. They know I am a good cook and still very active in bed. In the past my husband prided himself to his business partners about having me as his wife.

But now my mind is busy imagining what kind of woman his new lover is. I think she must be younger than me, better educated, with a sexier body and better ability to service him both at the table and in bed.

First, I suspected his secretary as the other woman. But after finding no evidence to support my suspicion, I turned to a woman who has been a long-time business partner to him. However, those suspicions also proved to be groundless. Later I thought perhaps it was the girl student living across the street. But once again I was wrong.

Since that calamitous night, the faceless woman who I knew by name had haunted my life. Then, one day, quite unexpectedly, I saw the name in a newspaper. The name my husband mentioned while approaching nirvana with me.

My efforts to discover her full identity finally produced a positive result. As I watched my husband, contrary to his habit, he began to peruse the culture page of the newspaper. And he seemed to have developed a hobby of attending painting exhibitions.

I discovered that the woman is a painter and soon had her full address. I planned to ambush her psychologically at her home.

"How long have you been having an affair with my husband?" I asked her when we first met at her place.

"Since the company where he works sponsored a painting exhibition in which I and some other women took part," she said.

After a moments observation I couldn't see which part of this woman had attracted my husband. She was older than me, at least some years. The age was readable in her face which had not been effectively touched by makeup. Like other artists she looked very unadorned. And I don't think anyone would call her sexy.

Her house? Oh God, how could my husband have the stomach to frequent this untidy and repulsive place? Has he become a hungry cat scratching a smelly garbage dump looking for a dirty bone after having been fed with tasty meat at home?

I had always thought that an unfaithful husband found something in the other woman that he could not find from his wife. At least as a complementary element. But a wayward man knows no limit.

"Has my husband promised you anything?"

"He only told me he enjoyed our intimacy with a full consciousness."

When I asked what he meant by that, she said he had calculated all the consequences.

"I asked your husband what about you discovering our affair one day. He said he would apologize to you and leave the rest for you to decide. He said he would unhesitatingly grant your request for a divorce."

Hearing this, I felt as though I had been slapped on the face. My husband had gone that far in his mind. He was willing to kick me out for this ugly and hideous woman.

I took a long breath and closed my eyes for a minute. If I was too emotional I would divorce him for the sake of my self- respect. But I was not going to succumb to this dirty business.

"So what is your expectation?" I asked her.

"I have no objective whatever."

"Are you not mindful that you have transgressed our blissful marriage?"

"I am a person who does not believe that one should dedicate her or his fidelity to only one person for the whole life. Such thinking is not only foolish but also inhuman. And I don't believe that you have never been fascinated by another man." These words convinced me that this woman was wicked. Her mouth was just like her thoughts, full of poison.

Before I decided to confront her, I had expected to meet a decent girl who was ready to apologize for fooling around with my husband and promise to end the dirty game. But what I was facing now was a tough individual who was exceptionally aware of what she wanted and how to get it.

"Your husband told me that you had a freedom to choose your own way of life. If you feel disturbed by our affair you're free to explore another happiness elsewhere. But if you still love him and want to preserve your marriage, you have to accept him as he is. You have to accept both his strengths and weaknesses, including his extra marital affairs."

"My husband has never had any such an affair before," I retorted firmly.

"But now he is having one. I'm sorry to say, lady, you have to learn to face the new reality."

The woman lit another cigarette. I noticed the blue color of her lips, which she did not feel the need to cover with lipstick.

I had asked many questions, except the one I felt too shameful to ask. Finally my curiosity pushed me to pose it at last:

"Why did my husband choose you and what did he say are my shortcomings?"

The woman looked straight into my eyes for a minute before she threw away her cigarette butt. She also took time to wipe the dust from one of her paintings before she answered my question.

"You have no flaws. In fact, you are almost perfect, you are bright, captivating, a good cook and still aggressive in bed. But in recent years he felt he had lost you. The time for both of you to sit down together and exchange jokes has gone," she added.

But the statement was unpalatable to me. It sounded like a made-up story.

The woman continued her commentary: "Please take note that here, in this house, we always sit together and exchange stories from the lighter side of life. We seldom make love because if he is not tired it is me who feels exhausted. We like to talk in bed about many jovial things and often break into laughter. Your husband said he likes an artists' relaxed way of life. You know, we are not constrained by time schedules. We don't have a schedule for bathing, meeting business partners or having lunch in a hurry because there will be a board of directors meeting. We just relax.

"I have also told him of Greek mythology and other legendary tales. He seems to enjoy listening until he falls asleep. Remember that I have never tried to compare my life to others. I know that your life is not bad, but I have no ambition to be another person."

During the conversation I secretly observed her appearance and compared with mine. I wore the executive blazer of a career woman. I was smart and my dress and my face were meticulously neat and unsoiled. No spot of dust could be found on me. While the woman, who was small and slim, wore a pair of jeans that looked like they had not been washed for weeks. And her carefree style was made more unattractive by her uncombed hair.

Looking further, I could see she was basically sweet but without makeup, her face seemed older than she really was. Actually, she was rather girlish but she let her hair grow long and free while I cut my hair short and did it stylishly.

Perhaps my husband was attracted by her brains. I remembered he once said, "Not for me a brainless angel."

And the woman I was talking to had a pleasant personality. She was easy going. That might be the most important facet of her manner.

Stark contrast to our life. Always pushed by time, ruled by activity, full of agenda, we have to make a schedule to have dinner together.

Suddenly the woman asked me: "What are your daily activities outside the office?"

"How about yourself, what do you do everyday?" I asked her to avoid being defeated in the conversation.

"I don't know, I have no daily schedule. I let my life flow like a stream."

She seemed to talk as she liked.

"Now, what would you think if I ask my husband to forget you and he agreed to do that?"

"Please do, I don't mind."

"So, you don't love him actually."

"It depends on how define love. To tell you the truth, I don't need him so much. May be you need him more."

"My children do," I said definitely.

"But can't you let us to continue with our affair?"

I tried to hide my smile. The way she begged and the vibration of her voice enabled me to read her mind. She still expected to remain close to my husband. That is a natural woman's heart.

Before I left I examined her once more and tried to imagine my future wedlock including her. But I could not see a clear picture. I need time.

I said good bye. It was the most painful two hours of my life. I had confronted my husband's secret woman and found it no easy job.

My mind says she is no longer a mystery to me, but I don't know what I will decide. Will I accept her presence in my marital life, or try to toss her away or quit my husband?

-- Translated by Thayeb I. Sabil

The story, first appeared in Kompas daily under the title of Perempuan Suamiku, and later in Derabat, Cerpen Pilihan Kompas 1999 (Derabat, Kompas Selected Short Stories 1999). It is printed here on the courtesy of Kompas.