Taboo: Talking about it rather than doing it

Taboo: Talking about it rather than doing it

MEGAMENDUNG, Bogor (JP): The quiet wooden grandeur of the
Sadaparibhuta Vihara did nothing to absorb the muffled murmurings
of some of the 700 people seated in the temple.

Gathered for a two-day discussion on sex, drugs, violence and
alcohol, parents, youngsters and the elderly were attending the
seminar held by Indonesia's Nichiren Syosyu Buddhist society.

The recent seminar zeroed in on teenage problems. It is held
year after year to promote openness between the young and the
old.

Most of the audience found it easier to believe that moral
speeches condemning all subjects would be more the order of the
day than the promised, true-life anecdotes and stories.

"You think they'll speak about what they did in their high
school toilets?" a bespectacled Argo asked her father, regretting
she came at all.

Her father, however, sat unfazed. Like the others, he was a
member of Buddha Dharma Indonesia, a foundation boasting several
hundred members of the Nichiren Syosyut sect spread across 14
provinces, and prominent local dance company Eksotika
Karmawibhangga Indonesia (EKI).

His eyes were fixed on the line of Buddhist speakers, both
parents and youngsters, on stage.

Throughout the night and the following day the audience heard
revealing experiences about sex, drug use and physical abuse.

A shy-looking lady sporting a casual bob and blue jeans,
Noriko Kaptini Senosoenoto, sat cross-legged on stage and began
her story.

Noriko, a young rebel in her teens, said she had found
entertaining ways to "rid her mind" of what she described as a
protective family.

"I felt a guy's barang (thing, Indonesian slang for genitals)
through his school uniform. But I didn't go beyond that," she
announced decisively.

She said six months passed and then she met a "really
handsome" guy who "genuinely cared" for her.

But he began draining her savings account, got her pregnant,
beat her up, and refused to marry her after several vain attempts
of "getting her to abort the baby".

Her boyfriend repeatedly forced her to take pills to bring on
a miscarriage. But Noriko insisted on having her baby, but said:
"I got my karma. My daughter Sasa was born with physical flaws."

The seminar found Noriko, a sister of the Nichiren's abbot,
was no exception to teenage troubles here.

A stream of similar stories followed.

Accept

EKI public relations coordinator Frisca Saputra added that
discussions usually educated teenagers about sex.

She explained why young Nichiren Syosyu members, like most
teenagers, feared rejection by their parents or society.

"So many of them (societies) breed hypocrisy, it's no wonder
children end up doing just what parents fear. They end up as
vagrants, drug abusers or prostitutes," Frisca said.

"Worse, they end up feeling they cannot trust anybody with
anything in closed societies, for fear of rejection."

Frisca said the teenagers should realize that their parents
would always accept them, because parents belonging to Nichiren
were aware that teenagers' problems differ from when they
themselves were teenagers.

Besides, she added, "Buddhism teaches that just like sleeping,
eating, talking and playing, sex has it's own place and time in
one's life."

Some instances during the discussion led to a lot of laughs.
Others instances dumbfounded people.

EKI dancer Helene, who is in her early 20s, said she feared
she would lose the only friend she had if she refused "to do
things" with her boyfriend, a top basketball player.

Moderator Rusdy asked her what kind of things.

"Petting," she answered.

Asked if she knew what petting meant, she answered it was "a
lot of hugging and kissing".

Organizer Indra Safera laughed and asked if there was anybody
in the audience who did not know what it meant.

When several raised their hands, he raised his palms, rubbed
them vigorously together and went on to explain that the
Indonesian slang for it was eges-eges.

Helene was later asked what she did to compensate for her
boyfriend's absence now that they had split up.

With only a moment's hesitation, she answered, "I masturbate,
while thinking of a certain person."

Pandita (abbot) Aiko Senosoenoto, chair of EKI and facilitator
of the talks, told teenagers that abstinence was better than sex
for them; but they should use protection if sex could not be
avoided.

The discussion led to some making peace with themselves.

Kojak Bensiswanto, a student, was one of them. Kojak said
there was a time when drugs meant a lot to him.

"You feel out of this world, like nothing else matters. You
get to live the life a teenager should, with no
responsibilities."

Kojak admitted that once one grows older, different
perspectives come to view.

"When you are living a life, you have to be responsible for
it. It's not only about you depending on others, but others
depending on you too."

Parents told their stories, too. Yenny Ekowati, who never
became interested in other men after her husband's death, told of
her shock when confronted with the fact that her daughter had
engaged in sexual relations with married men in her early teens.

"Initially, I was shocked. But when she came to me and gave me
her reason for doing so, I embraced her," Yenny said.

"She told me that she needed a father figure ... any father
figure because she missed out on the love only a father could
give her. I felt strangely peaceful after that."

The tales must have been embarrassing for those who told them.
But Lilies, who fell pregnant at 16, put it aptly when she said
there was "no shame left to feel ashamed about once truth is
revealed. You only feel relieved." (02)